He was alive, and Bruce was shooting fairy farts.
Eventually Bruce lost patience. It couldn’t be comfortable pushing out those explosive little fae. And though he couldn’t speak as a wolf, he could get into Laddin’s face and growl with menace. He had a good growl, one that made the hairs on Laddin’s neck leap to attention, and it was enough to ground Laddin back into the present and calm the hysteria that still careened around inside him.
He held up his hands in surrender. “I don’t know, Bruce. Truly, I’ve got no idea.”
Then a tiny voice cleared his throat. It was hard to tell what got their attention first, the sound or the abruptly rank air. But either way, both man and wolf turned to look at a tiny clump of white lumps that smelled like dairy gone very, very bad.
“We greet you, friend of the True Cheeses,” it said with a very deep bow.
Laddin narrowed his gaze until he could make out a face with dark eyes that looked like mold on the cheese body.
“I am Grand Master Cheesy, the great Fetid Feta. We ask you, Hero of the Bottom Air, is this human friend or foe? If friend, we will cheer his place as your second. If foe, we will destroy him with fermentation bombs and diabolical string mozzarella. What say you, Sir Bottom Air?”
The words didn’t make sense. Bruce first stared at the fairy, then turned to Laddin, his wolf expression managing to be both grumpy and baffled. Laddin wasn’t any help at all. It took all his resources just to hold back the panic. Then Bruce shook himself as if trying to clear his vision.
“They’re pixies,” Laddin said. “Or a fairy of some sort.” He looked at the Grand Master. “Right? You’re pixies?”
The Grand Master did not answer Laddin. His attention was all on Bruce. “Friend?” he repeated. Then he brandished a tiny, moldy fist. “Or foe?”
All around Laddin, the string cheese was getting ready to attack again. He saw them squat like a spring about to release, and panic set all his cells to screaming. “Friend!” Laddin cried out. “Bruce, tell them I’m your friend!”
Bruce didn’t speak because—damn it—he was still a wolf. He probably didn’t remember how to shift back. And now the cheddar cheese boulders were starting to combine into larger ones. Shit. Laddin knew from experience that they were hard as rocks.
“Come on, Bruce. Tell them I’m your friend,” Laddin said.
Bruce yipped once, then sidled up right next to Laddin, twisted his backside, and let fly with another rancid fart. Laddin thought he was making a statement, but the wind from his body was strong enough to send the string cheese rolling away. Tumbling alongside them were bits of parmesan that had come from places best left unmentioned.
And while those cheeses were laughing with great cheer, Laddin was quick to make everything clear to the Grand Cheesy. “That means we’re friends. Great friends!” he said as he wrapped his arms around Bruce’s wolf neck.
Fortunately Bruce dipped his chin in agreement. And then he turned and licked Laddin from chin to temple with a big wet tongue.
“Ew!” Laddin mumbled as he wiped away the slobber. “Cheese breath.” But given all the smells around here, that was probably one of the better ones.
They both turned to look again at Fetid Feta. The fairy was watching them with narrowed eyes, but the in the end, he bowed deeply before speaking again.
“Then we greet you, Cheese Breath, and welcome you to our great holy war.”
“No, I’m not….” Laddin stopped himself. Obviously the fairy thought he’d been introducing himself as Cheese Breath, but it wasn’t worth correcting. Especially when there was something more interesting to pursue. “Um, what great holy war, exactly?”
“The one against our mortal enemy! You destroyed her structure and have therefore declared us the winner in this battle. Behold the enemy prisoner before she departs.” He made a great gesture to the pile of sticks and stones, and there, sitting and sulking, was a tiny fairy who looked relatively normal compared to all the cheese around her. She wore a dress made of flowers that did not go with her furious expression as she pushed to her feet, kicked at a loose pebble, then gave them a middle-finger salute before puffing out of existence.
In response, all the cheese fairies pointed their middle fingers sideways and made a farting noise before pointing at Bruce and dissolving into laughter. Honest to God, it was a funny, funny sight, and Laddin couldn’t help but snort in laughter. Or maybe it was hysteria still. Hard to tell.
Bruce looked at him with a wounded expression, but he didn’t really seem hurt. If anything, the poor guy looked bewildered. Laddin dropped his forehead into Bruce’s fur and took a deep breath. The wolf definitely smelled better than anything else around here. And while he took comfort from the wolf’s solid presence, he whispered into the fur, knowing that Bruce would hear him clearly enough.
“We have to get out of here,” he whispered. The fae were capricious, and no mortal was safe around them.
Bruce woofed softly in agreement, and so Laddin straightened to his feet with a smile. His knees were weak and he kept a hand deep in Bruce’s ruff, but he made sure his voice was strong. “Well, Grand Master Cheesy, Great Fetid Feta, we thank you for this experience. Sadly, we must be leaving.” He was very pleased with himself for remembering the details of the leader’s name.
Except Feta didn’t seem so pleased. He leaped forward and dropped his hands on his crumbly hips. “You cannot leave! You have declared yourself our friend and therefore cannot leave until our
