She tried to imagine cutting off all ties with her father and the congregation. Even though Lovey disagreed with many of their collective views, there was safety and comfort in blending in. If she married Joe she’d be protected and cared for. His family was supportive and accepting. She knew with Joe she could have what most would define as a good life. No doubt she would grow to love Joe over time. And what she was feeling for Royal would burn out like a shooting star, despite the brilliant light of it across the night sky.
She needed to end this. She was doing neither of them any favors by drawing this out. She knew what she had to do.
“Royal, I’m sorry. We shouldn’t see each other anymore.” She looked at Royal, who regarded her with a dumbfounded expression on her face. “Believe me when I tell you that this is as hard for me as it is for you, but I’m doing what I believe is best for both of us.”
Royal stood up, but didn’t speak. She walked across the room running her hand through her hair, her shoulders drooping in defeat.
“You’re not doing this for me, Lovey. You’re afraid. You’re afraid to allow yourself to love me. Don’t make this about anything else but what it is. Fear.”
“When you’ve had time to really think this through you’ll know I’m right. There’s no place here for a love like ours. We have to let it go.”
Royal faced Lovey, with a trail of tears on her tanned cheeks. “What if I can’t let it go?”
“Royal, you have to. We have to.”
“Why?”
“Lots of reasons.” Lovey struggled to articulate the jumble of conflicted thoughts in her head. “We would be ostracized if we were to openly declare our love. I’m not ready to bear the weight of that. Are you?”
“For you? Yes. Yes, I am.” Royal took a few steps toward her. “Not everyone feels the way you think they do. My family would grow to love you. Don’t give up on us before you even try to make it work.”
“And if we tried and failed, then the damage would already be done. We couldn’t take any of it back. I’d rather stop this before the damage actually happens.”
“Don’t let fear run your life. Lovey, this doesn’t sound like you.”
“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think.” Self-loathing was settling like a dense fog in her chest. What sort of person hurts the woman they love for a friendly arrangement of marriage? A coward, that’s who. She was a coward. Was she? Or was she just being mature and judicious?
She covered her face with her hands. After a minute, she felt the warmth of Royal’s hands on her wrists.
“Lovey, please don’t do this,” whispered Royal. “Give us more time to figure it all out. Just a little more time.”
She wanted to sink into Royal’s arms. She wanted to cry and say it had all been a horrible mistake. But somewhere, deep inside she heard her father’s voice. This was one of those defining moments when a deliberate act was required. Like swallowing a bitter medicine, she knew this was for their own good. If Royal couldn’t see that then she would have to see it for both of them.
If she’d known this was going to happen, if she’d known this was going to be the end, would she still have come? Probably not. But here she was, and she knew what she had to do. She felt the conservative paradigm of her entire life constricting around her like a vise, giving her only one choice.
“I can’t see you any more, Royal. I’m sorry. I should never have let things go this far.”
She waited for Royal to say something, and when she didn’t, Lovey let herself out, shutting the door slowly behind her. Her chest seized with heartache as she leaned against the closed door.
She’d never done anything so difficult in her life as walk out of that room. But she knew she had to. She knew that she wasn’t ready to love Royal so openly and risk the ridicule of the community. When she said she wasn’t brave, she’d meant it. She didn’t think she’d be able to withstand the judgment from her father if he ever discovered the truth.
An excruciating pain now would save both of them from the lingering heartache of a world conspiring against them if they tried to be together.
❖
Royal turned around slowly in the center of the room. She was adrift. She knew she should have held some of herself back with Lovey. But she hadn’t. And now Lovey had shut the door and carried her heart away.
She slumped back into the chair and was about to take a sip of whiskey when she noticed the faint imprint of Lovey’s lipstick on the rim of the glass. Rage surged in her chest. She threw the glass at the door, sending a spray of whiskey and broken shards all over the floor and the wall.
She leaned forward, holding her face in her hands. After a minute, she couldn’t breathe. She stood and began pacing the room from end to end. What was she going to do now? She’d let herself hope. She’d allowed herself to dream.
Dreams were terrible things if you let them take hold, if you truly believed them. A dream could change your world. The death of a dream could destroy it.
❖
An hour or so later, Lovey was walking down the driveway when she saw her father sitting
