“Hollywood?” I still don’t understand.
“The movie industry,” she explains. “In Hollywood, actresses find it incredibly difficult to get parts when they get older. Of course, aging men have no such problem. Don’t even get me started on that double-standard. In pop culture, women in their forties are invisible. And so, Naomi has a bunch of cultural conditioning to overcome. Then there’s the way you look.”
“What? She said that too. What is the problem with the way I look?”
Alice sighs in exasperation. “You’re gorgeous. You all are. Your Supreme Mother liked her soldiers pretty, I guess, because she made the six of you extremely easy on the eye.” She smiles at me. “No offense, but I obviously think Kadir’s the best looking.”
“None taken. The Supreme Mother made me good-looking. So what? Naomi is beautiful too. More importantly, she’s strong.” She survived the scientists. “She’s brave.” They broke her mind, but she pieced it back together. She volunteered for this mission. I think about the floofs snuggling against her. “She’s kind. Surely those are more important attributes. Beauty fades for all of us in the end.”
Alice tilts her head to the side again, her eyes narrowing. Bast. I’ve said too much. Kadir’s mate is not stupid. If she starts piecing together everything I’ve said, that will not end well.
“She’s doing better,” I say in a desperate attempt to change the topic. “Naomi, I mean. She’s different now. From before.” I’m babbling. “I thought I knew her, but I don’t. She’s full of surprises.” Stop talking, Danek. Stop talking now. “Turning forty—it is a time of significance?”
“Yes. It's a milestone birthday. It’s a big deal. Why?”
“Naomi said she turned forty during her captivity.”
Alice’s expression turns sad. “Oh, poor Naomi,” she whispers. “She never said. That is heartbreaking.”
As much as I want to keep myself from caring, I can’t do that. Not with Naomi. Not ever. So much has been taken from her. It isn’t right that she loses this too. I take a deep breath. “Tell me, what do humans normally do on their birthdays?”
11
Naomi
It’s easy in theory to tell myself to stay away from Danek. It’s a lot harder to do in practice.
Because he’s charming. And attentive. And when he holds the floofs, his expression might be stern, but his hands are gentle, and the animals show no sign of fear.
Then again, there’s cold reality. Reality tells me that I am reading far too much into this. Reality tells me that the heat in his eyes is fake. Reality tells me that there is no way that Danek would be interested in me, a forty-year-old woman who’s afraid of everything, who is, even after sixty-two days, still traumatized by what the scientists did to me.
As soon as were back in the Aheat, I escape. First, I hide in the bathroom, and then, I tell Danek that I need to pack and no, I don't need his help.
“Are you sure?” he asks, his dark eyes resting on me. His voice is knowing, and his gaze is perceptive. Too perceptive. Once again, I get the sense that he can read my thoughts, and once again, it makes me nervous.
“I'm absolutely sure. You probably need to tell the others that we’re leaving ahead of schedule, don't you?”
“I do,” he agrees. He levels another long, searching glance at me, and then he leaves the room, shutting the door behind him.
Alone at last.
Okay Naomi, I tell myself sternly. Shut this thing down. You are not a teenager. Even as a teenager, you never went through this ‘he likes me, he likes me not’ bullshit. You are a grown-ass woman who has far more important things to do than worry about whether Danek is attracted to you or not.
I’m flipping out. My emotions are oscillating from one extreme to another. I want him around. I want him gone. I think he might be attracted to me. A second later, I’m convinced there’s no way that’s going to happen. I want his arms around me. I want to push him away.
I’m losing my mind, and that’s not good. This is not healthy. This turmoil, this pendulum of emotions, I am not strong enough to cope with it. After what the rogue scientists did to me, I might never be strong enough.
Focus on the mission. Worry about the upcoming trip to Noturn. Now is not the time to develop feelings for Danek. Now is not the time to want things that you cannot have.
On autopilot, I pack my new clothing into my bag. Out come the grey jumpsuits and the utilitarian grey, black, and white shirts that have been my de facto uniform of the last sixty days. In goes pretty dresses, silky blouses, and skimpy underwear. It feels strange. As if I'm a butterfly, emerging out of a cocoon, ready to face the world.
Back in the boutique, I'd tried on a long, flowing dress that looked like it was made up out of the night sky. When I moved, the skirt had swirled around me, shimmering with stars and moonlight and magic. When I twirled, laughing in glee at the effect, I would've sworn that Danek was imagining ripping the dress off me. That he was imagining me naked.
He'd stalked up to me. He'd stood close, so close that when I took a deep breath, my nipples brushed against his chest. He looked down at me, a small smile on his face. He’d cupped my jaw, and his thumb had grazed my lower lip. And the expression on his face…
The expression on his face had been… love.
Knock it off, Naomi. He's a good actor. A very good one.
But what if? He’s not in love with me—I’m not deluded enough to believe that. But what if he was really attracted to me? What if he wasn't pretending? What if the desire were real?
The three bright furballs watch me pack, their gazes sharp and curious. They're adorable, but they
