“Blake?”
“I don’t know what to say,” Blake says.
Elliot lets out a slow breath. “I’m making breakfast.”
He does. He makes pancakes and eggs and little sausages and they don’t say much to each other, feet pressed together under the table.
Blake does the dishes after, Elliot leaning against the counter, watching him, handing him plates and pans to put into the dishwasher.
“What do you want, Blake?” Elliot asks, all casual, as he hands him an empty mug.
Blake wants Elliot, but it’s not that simple. It never was. He wanted Elliot when they were eighteen, but he couldn’t have him. Nothing changed. He straightens up and looks at Elliot, whose face has gone serious, no trace of a smile.
“I mean,” Elliot goes on, “was this a one-time thing?”
“It should be,” Blake says, and when Elliot’s expression becomes stony, he adds, “And you know that as well as I do.”
Elliot slowly drags his fingers across the counter, pushing crumbs into the sink. “I don’t want this to be the only time.”
“Okay, so let’s say we keep this going somehow and we pull off some sort of friends with benefits thing…” Blake shrugs. “Wouldn’t you rather be with someone you don’t have to hide?”
Elliot stares at him and Blake can basically watch it sink in. “No,” Elliot says, sounding ridiculously offended. “No, I wouldn’t rather… I want you. And I don’t want to be friends with benefits either.”
“What, you want to be boyfriends?” Blake asks, like the thought hasn’t occurred to him, like part of him isn’t hoping that that’s exactly what will happen. But that’s the part of him that wants, not the part of him that thinks.
“You don’t?” Elliot asks.
“That’s not what I said.” Blake wants to reach for him, because he looks lost now, brow furrowed, no trace of a smile.
“So what are you saying?”
This is going to hurt. Blake knew this was going to hurt all along. “What I’m saying is… Remember before the Draft? When we were practically together and then we broke things off, because it was the smart thing to do?”
Elliot ducks his head.
“You didn’t want this because of what it could have done to your career if anyone had found out,” Blake goes on. “What changed?”
“I wasn’t ready for this back in juniors.”
“This is still your career. You’re right in the middle of it. And you’re ready now?”
Elliot is quiet for a long moment. “I don’t know,” he says eventually.
“Yeah. That’s exactly it,” Blake says. “You don’t know. And it’s okay that you don’t know, but… What if we do this and what if you change your mind? What if you… What if this ends exactly like last time?”
“But you knew–”
“Yes, I knew we weren’t gonna last in juniors, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t fucking hurt,” Blake says.
Elliot’s eyes are back on his feet.
“Elliot…”
“No, you’re right, I don’t… I’m sorry.”
Blake sighs and steps closer, gathers Elliot into his arms and holds him close, fingers in the short hair at the base of Elliot’s skull, scratching lightly. “I don’t want this to be like last time,” Blake says lowly. He can’t do it again. “So you’ll think about what you want. Take your time, okay?”
Elliot nods, fingers tightening in Blake’s shirt. “Can you stay for a bit?”
“I…”
Elliot pushes closer, even though he’s basically as close as possible already.
“Okay,” Blake says. Bad idea, the worst idea.
“You wanna watch the Winter Classic?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“I can cook if–”
“Elliot, you don’t have to talk me into staying, I’m not going anywhere,” Blake says. A few more hours, then he’ll go. Fuck knows when they’ll see each other again after he walks out the door.
“Okay,” Elliot says. “This is weird.”
“I’m sorry,” Blake mutters. He just can’t dive into this headfirst. He needs to make sure that he makes it out in one piece.
“No, it’s fine.”
“Elliot, it’s not fine. Stop saying it’s fine. Maybe I should go.”
“Please don’t.”
Blake sighs. “Okay. I’ll stay for a few more hours and then I’ll go home and we’ll give each other a break.”
Elliot pulls back, probably just so he can frown up at Blake. “Can I still talk to you, though?”
“Yeah, you can talk to me. I meant… no sex. No kissing.”
Elliot nods. “If that’s what you want.”
“I– Yeah. Yeah, it’s what I want.” Blake doesn’t want to get used to anything that won’t last. Because if Elliot does realize that this is too much of a risk for him after all, Blake isn’t sure if he can deal with Elliot walking away from him again.
And, sure, last time the walking away from each other was mutual, but maybe, if Elliot had been willing, Blake might have considered giving them a chance. Not that there’s any guarantee that it would have lasted. The point is that maybe, just maybe, Blake was a little bit in love with Elliot back then. And he can’t afford to fall back in love with him now, when Elliot isn’t really sure what he wants out of this.
It’ll fucking break him.
#
Elliot, selfishly, without asking for permission, curls himself around Blake as they watch the Winter Classic.
Blake said he wanted space, something he probably wouldn’t have even told Elliot a couple of years ago. He would have gotten cagey and would have refused to talk about it. And Elliot will do his best to stay away, but for now Blake’s still here and he will make the most of it, because he has no idea what’s going to happen next.
They order pizza, eat it in front of the TV, and Elliot sits with his arm brushing against Blake’s and Blake
