The circulation was returning to my numb appendages, the burn making me wince as he covered my feet with the bottom of his heavy sweater.
“Sorry, it was stupid to take off like that. Thanks for rescuing me.”
“I’m happy you’re okay.” He pulled out his phone. “Dean went in the opposite direction to search, and Dar’s watching Sari,” he said, tapping at the screen. “Let me update them, and we’ll head home.”
I stared at my runners. Squelching down the path all the way to Jake’s wouldn’t be much fun. “You didn’t drive at least part of the way, did you?”
“I wish,” he said, “but we figured it would be easier to find you on foot.” As he knocked the snow out of my shoes and tied the laces together, he said, “Get ready for piggyback.”
“It’s a long way to carry me. I can walk.”
“Nah, hop on, and keep those socks dry.”
Maneuvering my arms through the sleeves of his jacket, I stood on the tiny dry spot where I’d been sitting, wrapping my arms over his shoulders and curling my legs around his waist.
Jake hooked his hands under my thighs. “Ready?” He started down the path at a good clip.
My faint footprints had been obliterated, the ones Jake had left on his way to me quickly fading under the onslaught of driving snow. The wind whistled through the trees, making me grateful my hands were tucked inside the long sleeves and my face pressed against his back.
Jake stayed silent until we reached the trailhead, then he slowed as we started up the city street, re-adjusting his grip on my legs. “Can we talk about it?” he asked as we trudged toward home.
“How could you let me find out like that? Did you think I never would?”
“One can always hope. Anyway, it’s not about us. Why let it affect our relationship?”
“How can it not affect us? It’s a breach of trust, you portioning out the bits of your life you want me to know and hiding the rest.”
“Yeah, because if I told you every detail of my shitty life you’d have given us a chance? You always take off the minute things get tough.”
“No, I give myself space so I don’t make a rash decision fuelled by hurt and anger, but you always act like I’m running.”
“Let’s stop for a second.” Jake ducked into one of the glass bus shelters along our route, turning so I could stand on the metal seat inside. He turned to face me, steadying me with his arm looped around my waist. “Have you thought this out, then?”
I nodded. “I want to know why it happened.”
“Why?” He brushed my hair back from my face with a gloved hand. “Dealing with her black moods? Feeling shut out? Loneliness? A million reasons. There were days when I could barely cope. Days when I felt excluded from my own life.” He bowed his head, resting his forehead against me. “You don’t want to hear the details.”
“How can I accept something I don’t understand?” I asked softy.
“When Alysa told me she was pregnant, she was practically delirious with excitement, but over time it changed. She got moody.”
“Hormones?”
He shook his head. “It was more than that. You see how it is with Dean and Dar?”
“Yeah.” I smiled, picturing our friends with their constant kissing and cuddling. “They’re so cute together.”
“They are, and I hope it lasts.” He sighed. “It was never like that for us. She pushed me away. No kissing, no cuddling, no affection. I was right there, right up to the moment Sari was born, but I felt like I missed it all.” He finally looked at me. “It was one time, and I feel completely shitty about it. Sometimes it’s an endless circle in my head, wondering if it was her depression or my cheating that put her over the edge. I’ll never know.”
“No, Jake. I’ve studied postpartum, and I dispense a shocking amount of antidepressants. Depression is insidious and difficult to treat, so stop blaming yourself. That’ll eat you alive.”
“Easy to say, but I fucked up my marriage like I did with our relationship, and now I’m fucking this up with you for the millionth time. So, now you’ll leave, right?”
I closed my eyes, balancing the good and the bad with the dark and the light of my beautiful yet imperfect man, letting our happy memories take over. Leaning in, I cupped his face between my sleeve-covered hands. “Well, that option sucks. No way to make that work.”
A faint smile appeared. “You’re choosing option one?”
“Yeah, I am. Whatever mistakes you made during your marriage aren’t for me to judge. Besides, you accepted my stupidity, so how can I do less for you?” I stroked his cheek with my thumb. “Anything else I need to know before the wedding?”
“No, that’s the worst of me.” He drew me in and kissed me, deep and slow. “I love you, Mare.”
No question I loved this man, his caring and tenderness making me crave him for a lifetime. It was all within reach. All I had to do was say yes.
As I settled into my seat for the flight to Vancouver, I took another look out the window, ready to wave goodbye to Halifax, even if only for a short time.
Jake buckled Sari into the seat between us. “No tears,” he said, signing along for his daughter’s benefit. “We’ll be back in a few days.”
Sari tipped her head toward me, tapping the thumb of her open hand to her chin and frowning.
I blinked harder, touched that Jake had spent the last few days telling his daughter to call me Mommy and teaching her the proper sign. “These are happy tears,” I said, my hands in motion. “Are you excited to see Tía Luci?”
The girl nodded, then
