I shoved him back by the shoulders, and he didn’t raise a hand to stop me.
“I said that wrong,” Ryan told me with vulnerability in his eyes. “Katya, I’ve always thought of you as a sister, but I can’t look out for you when you’re on the other side of the country. We’ve always had each other’s backs, and it scares me to know you’re alone. Asking your new brothers to look out for you is the best I could do.”
I softened the tiniest bit towards him, but I was still furious. I wasn’t a delicate flower that needed to be sheltered from the world. I could take care of myself.
“Tell her about the money,” Kingston prompted him.
My eyes narrowed again, and I stared Ryan down. “Yes, Ryan. Tell me everything.”
Ryan flushed with embarrassment. “I took money from them,” he mumbled before he raised his eyes to meet mine. “But Katya, I swear I wasn’t selling you out, I didn’t even ask them for the money. I wasn’t going to take it, but then I thought about how you had just been handed a blank checkbook, and I felt like I deserved something too. We’ve always done everything together and shared everything we had. Then suddenly, you’re a billionaire, and I’m still scrounging for lunch money.”
“But I’m not!” I shouted at him. “Yeah, I moved into Richard’s house, but I don’t have a blank checkbook, and I’m certainly not a billionaire. Do you think I like living off of someone else’s charity? Do you think I want to give someone that power over me? I fucking hate it!”
I could tell Ryan wanted to say something, but I just kept going. I was going to say my piece. “I was devastated to lose you, and I just kept thinking about how I would be able to see you again. But you? You tell me that you need space, and you don’t want to hear from me!”
“I know,” Ryan whispered. “I’m a terrible person. I told myself that you would be better off without me, and that I needed to push you away, but deep down I was also angry at you. A part of me wanted you to hurt just as badly as I did.”
“I was already heartbroken - you didn’t need to do anything else to me,” I said in a broken voice.
“I’m sorry,” Ryan said desperately. “It didn’t take me long to realize what I’d done was wrong, but then I had already gone too far. I was too ashamed to even speak to you.”
“We’ve never kept secrets before,” I whispered.
“We have, Katya. We just don’t admit it out loud when we do. We pretend everything’s fine so that we don’t have to confront the hard truths.”
I looked helplessly at Ryan. I knew he was right, but I was clueless as to how we could fix this. “What now?” I asked.
Ryan shrugged. “You go on to live a life of luxury and become a prima ballerina, and I go on to be…an accountant? Maybe a lawyer?”
“Oh, Ryan.” I wrapped my arms around him, and he buried his face in my hair. “I hate that you feel this way, but I don’t know what to do.”
He rubbed my back. “You can’t do anything, Katya. You need to let me figure this out. I need to experience different things, and find out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Our paths are going in different directions right now.”
I squeezed him tighter. “I don’t want them to, but I know you’re right.”
We held each other for another moment before I became self-conscious about how Maverik and Kingston had just witnessed my emotional breakdown. I reluctantly pulled away from Ryan and wiped my eyes.
Ryan turned to leave, but he hesitated at the door. “For what it’s worth – I still love you.”
“I love you too,” I whispered back to him. “That’s why this hurts so much.”
Ryan nodded at me, his eyes sad. Then, just like that, he was gone.
Chapter 32
Katya
Ryan left, and I felt myself breaking apart again. This time, I was all too aware that I wasn’t alone. I mumbled something in Kingston’s direction, then fled back to my room. The door slammed behind me, and I threw myself on the bed.
Sobs wracked my body, and I buried my face in a fluffy pillow. After my babushka died, I felt abandoned and alone, but I had Ryan to help me through it. Now, I had absolutely no one. I was truly alone.
I also had nowhere to go. Even if I managed to get away from Nina, I didn’t have a home or family waiting for me. I was cast adrift in a vast ocean, with no land in sight and no hope for help. Yet, sharks were swimming all around me, intent on getting a taste of my flesh.
I cried until I had no tears left, then I rolled over to stare up at the ceiling. Without Babulya, without Ryan, who was I? What really mattered?
I wiped my face and sniffled again. What would my babushka say right now?
I smiled when I could practically hear her voice in my head.
You don’t need anyone but yourself. You make your future. You decide how to live your life.
She would have said it in Russian, but I knew she would never approve of me just giving up. She’d tell me to get up, wash my face, and get back to work. Lying around wouldn’t make me into a prima ballerina, and no one was going to knock on my door to hand me opportunities. I needed to work hard and take control of my future.
