“I’m sorry.” I search my mind, trying to grasp at some of what I rehearsed in the car. It was shitty for sure, but it was also better than nothing. “For everything. I’m sorry I pretended as if what we had was nothing. Like it didn’t happen. It wasn’t nothing. Not for me. And it did happen. Yeah, it happened. Like, a lot. I mean, it really happened. I’m sorry for shutting you out. For hurting you. For being a huge dickhead. I’m emotionally stunted, and it’s been a long time. No, I mean, it’s been never. I’ve never felt anything like this before, so I panicked. I shut down. I had to block it all out, not talk about it. Pretend like it wasn’t real because that would make it real, and I didn’t know how to make it real, and I—”
Sutton puts up a hand, cutting me off. She’s probably going to tell me where to stick my pathetic attempt at an apology and also telling her I care. Her eyes grow wide and frantic, and all of a sudden, she’s doing this weird, shallow breathing. It takes me a second to realize what’s about to happen, but I don’t react fast enough. She’s quicker. She whirls, steps to the edge of the step area—a few hedges are planted there near the house’s window that overlooks the driveway—bends at the waist, and throws up.
I’m so stunned that it takes me a few seconds to get my ass over there and place my hand at the small of her back. I rub gentle circles there while I try to keep her from toppling off the step with a hand at her shoulder.
I ignore the rush of saliva gathering in my own mouth. I get wicked sympathy stomach whenever I see someone else toss their cookies.
Even though she’s still breathing hard, Sutton straightens. She brushes the back of her arm over her forehead, swiping away her sticky hair and the sweat that is running into her eyes. I don’t have any tissues in my pocket or anything as motherly as that, but I do offer her my sleeve. She gives me a wobbly smile and uses the back of her arm instead.
“Oh my god,” she sniffles. “I’m sorry. I’m really not feeling well this morning. My grandma wasn’t kidding. It was rather convenient, using it as an excuse not to go into work.”
“That’s not…well, not exactly the response I thought I was going to get when I decided to come here and pour my heart out.”
“I’m…oh, shit,” she groans. “No. I didn’t…I really was feeling sick before you got here.”
“I know. I was just kidding.”
“I—Philippe… I mean, I’m—thank you for coming here and—and telling me all that, but…”
“But you don’t feel the same way,” I fill in for her. At least I manage to keep the utter disappointment from creeping into my voice. Being pathetic never looked good on anyone. “It’s my own fault I missed my chance. I—my dad was a real family man. Even when the company took off, and he became busy, he’d work from home as much as possible. We always came first no matter what else was going on for him. He was the best dad ever, and after I lost him, I was lost too. It was so sudden. I didn’t want to think about the fact that I’d never see him again. Never do anything with just us again. Never have him there for my own kids. He was so proud of the company, and he really cared. I thought if I could run it the way he did, I could make him proud of me. I…I thought I could be more like him then. Instead, I just buried myself in it. I lost sight of what he valued most, which was his family.”
Sutton is looking at me strangely. Her eyes are all big and round and shiny.
“Are you…are you okay? Are you going to be sick again?”
She shakes her head wildly. “So, you want kids one day? Do you actually like them?”
“Yes! I always saw myself having kids. My parents did so many things with us. Jen and I were so loved. We still are. I have so many good memories growing up. I just hope I can be half as good of a dad as mine was to me.”
“But you…you never…”
“Said that? Talked about it? I know. I lost sight of a lot of things these past few years. But I do. I want a family, and I want to love someone. I want to be loved. My parents had a great relationship too. Their marriage was happy, and they truly loved each other. I always wanted that for myself. I just didn’t think it was possible. And then, I can’t even say, and then I met you because I met you a long time ago, but I had my head wedged so far between my butt cheeks that I was totally useless.”
“That’s a great image.”
“It took reading the crazy journal you wrote to wake me up. I don’t know. Maybe it was before that. But I definitely know it was after. I really saw you, Sutton, and you made me see myself too. You made me remember all those things I wanted. Everything I had forgotten.”
“Glad to be of service in curing your amnesia.”
“Seriously.” We’re still standing close together. Really close. Close enough that I can take her hand and hold it in both of mine. Her fingers feel so light there. So delicate. “If you want to quit your job, that’s your choice, but I don’t want you to quit on me. I’ll fight for you. Do what it takes to convince you. I’ll romance you. I’ll date you. Properly this time. I’ll even ask your grandma’s permission. I’ll do whatever it takes. Beg
