“However, you must learn to forgive yourself. Nothing you did, or believe you didn’t do, can be held against you. No one but you believes you to be responsible for what happened. But even if you had been, God would have forgiven you if you asked sincerely.”
Sister Evangeline sighed, seeing the tightly closed facing looking stonily ahead. Barbara was an excellent student, a great help with the other girls, and an absolute angel with her sister, but was as locked within her sister’s tragedy as was Emily herself.
“God forgives you and I forgive you, child, for your thoughts towards your mother. I pray for God’s Mercy to open your heart again and let you heal. Come here for a blessing.”
Barbara stepped forward, leading her sister, and each received Sister’s blessing, before filing out and joining Sister Benedicta and their mother in the parlor.
Alice looked up when the girls walked into the room. Her face made a silent wail and she stuffed her fist into her mouth and bit down to keep from screaming out loud.
“I didn’t know! They never told me he’d hurt her! No one would talk to me and the judge just had me locked away. All I knew was Owen was dead and you were here with the Sisters.”
“But you had to find Dutch courage to come see us?” spat Barbara, aware of the stench of gin emanating from her mother.
Alice turned her face in shame. “Yes,” she mumbled. “I haven’t been a good mother to you of late. She turned her ravaged face back toward Barbara, pleading.
“But you must know I love you girls. You are the best of your father whom I loved most dearly and when he was taken from us it was so hard! I tried to provide for you by marrying Owen, and you know he was good to you at first.”
Barbara gave her mother a considering look, and allowed herself to look backward. He’d never been a true father to them, but at first he had tried. And then he’d lost his job to the boys returning from the war, and had become bitter. It was then, when he started drinking, that things had become bad.
“But why did you have to drink with him?” she cried softly.
“I thought maybe if I went with him I could keep him from drinking as much. Instead I became as addicted to the poison as he was.” Alice buried her face in her hands. “I am so sorry,” she mumbled, sobbing. “So very, very sorry!”
Barbara’s tears fell silently down her cheeks and she looked over at her sister.
Emily had remained still except to cradle her belly and croon softly. Now she got up and walked over to her mother, still humming, and took one of Alice’s hands and placed it on her rounded stomach. Alice looked up at her daughter and then gasped as she felt her grandchild kick.
Reaching up to stroke her mother’s bedraggled hair, Emily smiled softly and then wandered over to Sister Benedicta and sat next to her, cuddling under Sister’s comforting arm.
Eyes still streaming, Barbara took in her mother’s awestruck face.
“It seems Emily forgives you, Ma. I guess I do, too.” She felt a weight lift off her briefly, only to wrap itself around her again. For despite Sister Evangeline’s words, she could not forgive herself for failing to protect her sister.
~~~
It was several days later that they learned of Alice’s death. Leaving the convent she had headed toward the docks and stumbled into the path of a heavily laden drayage cart while crossing the railroad tracks. Mercifully, death had been instantaneous, as she had struck her head on the cobbles. Her suffering, at least, was over.
~~~
When she went into labor, Emily seemed to return to the present. Her voice rusty from disuse, she whispered, “Barbara!” before crying out as a contraction convulsed her body.
“I'm here Emily, I'm here!” Barbara twisted to face her sister, holding her hands and maintaining eye contact. “Do you understand what's happening, Emily?” she asked.
Emily looks down at her rounded belly and gasped out, “He gave me a baby. Oh! It hurts as much coming out as when he put it in there!” And then she shrieked as another pain ripped through her.
For a long while there were only Emily's eyes staring into hers, her hands gripped tightly, as Emily struggled through labor. Then Barbara heard Sister Evangeline cry out in triumph, “It's a girl! You have a daughter Emily.”
And Emily smiled, a peaceful, serene look flooding her face, and released Barbara’s hands to reach for the baby. Cuddling her, she touched her daughter’s forehead, nose, lips, and chin, then counted all the fingers and toes, stroking the downy head.
CHAPTER 5 – Judith
Judith Müller was almost nine when her mother died in childbirth. After several stillbirths, miscarriages, and two undersized infants who’d died, it was a miracle that the child, a boy, was healthy. Judith was entranced with the baby and immediately took over its care. Young Johann, named for his father, thrived. Johann Sr. had very little use for his children however, so when his childless sister Helga suggested she take the infant, who was fast becoming a charming and dimpled toddler, he shrugged and said, “Warum nicht?” (Why not?)
Judith quietly packed bags for herself and her brother. While her mother had loved and nurtured her, Judith had never known aught but indifference from her father. She assumed she’d continue to act as nursemaid for little Johann, and prepared to go with him to her aunt’s house.
She had put on her hat and coat and was waiting at the door with the bags while Tante Helga and her father said
