I just stared at him blankly, even though I could see the frustration on his face. I felt numb, paralyzed in the face of everything that happened. I didn’t even have the strength to fake being normal anymore. Not even for Ryan.
“I need you, KitKat,” he pleaded with me. “I don’t know where you went, but I need you to come back.”
He didn’t get through to me at all until I saw resignation, and then surrender, on his face. At the thought of Ryan giving up on me, at the fear of him leaving me, something had broken inside. Another flood of pain and grief had come out.
Now, I poured all of that pain into dance. I went harder and longer than I should, despite the risk of injury. I knew I couldn’t keep doing this, and I knew I was risking my entire future. I was aware I was being stupid. And yet I couldn’t stop. The only time I felt peace was when I was too exhausted and sore to feel anything else. I poured everything into dance, and then at night, I had nothing left in me. I was empty and numb.
Ryan thought I was doing better because of how dedicated and determined I was to perfect our performances. He saw me getting out of bed every morning and going about our usual activities. He didn’t know that it was almost impossible to force myself to eat, and that the food tasted like ashes. He didn’t know that the smiles I gave him were just a part of the old Katya persona that I pulled on like a Halloween mask. I went through the motions, but I couldn’t feel. I was numb to everything unless I was dancing.
Brett stopped next to us on his way off the stage, and Ryan and I paused in our movements. “Hey, just wanted to wish you guys luck,” he said with a grin in Ryan’s direction.
I tried to pretend that I was the old, playful Katya. “Thanks, Brett,” I answered for Ryan as his cheeks turned pink. Ryan nodded along with me and gave Brett an awkward wave as he walked past us.
“Stay with me,” I whispered to Ryan, stretching a grin over my face that I hoped seemed genuine. “I need you focused, not thinking about Brett’s cute butt.” Brett was a tall, handsome dancer who was about to become a senior, and he was one of the best male dancers in our school. There was no doubt in my mind that he would get an offer to join a company before his senior year ended.
Ryan squeezed his eyes shut as his face turned even more red. “Please tell me he was out of hearing range when you said that. I love you – but I will murder you.”
I gave his shoulder a shove. “There’s no way he heard me. He was halfway down the stairs before I said a word.”
Ryan’s had a crush on Brett for the last year, but he was too afraid to make a move. I’ve been pushing and prodding him in that direction, trying to get him to take the leap of faith. I had absolutely no prospects in my empty love life, but at least one of us had a chance to be happy. Ryan deserved it.
“Shut up and get in the zone,” Ryan told me with a mock glare. “We’ll talk boys after this.”
In comparison to the Spring Performance, not many people came to the showcase unless they were family, teachers, or companies scouting for talent. Our audience would be smaller, but more critical. The average person would watch a ballet and enjoy the music or the drama of some of our more eye-catching lifts. However, professionals would be observing our technique, watching for complex variations, and judging us on the skill we used to execute technical feats. Nothing would get past them – not the smallest twitch of a finger.
The music started, and Ryan and I met each other’s eyes as we counted down to our cue to get on stage. One of the reasons we did so well together was that we were freakishly in tune with each other. We could communicate without speaking and anticipate each other’s every move. If he was off by a quarter of a millisecond, I could correct for it. If I were two degrees off to the left, he would automatically adjust.
Once I followed Ryan onto the stage, all of my nerves disappeared completely. I wasn’t the Katya who was grieving my grandmother’s death and trying to impress the professionals in the audience. I was Princess Florine and dancing with my handsome Prince Charming, who was transformed into a bluebird.
I lost myself in the regal persona of the princess and the upbeat melody. The role I was dancing was challenging because it required rapid pirouettes and precise footwork that pushed me to excel. I gave myself completely to the performance, and my heart soared as I flew over the stage. Towards the end of our performance, Ryan and I came together for the most difficult part: a series of fleet footwork that we had to do in perfect unison. It was a true test of technical mastery and our ability to work as a pair.
Ryan and I made our final leap into the wings off the stage, and he crushed me in a hug the moment we were behind the curtain.
“We killed it!” he whisper-yelled at me.
I could hear the thunderous applause of the audience as one of our instructors waved us back towards the stage. Ryan and I went back out, hand in hand, and I was amazed by the reaction of the crowd, many of them were even standing. I performed a grand reverence out of appreciation for the crowd, and the applause almost doubled.
