Instead, a bunch of flowers hunglimply in her left hand, for the moment forgotten about. She wasn’t sureexactly what she had planned to say to Harry Rose, Shelley’s husband—now herwidower—but all plans had been driven out of her mind when she had arrived.
One thing had clearly changedsince her last visit. Driven into the soft soil of the lawn was a Realtor’ssign, proudly declaring that the home was for sale. In one of the upstairswindows, almost touching the glass, Zoe could make out a stack of boxes.
Harry and his daughter were movingon.
She couldn’t blame them; it washard enough to simply exist, seeing so many signs of the woman they had alllost everywhere she looked. Living in the home that had once been hers wouldhave been too much for everyone. A fresh start would maybe allow Harry andAmelia a chance, however slim, at future happiness.
Zoe knew now that she couldn’tdisturb them, bring it all freshly back to their minds by arriving on theirdoorstep. She lifted the flowers in her hands and stared at them for a moment.Apologizing to them had never been about making them feel better, she realized.It was about herself. Her own guilt.
“I am sorry, Shelley,” shewhispered, telling it to the flowers and only to the flowers. “I should havebeen there. But I promise you, I will do better. No more drinking. No pills. Nopushing everyone away. I will make you proud.”
That was it; everything she neededto say. Zoe hesitated a moment, her words swept away by the wind, wondering ifit had been enough. If anything could ever be enough.
And in that same moment she sawShelley’s face, not cold and dead but alive and smiling, and knew that Shelleywould have forgiven her anything. She always did. She was kind andunderstanding like that. Something Zoe could only ever aspire to be, but shewould keep on trying.
She walked over silently and laiddown the flowers on the doorstep of Shelley’s former home, then stepped backagain, leaving them behind. The simple card she had attached—“For Shelley”—wouldtell Harry everything he needed to know about the reason behind a bouquetappearing on his doorstep. Zoe hoped that he would take them and lay them onShelley’s grave. Maybe he would take Amelia with him. That, at least, was amental picture that did not fill Zoe entirely to the brim with despair.
She turned and began the long walkhome, feeling her penance in every step. It would never be over. She couldnever atone. But in every case she took from now on, and in every interactionshe had, Zoe could at least try to be the partner that Shelley had deserved.That, at least, was something.
***
Zoe looked up at the knock on thedoor, automatically throwing off the blanket and jumping to her feet. Then shewinced, standing still as she clutched her head. The mother of all headacheshad taken hold since she got in from her flight, and she was still getting usedto remembering that.
She made her way more slowly tothe door and opened it, stepping aside to let her visitor in.
“Let me see it, then,” Dr.Applewhite said, as Zoe closed the door behind her.
Obediently, she turned around.With her short hair, that was all she needed to do for the fully blossomingbruise at the base of her skull to be visible. She’d had more than a few oddlooks coming through the airport. Dr. Applewhite gasped sympathetically, herhands fluttering lightly on Zoe’s skin as she took a closer look.
“That looks nasty,” Dr. Applewhitesaid. “Have you taken anything?”
“The EMTs gave me some pills,” Zoesaid, remembering not to nod her head this time. “I have a few more left forlater. They’re on the coffee table.”
“Well, get yourself back over bythat coffee table and sit down,” Dr. Applewhite scolded, making Zoe smile.Again, she did as she was told, sitting back on the sofa and covering herselfwith the blanket.
Dr. Applewhite was busy droppingsome bags onto the kitchen counter. “Now, I figured you might not have theright ingredients, so I brought a few things over.” She finished arranging thebags and turned, clapping her hands. “I know it’s already coming up tolunchtime, but let’s call it brunch. Pancakes?”
Zoe grinned, resting her head backagainst the sofa cushions. Even that light touch was painful, but it was betterthan trying to hold the weight of her head up. “That sounds good.”
Dr. Applewhite began to busyherself with cooking, rustling through the bags and searching through Zoe’scupboards for the necessary equipment. “So, the case is all wrapped up?”
“I hope so,” Zoe said. She closedher eyes momentarily, just listening. “I cannot imagine there would be anyadvantage for the perpetrator not to plead guilty, but there may be a trial ifhe is stubborn.”
“What now, then?” Dr. Applewhite’svoice was cheery still, but Zoe could sense an underlying tension. A carewas maybe the appropriate word. She was worried. “Are you staying with the FBI?”
“I think I will.” Zoe opened hereyes again, allowed them to roam over the blank space of the wall beside her. “Imade a lot of progress with Shelley. She helped me in so many ways. I think Iam doing her memory a disservice if I do not use that help she gave me.”
Dr. Applewhite’s hands pausedtheir work for a moment. “That sounds like a good way to honor your friend,”she said. “Continue doing good work in her name. Just don’t let it overwhelmyou.”
Zoe smiled. “I won’t,” she said.It was easier said than done, but she wasn’t going to be alone in that, either.“I made a new appointment with Dr. Monk. I am going back into therapy, for awhile at least. I did not have as strong a grip on things as I thought I did.Dr. Monk will be able to help me with that.”
There was a hissing sound as Dr.Applewhite poured pancake batter into the heated pan. Immediately, the smell ofher cooking floated across the room to Zoe, making her feel more awake. She waslooking forward to this. “I’m glad.
