Matty leaned forward and looked me in my eyes, “It’s okay, Leah; it actually makes me feel better hearing that. I just assumed, out of sight, out of mind, ya know? But it was never that way for me, I promise. I thought about you all the time. I’m so sorry you were hurt; it makes me sick that you ever thought I didn’t want to talk to you,” he reached across the table and took my hands in his before continuing, “But I guess if you were mad, at least it meant you were thinking about me, too, right? I wish you had sent a letter, though. I looked in the mailbox every day for months hoping to hear from you.” That last bit crushed me and it took everything I had to not leap across the table and jump into his arms. I realized that I could have perhaps avoided years of heartache if I had just sent one letter. If I had at least tried.
“Always. I was always thinking about you, Matty,” I confessed before worrying that I’d revealed too much. “I mean, we were all thinking about you,” I added, trying to cover up sounding like an obsessed teenager. “We all missed you terribly. Junior and senior years were just not the same with you gone. If I could go back in time, I would have started writing you immediately, I swear I would have. I’d have figured out a way to get in touch with you,” I said as I gently squeezed his hands. “You were waiting for me to write and I was waiting for you to do it first. If only we’d had email or texting back then; we would have been able to figure it out. I guess you can’t count on teenagers to communicate effectively, especially across state lines,” I added with a sad shrug.
For a few moments we sat silently, holding hands, and just looking at one another with slight frowns on our faces, both of us remembering the pain from the past and thinking how perhaps things could have been different had we been more mature. Part of me was internally berating myself at my own lack of attempting to keep in touch with Matty; but the other part was overjoyed to hear that he had missed me, too, and that it had not been his choice to lose touch. He had wanted to write! He had looked in the mailbox every day for a letter from me! I had wasted so much time heartbroken over his leaving, and then months and even years angry at him when HE didn’t get in touch. But the truth was that I myself never even tried to fix the situation.
While I wished I could have turned back time and done it all differently, I also knew that I needed to face reality and accept that I could not change the past. The pain I had felt for so long was melting away, but it was replaced by regret. Would I ever be able to let go of what had happened? I couldn’t go back and redo things; but Matty was here now, and I could at least work towards healing. And perhaps even hope for a better future with him back in my life.
“Woo hoo, what are you two up to out here?” said Krista loudly as she pulled up a chair.
“Damn! You scared the crap out of me!” I jumped in my chair, which caused me to let go of Matty’s hands and put them to my chest in an effort to contain my racing heart. “Geez, Krista! You know I startle easily!” I had been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t even heard her come outside to find us.
“Well, you two look like you’re holding a United Nations summit out here. Talk about intense! So, Matty, where have you been hiding all of these years?” Krista asked, as she settled into her seat and turned her full attention to Matthew.
Matthew laughed at the sight of me still trying to recover from Krista’s abrupt arrival before diving into a shortened version of the story he had told me. And Krista reciprocated, albeit with a much longer tale of what she had been up to over the past sixteen years. I found myself relieving Krista’s last two years of high school, her college years, her teaching gigs, and several of her relationships. By the time she finished talking, both Matthew and I had glazed looks across our faces from listening to her for so long.
“Matthew, I’m so glad we found you again, even if you did show up with Molly,” Krista said, and I could not help but let out a sharp laugh. “We all missed you after you moved away, especially this one,” and with that, she pointed her thumb at me. “Boy, was she devastated after you moved. Right, Leah? You were absolutely devasted, remember? I cannot tell you how many nights I had to comfort her as she cried into her pillow. Remember how much you cried, Leah? It was awful, Matty; just awful! I had no idea how much Leah loved you. You loved him so much, didn’t you, Leah?”
At that moment I can honestly say that I hated Krista more than Molly, and I prayed that a hole would open up below me and swallow me into the ground. I was beyond embarrassed; I was humiliated. Krista was the only friend I had ever let see me cry over Matty; yes, she had spent countless hours at my house comforting me as I sobbed, alternating between sadness and anger. She had never told any of our other friends, swearing that my feelings for Matty and his leaving were safe with her. So, why on
