He insisted on seeing her regularly every week to make sure she was managing.
He encouraged her to talk, to say everything she was feeling, and he never once made her feel as if she had to hurry out of his room.
He gently dissuaded her from having the cosmetic surgery procedures she was considering when she misguidedly thought that if she could maintain her young face, her husband might not be as unfaithful as she suspected he was. Anna was at her lowest when her mindset was like this, and Martin knew it would pass, so he guided her well away from making terrible choices at vulnerable moments.
He also took her bloods and did the various HIV/STD tests she repeatedly requested as a result of her intuition about Julius.
(He conducted Julius’s regular tests too, but of course he didn’t speak to her about those.)
Most importantly, in his effort to see her through the shock of what had happened with Florence, he tried to instil in her the importance of imagining her future, and wanting it. He remained optimistic about Florence returning, but he also sensitively introduced the idea of another child when the time was right. He suggested that she prepare her body, while her mind and heart were still bruised, and he knew that would in turn help to heal her mind and heart.
He gave her folic acid and calcium to take.
He told her to quit smoking if she could, and he suggested walking everywhere for exercise and to clear her head and to give her days some structure.
Anna had followed his advice, however wretched she had felt, and consequently felt physically better than she had for years. One of the awful by-products of looking better was that her husband started paying her attention again. She noticed that Julius was, of course, sticking to his exercise regimen. He clearly liked the way his body was shaping up. He was more toned and much leaner than he’d been for a long time … and of course, he was packing in tons more exercise than the formal programme proposed, with all his extra-curricular exertions with the Dane, so he felt tip-top.
Anna had noticed that, along with his galling self-love, Julius’s confidence had increased a hundred fold. He was already arrogant enough, but this new confidence pushed him into new realms of fuckwittery. He obviously felt mighty. He wanted to have plenty of sex. Including with his lucky wife, who was, like him, also looking ‘mighty fine’.
Back in this bright room at the surgery, Anna felt safe with Martin. He knew and understood much and he wouldn’t judge her. Or would he on this occasion? It was going to be so hard to say what she had to.
‘Martin, you know better than almost anyone, this whole year has been awful …’
‘I know. Yes,’ his deep voice reassured her.
‘And I think that it’s changed me. I’m just not in the same place any more in here.’ Anna pointed at her head, and continued, ‘I’ve tried really hard to … get back on track. I think I’m pretty much there physically …’
‘Yes, you’ve achieved so much, Anna.’
‘Yes, thanks, but … so much of all the rest of it, of my life, just means nothing now. Don’t worry, Martin, I’m not going to top myself or anything like that … but something happened yesterday … with Jules … I found him with … well, I’m sure you can guess …’
‘Oh God. Sorry, Anna, that’s awful.’
‘And it was Florence’s first birthday, and all I can think is that I’m glad she didn’t have to have him as a dad. It’s so awful. He doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t deserve any kid …’
‘Steady, Anna. You’re probably still in a bit of shock.’
‘I’m not shocked. Listen, I’ve known for ages what he’s like, I just ignore it, deny it, because when I think about it, I take it so personally. I feel shit, because I’m not enough, and I feel shit because I’m getting older, and I feel shit because I fell asleep and I didn’t keep her safe …’ Anna fell silent as she let the heavy truth of all that sit in her.
Martin kept the silence with her.
She eventually took several big breaths and spoke again: ‘I just know I have to face stuff now, even if I AM a little bit crazy at the moment. It’s almost like I needed to get to this bit to know what to do next. I don’t suddenly know everything that’s right to do, it’s not like a movie moment or anything … I don’t know how we, me and him, could possibly go forward from this. We can’t, really. But I do know that it’s completely wrong to bring anyone else into this equation. I’m not going to give anyone else Jules as a father, and until the day, the moment, the second that I find her, I can’t think about anyone or anything else. I can’t have this baby, Martin, I just can’t.’
‘Anna …’
‘Please don’t persuade me otherwise. You so easily could, I want it very much, but I know, utterly, that it’s wrong. I need to find her, not replace her.’
‘I understand that, Anna. You must be aware of the fact that time is not on your side here. This pregnancy, like the last one, took some doing,’ said Martin.
‘Yes. But I was a different person then. I’m not going to pretend any more. Not after yesterday. I can’t raise a child with Jules. He is a child.’
‘Anna …’ he said softly, and put his hand on hers.
‘Please, Martin, please help me. I’ve decided. I only found out a couple of days ago. It’s hardly started to grow. Please, please. I need to do it before it breaks my heart. Please.’
‘OK, Anna, OK. Don’t worry. We can organize everything. Could you get to a clinic tonight, for the procedure tomorrow if I can arrange it?’
‘Yes,’ she whispered,
