Mamm waved away her offers of help, and Tillie eased into one of the chairs at the kitchen table. Amos Raber sat across from her on the bench.
“They say the weather is going to turn bad in the next day or so,” Tillie said. She immediately regretted the words. Not that they were so controversial, but that she had drawn attention to herself. Still, she couldn’t stand the silence. Even with all Mamm’s banging and bustling, the room just seemed eerily quiet.
“That’s what they say,” Amos replied.
In minutes that seemed to take forever and yet went by all too fast, Mamm presented each of them with a slice of pie.
“I suppose you know why I’m here,” Amos said.
“I believe so, jah,” Mamm said.
Tillie couldn’t speak past the lump in her throat.
“There’s been a lot of talk going around,” Amos started. “About what plans you might have.”
Tillie considered it ridiculously generous that he was giving her the opportunity to state her own plans. She supposed he just was trying to figure out what they were up against.
“I came back in hopes of raising my baby with my family.”
Mamm shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Tillie couldn’t move at all.
“And Melvin Yoder,” Amos asked. “Where is he?” He paused for a moment. “I assume that—” He waved a hand in her general direction but didn’t finish the thought. He supposed that Melvin was the father of her baby.
“Jah.” Tillie felt the heat rise into her cheeks until she was certain they were as red as holly berries.
“Am I to understand that there was a wedding between the two of you?” Amos asked.
“No,” Tillie whispered. It was perhaps the hardest word she had ever said. It was one thing to talk about such matters with her sisters and Gracie, or even her mother, but it was quite another to discuss it with the leader of their church.
Amos Raber leaned back in his seat and drummed his fingers against his chest. “That’s what I thought.” He sighed. “I’ve given this matter a great deal of thought,” he continued.
Tillie’s breath caught. Mamm stilled.
“Must I say it out loud?” the bishop asked.
Tillie shook her head. It was just as she had feared. She would have to leave. She wouldn’t be able to stay in her Amish home. Not without… “What if Melvin returns?” she managed to ask, though her words sounded a little more like a wheeze than a sentence.
“I’ve never had anything like this happen before. I don’t remember anything like this ever happening before. If he comes back and the two of you were to get married . . . But that’s the only way for you to remain here.” He pinned Tillie with his fierce stare. Amos Raber wasn’t a scary man, but he was a presence. Tall, thin, and intense.
She knew what he wanted. He wanted to know her plans. What she would do now. Like she really had any choice. She would have to leave. And soon. He couldn’t allow her to stay and remain unmarried. As the pressures of the district increased, so would the pressures on him. In turn they would flow to Tillie. How long would she be able to stay, unwed to her baby’s father? Not long.
“This is the sort of thing that divides communities,” Amos continued. “We’re young here. We have many moving to Adamsville so they’re closer to home. There’s been talk, a lot of talk. Something like this could bring the whole community down.”
Tillie’s heart sank. She shook her head. “I can’t.” Though she didn’t say what it was that she couldn’t do. She couldn’t marry Melvin. She couldn’t be responsible for everyone’s decision in the community. There were a lot of things she couldn’t do.
“And if Melvin comes back?” Mamm asked.
Tillie shook her head, but Mamm wasn’t watching her. Her eyes were on the bishop.
“If Melvin comes back, they will both stand in front of the church and confess their sins and the mistakes they’ve made. I’ll have to talk to Jonas, maybe Dan and the others here, but we could have a special membership ceremony to allow them to join the church. Then they could get married and serve their penance after.”
To say it was harsh was an understatement. They would be shamed in front of their family and friends. They would be exposed, judged, then finally welcomed back. Yet how could she do that? Tillie wondered. How could she stand up and say her baby was a mistake? Even if she could get Melvin to come back, maybe it would just be better if she did leave. She was putting so much on her family by even being there. But if Melvin didn’t return, then Tillie wouldn’t be allowed to stay. It was that simple.
Tillie put a protective hand over her stomach. She knew it was just the way. It was the Amish way. She had known this going in, before she transgressed. She had never thought it would come to this. She’d never given a thought past her bond with Melvin, or maybe it was the pressures of living English. Wasn’t that what they did? Loved each other without worrying over vows?
Amos stood. Tillie realized he hadn’t eaten one bite of pie. Mamm had not noticed. She was on her feet a heartbeat after the bishop.
“I’ll leave you to discuss it with your family. We’ll talk again next week. But after that . . .” He tipped his head toward the two of them and started back toward the front door.
Mamm trailed behind.
Tillie followed a little slower. She knew Mamm wanted to say something. Her mother always liked to have things under tight control, and this was something neither one of them was going to be able to manage.
“If anything changes, you let me know,” Amos said. He didn’t outline what changes he was talking about. But Tillie knew he meant if she decided to go back
