After I get home, I break out all the stops. I take out my phone and actually communicate. I hang out with my good friends every now and then, but I’m a bit of a loner. I never liked going out, and I never did the parties thing. Then there was the whole Calvin incident. I dated him for four years until I was twenty-five. In those four years, his jealously and possessiveness pretty much drove away all the friends I had. Only a few stuck with me. I let it happen. I still, after all this time I’ve been single, have no idea why I let him do those things. I guess, when I finally figured out what was happening, I put a stop to it and broke up with him, but I was pretty naïve about it for a long time.
I really dug into work to try and make myself happy and give my life meaning. I guess old habits do indeed die hard. Because I’d rather be at home going over people’s profiles or writing emails to my existing clients than out doing things that people my age normally do.
Tonight, though, I can’t help myself. I need advice.
I plop down in bed, my phone in hand. My sister and I have one of those relationships where we were always friends. She’s three years older than me, so we weren’t that close growing up because I was mostly a pest to her, and she was like this unattainable goddess to me who I admired the heck out of. After I graduated, though, we started talking more and even doing things together. She never liked Calvin, and I know she was relieved when I finally broke up with him and could be free again. I probably would have done it sooner if she lived in St. Paul, but she moved to Orlando three years ago for work. We’re sisters, so no matter what, no matter how many weeks we go without talking to each other, we’re still able to just pick up the phone and instantly reconnect.
I’ve never really asked Janice for advice when it comes to relationships. While she didn’t like Calvin, she never told me to my face that he was the worst of bad news. She basically saved it all for after I had already broken up.
I type in a text, but then I hesitate and delete it. I have a few more false starts before I sigh and finally just write something honest.
Rowan: I have a client that I’m working with right now. I’m supposed to be arranging a match for him, but all I can think about is…. well… him.
Janice sometimes doesn’t answer her phone for hours or even a few days. She’s a teacher, so she doesn’t live by her phone like I do. Sighing, I wait and see if she’ll reply, and I’m a little surprised when my phone dings. I wait for a minute, trying to damp down my shame at my admission before I check it.
Janice: (brain exploding emoji) Umm… that might break some professional rules?
Rowan: Don’t worry. With the way things are going, pretty soon I won’t have a job.
Janice: Well, then that would be alright. Your workplace is toxic anyway.
I sigh. That’s just Janice, giving me her opinion after the fact. It’s like she has this rule where she can’t interfere in my life, but once something is in the past, and I’ve made my own decisions about it, the floodgates just pour right open.
Rowan: You’ve never said you thought it was bad before.
Janice: Because my opinion about it doesn’t count. It’s you who works there. I know you’re committed to your job, but your boss is a dick, and you’re seriously unappreciated there.
Rowan: I like what I do. Helping people is always nice.
Janice: You chose that job because they hired you when you were sick of working retail at the mall. It wasn’t a higher calling.
Ouch. While it is true, it does sting. Janice is far from being done, and I realize—as I glance down at those little bouncing text dots—I’m about to hear some non-sugar coated truth. I did ask for it, I remind myself. I was the one who texted her.
Janice: You never went to college like you always said you would because you were happy working there.
Rowan: I was. That wasn’t the reason I didn’t go.
Janice: Right. That would be the asshole who dominated your life for half of your twenties.
Rowan: Okay, I don’t want to talk about that. Or college. I have a serious problem here.
Janice: Right. The crushing on the client thing.
Rowan: Well… I don’t know that it’s a crush.
Janice: If you can’t stop thinking about him or focus on matching him up with actual good dates because you’re hoping to sabotage it so you can have a chance, then that’s bad. Really bad.
Rowan: I would never do that.
Janice: I know. I wasn’t done yet. I was going to finish up with your better sense wins out, but if you still can’t stop thinking about him no matter how hard you try, that might be a crush.
Rowan: It’s not a crush. I don’t know…
Janice: It’s normal to be attracted to other people, you know. To want to date. It’s been a long time since you broke up. You’ve moved on. You’re probably ready now, which is good. I thought Mr. Assholeface might have ruined you on men forever.
Rowan: Thanks for that. (angry, red-faced emoji with a swear bar in front of the mouth)
Janice: (blushing face emoji) I’m just saying.
Rowan: I get that. But what do I do about this?
Janice: Have you ever thought about telling him how you feel?
Rowan: (skull and
