We walk over toward the fire and see the others do the same. We all take a seat around the campfire, soaking in its warmth. I look up and see that Cooper, Mio, and Cinder are handing out a variety of pillows and blankets. Most people are laying their blankets out and sitting on them so Alexander and I do the same. Cooper, Mio, and Cinder then head back into the tent with all the documents to finish packing.
Everyone breaks off into their own conversations. James and Bren wave Alexander over to them and Alexander stands to walk to the other side of the fire. I catch a glimpse of his face through the flickering flame as James and Bren talk with him.
I close my eyes and rest my head in my hands. The memory from reading my mother’s journal for the first time swims into view and suddenly the pages turn and more text appears. Shocked, I breathe in sharply and my eyes fly open. Can I control my memories? I close my eyes again and call up a memory with my mother’s journal.
I recall the memory of myself sitting in the bunker back at the camp we had with Zavy and Toby before we were ambushed the first time. I’m flipping through the journal as the words appear on the page about not letting Alexander go. I’m about to close the journal to go after him when I freeze the moment. Something about this memory seems strange; it all seems very fake or pixilated. With my mind I try to see the page turn, and in the frozen dream it does just that.
I’m so sorry Adaline.
These are the first words that form on the page and I can’t help but feel tears start to form. This can’t be good. I don’t know what it is, but something about Alexander gets to me. I can’t remember how I felt about him. I know it was a great bond of friendship, and I fear I will never get to feel that again. The memories I shared with that person didn’t really exist, but Alexander is a real person who I had real feelings for. I know deep in my heart that Alexander means something so much more to my life than just a stranger going to the same place.
I wish there was another way for me to have altered your memories from Cooper, and you may never forgive me for messing with your and Alexander’s relationship, but you have to believe me when I say I had no other choice. His mother needed him to get to Libertas and I knew you would one day escape the castle and meet him for the first time outside the maze. Your father and I thought it would be too dangerous to introduce you to each other any earlier, in fear that you would somehow alter the future. For everything to go as planned I had to follow my visions exactly.
As you’ve just discovered you can access this journal through your memories. If this is true then you have started to truly master your powers. I know it’s hard to do alone, and I am so proud of you. You are so strong and brave, and you have to remain that way for what is ahead of you. The one catch here is you can only do this magic if my journal remains in one piece. If it’s destroyed the visions and notes here are gone forever.
Please, Adaline, you can’t give up on Alexander. You should take what I have to say with a grain of salt because what is next for you is very grey. I have no clear vision of your journey to Libertas, there are far too many factors that could alter the future, but you should know that Alexander is important to you and you should not let this stop you from building a real relationship with him. The memories that have been returned to him are not pleasant. He may never share them with you, but you have to be patient with him, Adaline. When I altered his memories it was for the better so he could be happy. It is not my place to tell you what he has been through.
That’s where the words stop. I flip through the pages faster and faster, wanting to know more, needing to know more, but they are all blank. I feel a hand on the center of my back and my eyes flash open as more tears roll down my damp cheeks. I quickly wipe them away as I look up and see Alexander kneeling next to me. Everyone around the fire has stopped talking and they are all staring at me.
Alexander gently asks, “Do you want to go talk.” I look into his empty green eyes and beg them to mean something to me again.
“It’s nothing,” I say, and I regret the words as soon as I speak them. How can I expect Alexander to open up to me when I can’t let myself open up to him?
“Are you sure?” he asks.
“Actually, can we talk?” I ask softly, trying to force myself to lean on him. He nods his head gently and lends me his hand to help me up. We walk to the edge of the clearing and sit against a tree.
“It’s my mother’s journal,” I say.
“What about it?” Alexander asks, and in his voice I can hear that he is genuinely concerned. Perhaps I miss read his anger after our memories were returned. Maybe he doesn’t hate me. Could it be all the negative parts of his past that my mother had told me about?
“I’m able to still read it in my thoughts. Something about her enchanting the journal allows me to pause a memory with it and
