“No one ever comes here to play with me.”
I looked at him and stood in awe of this oasis of magic.
“Dani,” Andrew said, tugging on my shirt to get my attention. I knelt down to face him, “She is looking for you.”
“Who’s looking for me?”
“Peyton. She’s looking for you. You forgot about her.”
Suddenly, darkness swept over everything and we were back in the room, next to Franklin. He was grabbing Andrew, who jerked away from him to be freed.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he said, as he released his hold on Andrew, “I just didn’t know what to do, you guys were sitting there without moving for almost ten minutes, I thought something happened.”
Andrew resumed playing with his blocks. I realized I still had my hand midair and slowly placed it on the table. Something he said swam in my mind and I grasped for it, focused as hard as I could to grab hold of it before it escaped.
“Pen, pen, give me a pen!” I demanded from Franklin, he quickly pulled a pen from the inside of his jacket pocket and handed it to me. I took it to my arm and focused as hard as I could on the word or words I was trying to remember. I scribbled three letters on my arm: pay.
I stared at the letters for a moment, then several more moments, but they meant nothing to me.
“Well. . . ” Franklin said, interrupting my silence, “Is this part of the process? Did you fix him?”
“What?”
“Did you fix him? Is he fixed? Is he going to be normal now?”
“No, I didn’t ‘fix’ him,” I replied.
“Well, are you going to be able to?”
“No.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s nothing wrong with him,” I said.
“What do you mean there’s nothing wrong with him? Look at him,” he said, gesturing toward Andrew, who continued maneuvering blocks, paying Franklin no mind.
“There is nothing to fix.”
“I see,” Franklin said with a sigh, then sidestepped to see what I had written on my arm, “Ah, I see.”
I quickly concealed the writing on my arm, realizing what he must be thinking.
“What is your price? You say you cannot fix him, fine. However, I need this problem to go away. What will it take?” he turned away from me as he began to pace about the room, “Dani, I try to keep a history of all the people that work for me, study them, know where they come from. You have a well-kept past. Your ties are practically non-existent. You don’t speak with your family, no friends, no passions to pursue, no lovers. well, at least no current interest. So, tell me, what is it that you want? What drives you? Is it money? Drugs? Women? All of the above?”
“Nothing,” I said, “For years, I have not had the opportunity to begin to think of what I might desire. I haven’t had the opportunity to even figure out who I am. What do I want? What do I need? What do I love? You want to know why? Because I have something inside of me that has cruel desires. It needs all of my time; it requires all of my energy to try to keep it hidden, and to keep it satisfied. I am tense every moment of every day trying to contain its chaos, yet it gets stronger every day, and it becomes more of me than I am of myself.”
Franklin paced the room, staring up into the empty air, processing my words. He nodded his head as he turned to face me, “Dani, have you ever thought for a moment that the reason it gets strong and the reason it’s taking over your life is because you‘re suffocating it. This flaw you have, maybe it’s not meant to be hidden. It’s meant to be used. Tell me, how does it feel when you unleash it?”
“It’s the best feeling I’ve ever felt.”
“Then why do you resist it?”
“When it does what it wants, it hurts people –”
“You hurt people; do not regard it as if it is not you.”
“I. . . I hurt them, and I don’t want to hurt people.”
“But you do want to hurt people. Let’s be honest. Why should we hide behind what people claim is moral or right. There is no right in this world. Every single person feels the way you do. It makes them feel good. The people who don’t, they have just reprogrammed their minds to make them believe that they shouldn’t. Every person on this planet has the ability and desire in them to kill someone. Everyone wants power over something. No one wants to be a victim of someone else’s ability to express their power over them. Look at Caro. Do you think the men who hurt her lose a wink of sleep at night? No, they don’t care. At least they didn’t until Caro showed up at their doorstep and shoved a shotgun up their ass and blew their fuckin’ brains all over the goddamn ceiling. Do you think what she did was wrong?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because they deserved it.”
“You think so?”
“Absolutely.”
“Well, I got news for you, Dani. We all deserve it.”
I stopped and looked at him.
“Why are you trying to right the wrongs that you cannot change? We cannot redeem our wrongs. You think if you help the poor, feed the hungry, and save a life, it makes up for your sins? It doesn’t. Nothing changes this world. We are all born bad, the only thing we can do is embrace who we are. This flaw of yours, did you ask for it?”
“No.”
“No, of course not. Yet, you carry the weight of having to hide it to make other people’s lives easier. What about your life, what about what you want? Stop hiding who you are and embrace it. You want to hurt people, I can make that a reality, and you will never pay the price of punishment. Whatever sins you wish to indulge in, I can make them happen, and know
