“What are you doing here?” Her voice was so full of rage that one of the tabby cats hissed. “Shouldn’t you be celebrating your perfect performance?”
“I’m your Partizan, Ellie.” He began walking around to the other side of the bamboo tree, the cat trailing his heels. They both slid down to the flower-covered grass. “It’s never going to be a fair fight.”
“Saskia let Ani get some hits in,” Ellie retorted. With the bamboo tree between them, their backs were mirrored but not touching, both of them looking out into opposite sides of the forest.
It had been so long since they’d really spoken to each other.
“Would you have wanted me to do that?”
She didn’t reply, but they both knew the answer was no. They sat with only the noise of the leaves and the cats around them, the eerie and evocative calm taking over. The cats settled comfortably into happy purring marshmallows, wriggling for attention.
“You don’t even like me, Jamie,” Ellie muttered, the words so quiet they almost got lost in the woods. “Why do you even want to protect me? I’m not worth it.”
Halfway through stroking the black cat, Jamie froze. He was ashamed. Lottie was right; in his obsession with not becoming obsolete, he’d hurt her in another way.
“Ellie, I do like you. The way I act, it’s all—”
“You hate me, Jamie. You hate me so much you barely even speak to me, and yet you’re always putting yourself in danger for me. I can’t take that responsibility—I hate it!” Her words echoed around them, causing a flock of birds to take flight. “I’m the stupid spoiled princess who’s reckless and good for nothing and bad at everything. It’s all my fault, always.”
Jamie couldn’t believe what she was saying. How could she not realize that the whole reason he’d become distant was because of how much she was growing—how clear it was that she would eventually not need him or Lottie anymore?
“How can you say that? You’ve come so far since starting at Rosewood.”
“No, you don’t understand, I . . . I’m scared all the time. I can’t get anything right, and just”—she went quiet again, a tired acceptance—“no matter what I do, Jamie, you’re always going to be better than me, and I’m always going to be the problem.” He could hear her take in a long breath before she let out the next words. “I’m holding you all back.”
Jamie couldn’t respond, the shame in his chest blooming through his body. For so long he’d prided himself on putting Ellie first, on not getting distracted by Lottie or anyone else, but when Ellie had actually started to flourish he had made her feel like a failure.
You’re the worst Partizan ever. He couldn’t silence the angry voice in his head, too overcome with his own inadequate self.
“It’s stupid,” Ellie continued, before he had a chance to speak. “You should be king. You and Lottie should get married and the two of you should rule Maradova together. That would be better for everyone.”
It was an attempt at a joke, he knew that, but her words shocked him. All his training, all his hard work, was to make sure that one day Ellie would take her rightful place on the throne. Not once in his whole life had he ever considered himself worthy to take on that role, and yet imagining it now made his mouth water, halfway between hunger and a convulsing need to be sick. It was nauseating, not because he hated it but because part of him—an awful, disgusting part of him—realized he liked the image.
King of Maradova, with Lottie as the real queen.
Thinking of her brought up her image, not the fake queen image, but the real Lottie, who had carried him when he was sick, who had helped Ellie be a better person, who had stared at him with furious resolve, demanding that he and Ellie must reconcile. How could he have gone all this time without realizing Ellie felt the same way he did?
“It’s true—you are very annoying.” He leaned back against the tree, and he felt Ellie tense behind him. “You’re brash and outspoken, not to mention constantly getting yourself into trouble.”
Ellie stayed silent, the cats looking up at her curiously.
“And I wish I was as brave as you.” Jamie sagged, and he could feel the earth shift as he said it, softening. “But I can never let you know that or it’ll go straight to your head.”
“Jamie, I’m not—”
Cutting her off with a long groan, he stroked under the big cat’s chin, letting it rub its face against his arm.
“Lottie was right,” he said. “You need to stop blaming yourself. You need to try, for her sake, even if you don’t believe it yet.”
“And what about you?”
“I’m not sure yet,” he admitted.
He reached out for her hands, so small compared to his. He knew she was crying. “I have to confess something.” He squeezed the hot flesh of her hand, the sensation transporting him back to when they were children.
“I saw you, Lottie and you, in the factory.” Ellie tensed, and even though she didn’t speak a word he knew they were both there, back in that sugar-dusted world, so sweet that it hurt his teeth. They were both thinking of the kiss.
“I think we all need to start being more honest with each other.” As soon as he said this, the cats stood up, possibly hearing a distant call. They vanished into the forest, leaving the princess and her Partizan alone.
He didn’t need to say any more. He knew Ellie understood what he was still unable to say, what he’d had to admit to himself after Lottie found him in the storm. Lottie was important to him, and not just because she was Ellie’s Portman, not because he was her Partizan. Like the sun itself, she was an unstoppable force casting light on everything she touched. He wanted to be in that light, to feel her warmth and protect it. He just wasn’t
