“Yeah. So?”
“So, I’ve been an asshole my entire life. And I may be trying to make up for it now, but I’m still an asshole. And no amount of love from you is going to change that.” Bruce slumped in his seat and delivered the final blow. “Falling in love with someone you want to change is never going to work.”
“I don’t want to change you. I think you’re fine the way you are.”
Bruce shook his head. It was all he could do in the face of such willful blindness.
While he turned to stare moodily out at the full moon, Laddin pressed him with questions he didn’t want to explore. “You think you’re a monster, right?”
“I said asshole.” Though monster fit.
“And did you think of yourself that way before coming to Wisconsin?”
Of course he had. Or had he? He’d happily slept with girl after girl. At least he’d been honest with every one of them. As for his relationship with Josh, it was complicated and confused.
He suddenly realized that he’d never actually thought of himself as a monster until recently. Sure, he’d been a jerk and a bastard, but he’d never thought “monster” until he’d eaten the fairy fruit and it had opened his eyes to a world full of them.
He turned to gape at Laddin. “You think this is because of that fairy asshole?”
Laddin shook his head. “No, I think it’s the demon’s field. I think it takes normal bits of guilt and magnifies them into words like monster. Look deep, Bruce. Do you really think that badly of yourself?”
Yes.
No!
Maybe?
Bruce rubbed a hand over his face. “This magic stuff is fucked-up.”
“Yes, it is.” Then he flashed Bruce a grin. “But it keeps us on our toes, right?”
“And buried in cheese.”
Laddin shuddered. “Let’s not go there right now, okay?”
“Okay.” They lapsed into silence for a bit while Bruce fed Laddin more directions. There was more traffic here. Press vans and cops. No one stopped them yet, but that would come soon enough. “What does all this mean?” Bruce asked, not really expecting an answer.
“It means you need to remember that you’re not a monster.”
“I’ve been an asshole at times for sure. But you’re right—I’m not a monster.” Saying it aloud helped solidify it in his mind.
“And I love you.”
Bruce winced, but he tried to take it in without arguing. As he did, the tension inside him eased—and the part that kept insisting he was a monster dimmed. It didn’t go away, but it wasn’t front and center in his thoughts anymore.
With that realization came understanding. “You’re using positive thought to fight the depressive field.”
Laddin nodded. “Effective, isn’t it?”
Yes. But that made him wonder, were Laddin’s feelings real? Or was he latching on to love as a way to fight depression? Was everything they’d just discussed a tactic to be used in the field and nothing more?
Shit, now he was more confused than ever. But they’d run out of time to discuss things, since the next turn brought them to the first checkpoint. It was time to stop thinking about feelings and start looking for the demon that was ending the world.
Chapter 21
HOW MANY FAIRYLANDS ARE THERE?
LADDIN PULLED up to the first checkpoint and forced himself to smile at the guard. He handed over his ID and waited while Stratos came out to meet them. Her hair was tied back into a short ponytail and her eyes had a haggard drag to them, but she smiled and tossed Bruce his Wulf, Inc. ID dog tags as she climbed into the back seat of the car.
“Don’t lose that,” she said. “Wiz used the last of his magic last night to make them for you. They’ll even stay on you if you go wolf.”
Laddin watched Bruce stare at the tags, then swallow. It was like he was stuffing all extraneous thoughts and feelings into a mental box labeled Later so he could deal with the problem at hand.
Laddin respected that. Not many people could be that tidy, but Bruce knew how to prioritize even something as immediate as emotions. A moment later he put the tags over his head and tucked them under his T-shirt.
“Where’s Wiz?” Laddin asked.
“Waiting at the last checkpoint.” Then, before Laddin could ask, she held up a hand. “We’re taking a break from each other.”
He wasn’t surprised. Even back at headquarters, the two bickered all the time. They argued about everything—from who was supposed to grab the whiteboard markers all the way through complex magical theory. He could barely remember a time they weren’t at each other’s throats. And it must be even worse this close to the lake. Unfortunately, right now, they needed Wiz. He was the only experienced field operator among them.
“Stratos—” he said.
“He thinks he knows everything.”
“That’s because he often does.” Wiz was Sheldon, Doctor Strange, and Sherlock Holmes all wrapped together in one handsome, arrogant package.
“I know that!” Stratos said. “Still, that doesn’t mean I’m going to let him get away with acting like he’s all that.”
“Even when he is?”
Stratos growled low and deep in her chest. “Just shut up and drive. We’ll pick him up soon enough. See if you can stand him.”
She slumped back into her seat, but Laddin was watching her reflection in the rearview mirror. Her body was tired and her expression bleak. She was not the firecracker of a woman he knew, the one who had once ruled the WOW gaming circuit as much for her attitude as her skills. “How long have you been in this zone?”
“Since well before you got here.” She looked at Bruce. “You going to solve all our problems?”
Bruce flashed a cocky grin. “Absolutely not. You’ve got way too many issues for me to fix.”
“Great,” Stratos muttered. “Another guy who thinks he’s funny.”
They were both fronting. Laddin could tell Bruce was
