“It’s amazing what one can do with a little push.” The doctor leaned forward and held out his hand for the bottle. Reluctantly, Anderson handed it over. “When did you take your last dose?”
“Right before I got in my car to drive here.”
An arched eyebrow was the only emotion the doctor had shone since he’d dimmed the lights a few minutes before. “And you were fifteen minutes away, correct?”
Anderson blinked, surprised the doctor had that information. He nodded.
The doctor smiled, and Anderson relaxed under the silent approval the gesture created. “That makes sense. It starts to take effect between twenty and thirty minutes later. You’ll start feeling it soon.” Tucking the bottle into his own pocket, the doctor clicked his pen.
Anderson moved to the edge of the couch, his jaw twitching. “Why did you keep my medication?”
“You don’t need it right now.”
“But I do need it.” His thumb itched, bending at the knuckle. “I can’t stop my compulsions without it.”
“I’ll return it when we’re finished.” The doctor glanced to the side, reminding Anderson that the intern sat just outside the circle of light, silently watching from the shadows.
He shuddered. “Why is he here again?”
“He’s learning. Are you feeling anxious, Anderson?”
“A little.”
“You’ve had an eventful day.”
Anderson nodded, thumb waving, the urge to count so strong that his throat constricted. He licked his lips and swallowed hard. When the doctor’s eyes lowered and settled on Anderson’s hand, he locked his thumb joint, ashamed. “Why isn’t the medication working?”
“You’ve had an eventful day, like I said.” The doctor reached into his pocket, pills clicking against each other inside the plastic cylinder. He opened the lid and shook out one pill, handing it to Anderson. “Have another.”
Anderson stared at the pill in his hand. The doctor motioned to the intern, who stood quickly, shuffling deeper into the shadows. He returned with a water bottle from the mini fridge, twisted the cap off, and handed it to Anderson. Holding the pill in one hand and the water in the other, Anderson was frozen by uncertainty. “Is it safe to take two on the same day?”
“Absolutely. You want relief, don’t you?”
Nodding, Anderson regarded the tiny white pill, jaw working as he grappled with his choices. He could take a second pill and hope the doctor was right, or he could suffer in silence the way he had for years.
“What the hell,” he muttered finally, popping the pill into his mouth and chasing it with a swallow of water. He pursed his lips, turning the water bottle to the side to read the label. “Is this flavored?”
“There’s a hint of cucumber and mint or some trendy nonsense like that.” Another small smile shifted the doctor’s expression. “Do you like it?”
Anderson took another drink, not stopping until the bottle was empty. “It’s delicious.”
“I’ll make sure to keep it in stock. Now, shall we begin?”
“Sure.”
The doctor set aside the pen and steepled his hands, watching him with interest. “You were saying when you walked in that you’d had a successful day. Was the rest of the week positive as well?”
Anderson nodded and blinked as the edges of his vision went fuzzy for an instant before sharpening. “Overall, it’s been one of my best weeks. I’ve felt almost invincible.”
“And the suicidal ideation?”
Anderson stiffened, casting his gaze toward the intern before shooting the doctor a look of betrayal. “That was almost a year ago. I don’t know why we need to talk about that now.”
“Establishing a baseline to measure progress is an important part of the process.”
Anderson scratched his itchy palm, blinking again as his vision went out of focus. The right corner of his lip twitched upward. “I haven’t thought about killing myself since I started treatment, no.” The doctor’s pen scratched over the paper, making him want to clamp his teeth together. He scratched his palm again as sweat dampened his underarms. “Is it hot in here?”
“The temperature is the same as usual. Are you feeling hot?”
His shoulder flexed and relaxed, almost on its own. “Yes.”
“It will pass.” The doctor tilted his head to the side, a dreamy smile settling over thin lips. “What about intrusive thoughts? Have they been as loud as before?”
“They’re almost gone.” He flinched, glancing down to see that his hands were clenched so tight, his nails dug into his palms. He tried to open his fist, but his fingers only twitched. “Something is wrong.”
“When those thoughts do intrude, are they the same as before? Do you see yourself jumping out a window?”
Anderson’s head lifted, his eyes narrowing as he divided his attention between the doctor and his hands. “Not anymore, no.”
“Look at me, Anderson. Give me your full attention.”
Anderson blinked, and his eyes focused on the distinguished man only a few feet away. “Yes, Doctor.”
“Can you feel the wind whipping through your hair as you plummet to the earth?”
“It would be hard to breathe. The wind would rush at me so fast it would be difficult to draw a breath.” Anderson clamped his mouth shut, a moan locked in his throat. “I don’t know where that came from.”
“Where would you do it, Anderson?”
“At work.” Anderson’s shoulder jumped, his fingernails digging deeper into his palm. “The balcony looks over the courtyard.” He swayed in his seat, blinking his eyes rapidly to clear them of the vision, but it was as if he were staring down at the inner courtyard at work. “There’s a fountain there. Four stories down.”
“Ellora would be shocked.”
Anderson’s vision disappeared, turning gray before
