Finally, tucked into the back of the second floor was a narrow staircase that led up to the attic. While finished, it was bare save for a few random leftover building supplies. I envisioned it as a children’s playroom and just could not bring myself to do anything else with it. Besides, there was plenty of room in the rest of the house for storage. As with the basement, there was really no need for me to use the attic.
“So, that’s the place!” I said, feeling a big embarrassed by how large the home was. What must Matty think of me living here all by myself? I’d always been so proud of my house, but I suddenly felt very self-conscious.
“Your house is amazing, Leah. I am in awe. This place is just…it’s just amazing!” I was flattered that Matty seemed genially impressed and gave no impression that he thought it strange I lived alone in such a grand dwelling. In truth, Matthew’s parent’s house had been around the same size, but it was modern and rather sterile. My parent’s home wasn’t actually that much smaller, but it had a coziness to it as it was lived in. Funny how three different properties of relatively the same size can differ so much.
I led Matthew back down the stairs and out the sunroom onto the deck, which wrapped around two sides of the house with a short set of wide stairs down onto the lawn. Sadie and Jack followed us out and began sniffing around. The day was overcast, so it wasn’t too hot. We settled into a couple of lounge chairs, which were set under a large patio umbrella; we set our drinks on the small side table between us and gazed out onto the garden, another leftover from the previous owners. I lacked a green thumb, so my mom tended to it when she visited a few times a year. I did some basic maintenance, which basically meant pulling a few weeds and just trying to not run over the flowers with the lawn mower. There was plenty of space for the dogs to play, although they quickly settled onto the grass to nap while Matty and I got comfortable.
“Leah?” Matty said my name quietly, turning his head to look at me.
I shaded my eyes and looked back at him, answering, “Yeah, Matty?”
“Do you regret the last night we were together before I moved?” My heart skipped a beat and I could feel my face turn red. Were we really going to talk about that? Now? I paused for a moment before gaining my courage. I had held back so much from Matty when we were younger; I did not want to make that same mistake again.
“No,” I answered slowly and quietly. I gave him a small smile before continuing, “Of course I don’t regret. I didn’t then, and I don’t know. I never have. Do you…. regret it?”
“No, I don’t regret it at all,” Matty replied quickly, looking over at me with a serious look on his face. “I worried about it afterwards, though. I felt bad we never talked about it. Maybe if it had happened earlier, we would have had the chance. But I was gone the next day. And, well, now it’s sixteen years later. I just want you to know that it meant a lot to me, that it was something I had wanted to do for a long time leading up to that night.”
I sat in silence for several moments to let his words sink in before saying, “Well, we were only teenagers. I don’t know if we would have even known how to talk about it.” I looked down at my lap. “I never told anyone. I guess it was something I wanted to keep for myself, you know? One last thing to hold on to that was just mine. Or, yours and mine, I guess. Something just between us.” Although that wasn’t exactly true; while I’d never set out to tell anyone about what we’d done, some people did end up finding out. However, I saw no need to share that information with Matty.
“Yeah, I know how you feel. I never told anyone, either.” Matty sat up suddenly, leaned forward, and looked me in the eye. “But not because I was sorry or ashamed; I wasn’t. I was happy it happened, Leah. I held onto that memory for years afterwards.” He smiled at me before asking, “If I hadn’t moved, do you think it would have happened again?”
“I…well…yes, I think it would have,” I said honestly, looking into his eyes with a small smile on my face. “At least,” and I paused a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “I would have wanted it to."
“Me, too, Leah,” Matty replied. “Me, too.” And with that, he gave me a sweet smile, stretched out his arm and extended his hand, which I took in mine. For a few moments, we stayed like that, holding hands, and gazing into the distance, thinking about what was and perhaps what could have been.
CHAPTER SIX
As we’d pinky sworn in the eighth grade, Matty and I did remain the best of friends in high school. Our habits from junior high mostly continued into our freshman year and then into tenth grade: Matty played sports, and I was a cheerleader, this time for both football and basketball. Matty usually rode to and from the games with me and my family, often staying at my house to have a snack and just hang out.
We studied together, too. As we’d been warned about by our eighth-grade teachers, and as I had feared, high school classes were much harder than junior high; and in every subject other than English and history, I struggled. Matty helped me get through math
