She peers at my face, her hologram inches from the tip of my nose. “Have you been crying?”
Have I? “No.”
“Are you sure? You look dreadful.” She smiles to soften the words of their sting. “No offense.”
“None taken.” I survey her. She’s looking a little green around the edges. “You don’t look so hot either.”
“I hate this colony ship,” she replies. “I’ve never been more seasick in my life. Ugh.”
I’ve never been on a colony ship, but I’ve seen pictures. They’re massive, the spaceship equivalent of mega cruise ships, the ones with a dozen decks, a couple dozen pools, and who-knows-how-many restaurants. I’d have thought that they’d be so stable you wouldn’t even be able to tell you’re in space, but maybe I’m wrong. “That’s a shame. Your healer buddies can’t give you something for it?”
“I haven’t asked,” she mutters. “Forget about that. Tell me why you’re upset.”
I contemplate lying, but to be honest, I could use her perspective. I’m tired of rehashing the issue in my head, and Alice is relentlessly pragmatic. “I’ve been sleeping with Danek.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“You don’t look surprised.”
“Should I be?” She gives me an amused smile. “I’m not blind, and the two of you aren’t exactly subtle about mooning after each other.”
“What?”
“Never mind that. Tell me why you’ve been crying.” Her smile fades. “Did he do something? Do I need to kick his ass? Because I will.”
A giggle forces its way out of me. “No, he didn’t do anything. It’s just…” My voice trails away as I try to articulate what’s wrong. “Well, he’s gorgeous, and I’m forty.”
“So what?”
“It won’t last, will it? I mean, we’re sleeping together now because we’ve been forced together. It’s the proximity, as much as anything. But when we’re back at the rebellion, sooner or later, someone younger and prettier will come along, and he’ll realize that I’m too old for him.” I bite my lower lip. The words come out in a rush. “I want it to last.”
“Why wouldn’t it last?” Her forehead furrows. “Has he ever indicated that he wanted anyone else?”
“He can’t, can he?” I get up off the chair and pace around the small yard, mindful to stay within the cone of silence. “Here, he’s my husband. He has to pretend to be desperately in love with me. That’s the cover story.”
“Hmm. And at the rebellion, did you ever see him flirt with anyone? Go out with anyone, express any interest in any of the many women there?”
I think back to Bestea. “Just because I haven’t seen it doesn’t—”
“Mala asked him out. He turned her down.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know that.
“Maybe,” she continues. “He’s really interested in you.”
Could it be…? But that’s impossible. I’m too broken. Danek’s seen me cower in response to the klaxons. “I had a panic attack yesterday. The alarms went off here, and I was supposed to follow the evacuation protocol, and instead, I blacked out. I woke up in the bathtub.” I grimace. “What the hell am I doing, sleeping with him? I’m too fucked up.”
“I had a panic attack yesterday,” Alice replies. “So what?”
My head snaps up. “You did?” Alice seems so pulled-together all the time. She has her shit figured out. She’s studying to be a healer. She’s in a relationship with Kadir. I can’t imagine her in the middle of an anxiety attack.
“Sure. I have nightmares, just like you do. I’d love to start a family with Kadir, but I’m also terrified. What the scientists did to me, what if they messed something up so badly that my baby bears the brunt of it? The healers think I’m fine, but nobody knows for certain, because nobody knows exactly what the scientists injected into me. Their notes are gone, and they’re all dead. There’s no one to ask. No way of being sure.”
She gives me a sad smile. “I can’t talk to Kadir about this, because what if he desperately wants children but then it turns out that I can’t get pregnant? I don’t want to raise his hopes and then shatter them. I don’t want to break his heart.” She takes a deep breath. “Enough about me. So what if you blacked out? The process of healing is not a straight line. Some days, you’ll have setbacks. That’s just the way things are. What counts is what you do the day after.” She laughs. “Look at me. I should learn to take my own advice.”
Green about the edges. Constantly seasick. Throwing up a lot. A smile starts to grow on my face. I don’t think she knows. She’s so focused on what could go wrong that she’s not seeing what’s right in front of her. “You know something? You should really talk to Kadir.”
And I should really talk to Danek.
As soon as this mission is over.
I used to go on adventures when I was younger. I used to be brave. I used to do stuff and embrace life and put my heart on the line.
Somewhere, I lost my way. Somewhere, I became afraid. The rogue scientists who tortured me played a role, and so did Will’s premature death.
I thought the sixty-day-mark was the day I reclaimed myself. I thought the day I opened my apartment door and went exploring was the day I started to live again.
But that was a false door. A false transition. Because I’m still guarding my heart. Danek has given me every indication that he cares, and yet, I’m still afraid.
Time to take the next step, Naomi.
26
Danek
According to Director Lashi’vi, the new dome is two hours to the north-west of our location. That doesn’t make any sense. “The oxygen tanks on the skimmers—”
She rattles off a serial number. “That skimmer has a hidden backup atmospheric purifier,” she says. “It will start working as soon as you switch to manual mode.”
Sneaky.
A portable atmospheric purifier will extend the skimmer’s range from two hours to
