I can see Christian feeling cornered. Hemmed in. We are trying to tell him how we see that he is good. He only sees the bad, and he can’t bear what he does see.
He leans both hands on the bar and looks into my eyes.
“Jessica, I thought I had it beat. I thought I got back from… I thought when I got back home, stateside. I thought it was over. I don’t know if it’s a sickness or a weakness or a thing in my genes, but it’s there. It’s there just as much as it ever was. It’s like a beast and it doesn’t go away. I thought I had made it go, made it die. It was just hiding in the dark.”
Slowly, but directly, I moved my hand next to his. I want to take hold of his hand, but I wait. I just move my hand until my finger touches his. He flinches, but only a little. Then I slipped my hand over the backs of his fingers. I stroke the back of his hand, and I get the charge that I felt from before. It’s weaker, and it trembles a little. But it’s there.
“You don’t beat it, Christian and you don’t let it be you. It’s part of you. You live with it.”
“But don’t you see, I can’t live a life where… I can’t live a life with someone else. If that can come–”
“But you are in control of it, Christian.”
His hand grips on the countertop. The pain in his face is awful. I so want to just hug him, comfort him.
“Have you had a drink today, Christian?”
I want to look down the bar at the biker confirmation, but I know that I have to do this without allies. I have to do it, just him and me. He doesn’t speak, but he shakes his head.
“Yesterday?”
Again, he shakes his head.
“Did you have a drink since that bottle he took home with you?”
He shakes his head again. But he lifts his eyes, “But, Jessica–”
“But nothing. That’s a week of full control. Did you have any help?”
He shakes his head.
“Imagine how would be if you did have help.”
He nods. “I will. I will go to meetings.”
“That’s not the kind of help that I mean, Christian. You have to decide whether you want the support of a meeting. I’m talking about the help and support of somebody who can be close to you. Who cares about you, and will love you.” I squeeze his hand. “That kind of help.”
Finally, his hand turns over. At last, he takes my hand in his.
“I’m not worth it, Jessica. You can do better. And you deserve better.”
“You are. You really are worth it, Christian. And I know, but only could I not do better
“And I know, Christian, I can never do better than you. No woman could. You are better than as good as they get.”
I pull on his hand. “You’ve shown the strength and the will to heal yourself, and all you need is support.” His eyes are welling, but I don’t stop. “though, after what you did for Tandi and Mimi, I’d forgive you pretty much anything.”
He squeezes my hand. I tell him, “Come back with me. Let me give his ease. Come and let me love you. We will heal you completely. You and me. Together.”
Chapter 16 Christian
She stays in the bar and I keep turning over what she said. What it all means.
After a short while, I go round the bar. Tell everybody that we’re closing.
I tell bikers sitting nearest to the pool table first, so the players get some time to finish their game. The waitress, Deanne, is pleased to get the rest of the night off. Then she tries pouting and telling me, “I’ll be losing out on tips, though.” I put a hand on my hip and lift an eyebrow.
“Ah, well,” she says. Then smiles.
When I get back to the pool table, apart from Jessica, there’s only Crane left in the place, and the two pool players. Two big, ugly bikers, they have just two balls left on the table.
“We’re closing up now,” I tell them, “I think you heard me say before. I’ll wait while you knock your last two down, though.”
The smaller of the two, broad, barrel chested with a beard like a hedge, says, “Yeah we’ll just play one more frame.”
I step straight to him. My speed alone pulls him up. Slowly and precisely, I tell him, “We’re closing.” I take a step nearer. Right in his space. “Now.”
His eye flickers toward his buddy. I know his friend has more sense. Shrugging, they turn and leave.
I see Crane to the door. He shakes my hand as he goes. Points to Jessica and tells me, “I’d say that one’s a keeper,” and gives me
