“Everything all right?” Hannah shot her a sharp look.
Then of course all eyes turned to her.
“I’m fine,” Tillie said.
“So when are you going to have that baby?” Essie asked without even taking her eyes off her picture. She colored with focused intent, her tongue sticking out one side of her mouth.
“Esther Zook, that is not a polite thing to ask someone.” Hannah turned a stern look toward her youngest.
Essie stopped coloring and looked up. Her gaze traveled from Hannah to Tillie and back to Hannah again. “If I don’t ask, how am I supposed to know?”
Hannah pressed her lips together, to keep from laughing Tillie was sure. That was Essie, something of a pistol. “You don’t always need to know. We don’t talk about such things.” At least not mixed company. Women talked a little, but not much. And definitely not like the English women did at the day care center where Tillie had worked.
“If you say so,” Essie said, clearly not convinced.
“I say so,” Hannah said.
Everyone continued coloring their pictures, drawing holly and candles. Brandon and Shelly even drew Christmas trees with ornaments on theirs.
“When you’re done with that,” Mamm said from the doorway, “you can go out into the woods and pick some pine boughs to decorate the mantel.”
Shelly nodded enthusiastically. “It’s a good day for that.”
“They’re calling for storms,” Brandon said.
Hannah shook her head. “They always say that and then it blows over. I’ll believe there’s snow when I see the snow.” But they all knew snow in Mississippi was a rare thing, especially this early in the year. They were more apt to get ice than snow, and having an icy Christmas just wasn’t the same.
The baby kicked again and Tillie decided it was time to walk around a bit. She wasn’t sure if the baby didn’t like her being still or if she was enjoying the time of playing imaginary kickball when Tillie sat down.
“Finished?” Hannah asked.
“Jah.”
Hannah stood as well. “Okay, everybody finish up, and then we’ll find a snack.”
Essie clapped her hands. “I like snacks.”
Tillie bit back a smile as she ducked into the kitchen. Essie was the kind of kid who liked everything.
“Did you see Levi Yoder today?” Mamm asked.
“Jah,” Hannah said as Tillie nodded.
Mamm pressed her lips together and shook her head sadly. “He’s having a hard time.”
Hannah nodded. “I know what it’s like to lose a spouse, but Mitch and I had grown apart before he died. So it’s not quite the same.”
“Jah,” Mamm added. “He looks thinner every time I see him.”
Tillie rubbed her belly while the baby’s kicks subsided.
“I know for a fact Mims goes over there every other day or so,” Hannah said.
“She’s a good sister,” Mamm said.
“I’ve offered to help, but she says she has it all under control,” Hannah said.
“I guess these things just take time,” Mamm said.
Time. Everything needed time. Time to heal. Time to grow. Time to mourn. Time to change. It was all about time. And for some reason, since it was Christmas, it seemed to go by slower, each day a little harder than the one before. If time was so valuable, shouldn’t its passage make the loss or even the change easier? But Tillie didn’t ask her sister or her mamm. It wasn’t a question that truly needed an answer. It merely was. And she certainly didn’t want them to know her own struggles. As Mammi would say, she made her bed; now she had to lie in it.
Levi Yoder needed time. Tillie needed time. She supposed they all needed time at some point or another. But today, seeing all the looks, the people who shook their heads not knowing that she saw, the people who didn’t care that she knew they disapproved—altogether it made her wonder if she would be able to make it through this transition. Times like this morning at church made her wonder if there was enough time at all to get back in the good graces of the Amish in Pontotoc.
* * *
The combined scents of pinecones and vanilla would forever be Christmas for her. Tillie lit the fat white candles her mother put aside for Christmas each year. To Tillie they smelled heavenly, like home. Times like these she could close her eyes and imagine that everything was just as it should be, even though it wasn’t. Or maybe it was. That was the hardest part of all for her to understand. Were her sin and shame part of God’s plan? Would God plan something like that? How was she supposed to know? And who was she to ask? If she went to the bishop, it would appear that she was being manipulative, twisting things to suit her own purpose. And that surely wasn’t what she wanted. No, what she wanted was direction. And despite daily prayers, she had none. She was merely floating, getting through to Christmas and then on to the new year. Who knew what would happen after that? Well, she would have the baby. And if she were to stay in Pontotoc, she would have to marry Melvin and join the church. Her transgressions were definitely new to their community. No one just left, got pregnant, and came back unmarried, even for a short while.
Sudden tears pricked her eyes. They were sharp and fell before she had a chance to blink them back.
“What’s wrong?” Of course Mamm was behind her. Eunice Gingerich had a talent for knowing just when one of her kids needed her, whether they wanted her there or not.
“I was just thinking about Levi Yoder.” Now where had that come from? Thinking about Levi Yoder was a sight easier than thinking about her own problems. But that didn’t mean she had really been thinking about him. So why had his name popped onto her lips so easily? “I was just wondering if he had any Christmas decorations up.”
It might’ve been the most ridiculous thing she had ever said. Why would Levi
