I flex my fingers in surprise. I have no intention of letting him in. I shouldn’t be anywhere near this door, and yet I’m so close to it and my legs are so wobbly that I’m likely to fall into it at any second.
He’s quiet for a long while, so long that I almost lean into the window and press my nose against the glass to make sure he’s still there, but I also realise that he knows I need a moment to process what he’s just told me, and he’s giving me that, and the fact he knows me so well is enough to make me feel even more unsteady on my feet.
I grip the doorframe and lower myself down too, knowing he can hear me and now even the giant pigeon excuse will sound unfeasible. The door thuds as my back hits it and I wriggle around to get comfortable. Well, as comfortable as possible while sitting on the floor with a wooden door as a backrest.
It’s weird to be sitting here so close and yet so far. The thick wooden door could be three miles wide for the amount of distance I feel between us.
‘Please say something.’ He speaks in barely more than a whisper, obviously in no doubt I’m sitting right behind him.
There are so many “somethings” I could say. I’m in love with you too – I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, but it started in the storeroom and the process was pretty much complete by the time you kissed me on the side of the lips while we were making the gingerbread house. I thought we had something special too. I thought you were the first man in a very long time who wouldn’t lie to me. You crashed through my defences and I let you in from day one because you were so trustworthy.
I thought we were trying to save Nutcracker Lane together. For a couple of weeks now, I’ve thought we were going to. I’ve thought about spending nights curled up on the sofa with you, waking up next to you and walking to work on Nutcracker Lane with you every morning for the rest of my life. I’m not someone who rushes into things, but I’ve made new memories with you, and until yesterday morning, I was excited about making more.
I don’t realise I’m crying until I go to speak and all that comes out is a snot-filled gurgle.
I pinch the bridge of my nose and take deep breaths. This door isn’t thick enough for him not to have heard that.
‘How can you be him, James?’ I say eventually. The tell-tale wobble is still in my voice. ‘You’re a good guy. You’re kind and funny and a good listener. You care about people. You go out of your way to help people. It was you who granted the first wish and started bringing the magic back to Nutcracker Lane. I don’t understand.’
He goes to speak but I cut him off. ‘And what about us, for that matter? What were you going to do? Spend Christmas with me and then tell me? How much further was this going to go if that man hadn’t come looking for you yesterday?’
‘I don’t know, Nia. I didn’t plan this. Nothing like this was ever meant to happen and then I met you and everything I thought I knew disintegrated. I never intended to deceive you, and as for Christmas, I wanted to spend it with you so desperately that I couldn’t say no even though I knew it could never happen.’
Doesn’t he realise that makes it worse? When was he going to tell me? When he didn’t turn up for Christmas lunch? After we’d spent a few glorious days together on my sofa, neck-deep in old movies and fancy cheeseboards?
‘I was going to tell you.’ He thunks his head back against the door. ‘I’ve been trying to tell you and every time I start to say it, I think about you never speaking to me again and I chicken out because I don’t know how to cope with you never speaking to me again.’
‘Congratulations, that went well.’ My sarcasm is somewhat mitigated by the fact I am, indeed, speaking to him.
His sigh is so deep that it reverberates through the door. ‘You changed me, Nia. Everything I thought was true changed at that exact moment you pushed my hair back. I’d been alone and bitter and closed off from the world for a really long while. I thought people were always out for themselves and only wanted what they could get out of you. I thought I had to play them at their own game to survive. That touch, how kind you were, how you didn’t want anything in return – you just … cared about me. Being near you made me happy. Talking to you made me happy. Listening to you made me happy. You dragging me headfirst into Christmas made me happy. Hearing what you thought about this place and how much you loved it was inspiring. You made me see it in a different light.’
‘Oh, come on, James,’ I mutter. ‘You’ve been lying from the very first moment I met you. The “Help Wanted” sign for a start.’ I think back to that first morning when I knocked over the nutcracker in his shop.
At least he has the decency to hesitate before replying. ‘All right, there was that. But that was a little white lie because I couldn’t tell you who I really was. None of the shopkeepers would’ve spoken honestly to me. You would’ve held back and treated me as an enemy.’
‘I can’t imagine why, can you?’ I snap.
‘Of course I can. I deserve it, I know that. But what I said to you before is true – Scrooge’s ideas sounded right on paper but seeing the actual human impact of them changes things. And, believe it or not, I did come here to find a way to
