When she was eight:
Elijah is very naughty. He could do with his older sis to keep him in check! I think of you every day when I look at him. I missed out on so much of you. I can imagine the lovely young girl you have grown into, because you were the most beautiful baby. I remember every single little thing about you. You are often in my dreams, but you’re still a baby. I’d love to see a photo of you, but until I do, I’ll paint my own pictures, and in all of them, you will be smiling.
When she was ten (with a stamp of Captain Paul Cuffee on the envelope):
This is a difficult thing I have to tell you, because maybe it will come to mean nothing to you, and if that’s true, it’s my fault, but I need to tell you that my mother, your grandmother, died a few weeks ago. You would have loved her and she would for sure have loved you, if life was different and you’d been able to meet her. She was very ill with a serious cancer in her belly, and she asked for the whole family to come to her bedside. Efiba and Elijah and me were all there, but it felt wrong to me. When we were leaving, I knew it was goodbye, so I gave her a kiss, and when I did, I told her about you quietly in her ear. I said, ‘Momma, you need to know your first grandchild lives in England. She’s called Minnie and she’s ten,’ and I said sorry for not telling her before. She was very weak but she squeezed my hand and nodded. So she knew, Minnie. She knew before she left us. I am trying to remember that ‘Those who die in grace go no further from us than God. And God is very near.’
When she was thirteen:
This Christmas, I was talking with friends, and one of the wives said that her father had a big effect on her self-worth. This has worried me, because it’s probably true. Dear Minnie, I pray you don’t suffer anything just because I’m not there. I know your mum will always teach you to walk proud with your head high, like my mum taught me. But what can a dad teach? Maybe this. Be yourself, be kind, be polite, be on time, be brave and fight like a girl because the girls I know are strong! Don’t be grateful for too little, don’t let anyone control you, don’t worry about little things, don’t take drugs, don’t let anger be in charge, don’t let failure stop you from doing anything, because believe me, that’s when you learn the most even though it feels bad at the time. I know that for sure! I have failed in many things, but I try to do better each time. That’s all anyone can do. I hope I haven’t failed you, sweet Minnie. I hope you know I love you and feel proud.
When she was fourteen:
I know you but I don’t know you. All I can say is that I seem to love you more each day, how crazy is that?
When she was sixteen:
I know it’s hard when you are a teenager, I remember that time myself, but something you should always try to be, Minnie, is CHEERFUL. It’s underrated, and it’s a blessing if you can manage it.
The last letter, when she turned seventeen:
I’m beginning to wonder if I should make a trip to England. As each year goes by, my regret gets bigger. What I did, what I felt I had to do, was the right thing back then, but you will be eighteen soon – time is slipping away so fast. Maybe I will keep my promise to Hope and I won’t interfere so that you don’t know anything, then your life can just tick on with peace and calm. Maybe I will just watch you from a distance one day? Even if I see you get on a bus or have a coffee, I will at least know you are OK, and I’ll see what you’ve become. I want that very much.
Minnie put the letters down and allowed the tears to stream out of her. At last, she had a dad, and she knew that he’d always thought about her. She felt buoyed up. Isaac’s letters were the life jacket she needed as she’d started to sink in a choppy sea of shock and confusion.
She gathered up the precious letters and all the creased and worn banknotes and started to put them back in the box to show Lee, when she noticed that, there, lining the bottom of the box, was a piece of paper, folded up. She reached in and pulled it out. As she opened it, she could see that it was something official, formal. She was looking at a medical death certificate. It had her own name on it, ‘Minnie Parker’, and her own date of birth, ‘1–1–2000’.
The box where the ‘Name of Father’ should be written was scored through with just two lines. No mention of Isaac. Two lines right through him.
In the box marked ‘Cause of Death’ were two words: ‘Unknown. Stillborn.’
Minnie was looking at her own death and, for a brief moment, her own heart did indeed stop. This is what everything was really about. Little dead Minnie. The first Minnie.
Minnie felt her heart start again, but now, under the pressure of truth, it was cracked, in sympathy with Hope’s.
Hope and Minnie: Mum and Daughter
Hope wandered around in a daze for a few hours, having coffee in various different nearby cafés as she dodged the autumn rain and cold outside, and agonized over how long to leave it before she ought to return home to the flat and Minnie.
