They had driven down from Ethridge and were staying with Melvin’s cousin who lived on the other side of town.
Tillie was surprised they didn’t want to bury their son in Tennessee and instead laid him to rest with the other members of their family there in Pontotoc. The thing she hated the most, other than losing Melvin himself, was the pitying looks she received. No one knew what they had planned. They only knew the first plan: to ask for forgiveness, join the church, and live in the Amish community forever. But it was a secret that Tillie would take to her grave. So she endured the pitying looks. She would accept them as his friend. They had been friends for so long. And she would miss him terribly even if they had decided not to get married.
And the saddest part of all for her, the part that was hardest to get over, was that she had wanted so badly to stay in the Amish community. With Melvin gone, there was nothing standing in her way.
Be careful what you pray for.
Wasn’t that what Mammi Glick was always saying? Of course, Mammi Glick said a lot of things. Sometimes she got them a little off, but for the most part, she got them right. This one was too correct.
Tillie had wished for a way that she could stay in Pontotoc and raise her daughter Amish. But never in a million years would she have wished Melvin gone in order to do so.
It’s out of your hands.
She knew it. And she knew she was not responsible for his death. She didn’t cause it to happen. Most would say it was God’s plan. God’s will that he was gone. Even at such a young age. And she wasn’t sure she would ever get used to the idea of never seeing him again.
“Can I get you some tea?” Hannah stopped near the chair where Tillie sat. People came in, set food on the table, then came over to tell her how sorry they were and how much they wished that things were different. But God had a plan and they needed to stick to it. She’d heard the speech a hundred times today if she had heard it once, but these good people believed that Melvin was coming back to his Amish home, and there was no way she would tarnish him in their eyes by telling the truth. No matter how hard it was to keep to herself.
“Chamomile,” Hannah continued. “It might help you sleep.”
Sleep. She was tired. It seemed like she hadn’t slept in days. Something had kept Emmy awake as well, crying in the night, fussing and restless as if somehow she knew her father was gone. So Tillie had spent both nights soothing her baby and wondering what was going to happen now.
Emmy.
“Where’s my baby?”
“I think Leah has her. Do you want her?” Hannah asked.
Did she? No, she would share her daughter’s company. “Only if she’s tired of her. Or if she starts fussing and needs to eat.” They would have the nights to stay awake and mourn together. Let her visit with other family for now.
“Tea?” Hannah prompted again.
Tillie nodded. “That would be great, thank you.”
Hannah gave her sister a smile, squeezed her fingers reassuringly, and moved on toward the kitchen.
She watched Hannah go, so many thoughts tumbling around inside her head. She envied her sister, and then she didn’t. Hannah had had a tough time of it in the English world and was glad to be back with the Amish. Tillie was too, but it came at a high cost.
“Tillie?”
She looked up. “Levi.”
“How are you?” he asked. He took the seat next to her and scooted it a little farther away. Whoever sat there last had been a family member. They had reached over to hug Tillie, scooting the chair too close for propriety when it came to her and Levi.
“As well as can be expected.”
“I understand.”
Of all the people gathered around to mourn Melvin’s passing, she knew that Levi understood more than most.
“I brought you something,” he said. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a long thin envelope, and handed it to her.
“Danki,” she said as she stared at the envelope. Whatever was in it was flat, and not very thick—a letter maybe? She had no idea. Why would Levi write her a letter, then hand it to her? She really needed to get some sleep.
“You can open it now,” Levi said.
“I can?”
A lot of sleep.
“Of course. I’d like to see you open it.”
“Okay.” She tore the top of the envelope open and pulled out a strip of leather embossed with Melvin’s name. Beautiful tool work, just like he had done on her baby book for Emmy and on Emmy’s pacifier holder. “It’s really supposed to be a bookmark. You can put it in your Bible if you have a mind. Or you could put it in a shadow box with some of his other things.” Levi shrugged as if he didn’t know what else to say. “I wanted you to have something for him.”
Tears rose into her eyes. She wanted to throw her arms around Levi and hold him close. She wanted to be held as she shed the tears that had been threatening for so long. Levi would understand.
Or would he?
She would have to hold her secret forever.
Tillie dashed her tears away with the fingers of one hand and tried to smile at Levi. “Danki.”
He smiled in return. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“It’s okay.” Within a heartbeat the tears were all dried up. She didn’t want to cry. She didn’t want to show emotion, because if she did the dam might break, and everything would come flooding out. She couldn’t have that, not with so many friends and family around. She wanted to be
