So his sister distracts him with toys like a loud popping lawnmower and a loud xylophone and a loud baby’s first drumming set. I have never hated the people in the Woodlands before. However, after they dropped off these annoying toys, I might want them dead.
But the loud shit doesn’t interest Future. He only wants “Up.” He asks me ninety times if I will help him. I suspect the kid figures “Up” will be easier for me since I’m already halfway there. Every time I look to Pixie for help, she crawls around to distract her brother. The kid is never impressed.
Only when Future starts screaming do I realize Fairuza isn’t around. I assume she’s taking a shit. Or having a lady problem. Holy hell, what will it be like to have three menstruating women in one house? Is that why Bronco often seems exhausted?
I sneak outside to get away from Dove’s glances and Future’s screaming. That’s when I notice Fairuza sitting in the grass near the back fence. Her back faces me, and I consider leaving her alone. But then, I imagine her talking herself into leaving my house. The possibility of losing Pixie pushes me to get my ass across the lawn.
Good thing too, since Fairuza’s crying. I hear her sniffling and notice her wiping her eyes once she senses me behind her.
“Do you not like it here?” I ask, squatting down to make us eye to eye.
“My children are all I have left,” she says and stares with eyes still bruised from the beating she took from the Volkshalberd. “But they were dying, and I didn’t know how to save them.”
“You did your best. It’s not as if you could stop Marks by yourself.”
“Others want what he offers. I might have been able to kill him, but his sheep could have killed me. Then my children would have no protection. We could have run away, but I don’t know how to live in this world.”
I’m unsure what to say. I consider getting Pixie to comfort her mother. Except Fairuza is crying out here alone on purpose. She doesn’t want her children to know she feels like a failure.
“What happens if you lose interest in Pixie?” Fairuza asks, watching me warily. “That’s how people in this world behave. I remember a woman at the apartment with her fourth husband. None of the other men had died. She just got bored and moved on. What happens if you do that with Pixie? We can’t go back to the Village. They called us quislings. We’re traitors to them. They’ll never let us return.”
Sighing, I have to sit down. My knees don’t normally bother me despite them both getting shattered in my youth. Yet, sitting on the fucking concrete last night left my body aching today.
“I will never give up Pixie,” I say, glancing back at the house. “If she wants to leave me, you’ll need to hide. I won’t let her go.”
Fairuza’s horrified eyes stare at me. “Your words are madness.”
Shrugging, I explain, “If she leaves me, I’ll go insane. She’s the only woman I’ve ever loved. I can’t survive if she doesn’t love me back.”
“Why are you like that?”
“People don’t like me,” I say, shrugging again. “They’ll use me for my size, but they don’t let me close. Never have. My grandparents raised me. Put me in fights when I was eleven because I was big and ate too much. They claimed I needed to help pay for my food. That was bullshit. They never saw me as a real person. I was an evil thing in need of punishment. That’s how it’s always been. People don’t care about me, and I don’t care about them. Well, until Bronco.”
“Lana’s husband?”
“Yeah. I’ll die to protect him. But he’s not my friend, really. I’m a weapon he uses, and he’s more of an idea than a person to me. I thought Bronco was a sign that I could be something more. The night I met him might have just been a fluke, but I wanted to believe in him. He’s a good president, too. Smarter on his worst day than my old president was on his best. It feels nice to be part of something real here. But I don’t feel accepted with them. Not like I do with Pixie. She’s the only person to love me, and I know she really does. Pixie doesn’t lie like other people.”
Fairuza sighs heavily. “She wanted to leave the Village, but we had nowhere to go. Zest was gone, and we couldn’t go home. When Daniel from the Village offered us sanctuary, I never imagined watching my children starve,” Fairuza says and runs her fingers over the grass. “I tried to be what the Volkshalberd wanted, but I couldn’t lie well enough. Now, I’m afraid I’ll fail again with all the rules and expectations here.”
“Let me tell you a secret about the people in the Woodlands,” I say, and she leans closer. “Don’t let the big houses and shiny cars fool you. We’re outlaws. Their rules can mostly be ignored. You can be yourself here. If they don’t like something you do, they can talk to me. Not that I’ll care. I don’t want Pixie to change. If she was a normal woman, she wouldn’t love me like she does.”
Fairuza rests her chin on her knees. “I miss Zest. I know he’s already living his next story, and I should let him go. I still miss how much his big heart lit up a room.”
I pat her back as gently as my big fingers can. “I’m sorry those assholes killed him.”
Her blue eyes find me. “I’m sorry no one ever loved you before.”
Smiling, I look over the backyard.
