Factories and terraced houses became countryside and market towns as the train rattled forward. London was gone, like a dream. Like all dreams, it was difficult to make logical sense of it now it was gone. She stared, unseeing, at southern England drifting past the window. She’d not seen fields since she had arrived in London, but there was nothing soothing about being in the open again. She had rather liked being surrounded by the tall, ostentatious buildings of London. At least they were something, not nothing, like these empty fields.
The hours passed. She roused herself enough to buy a cup of tea from the buffet car and then returned to gazing out of the window. A wintery shower streaked her view with trickling raindrops, but still she stared. Her mind was too busy to register what she was seeing. She could not help the thought that came, at first just a nagging doubt and then a growing certainty the longer she focused on it. If she had stayed at home, in West Coombe, would Edward still be alive?
Chapter Twenty-one
Darkness had fallen by the time Evelyn arrived on Main Street, West Coombe. The journey had been arduous, with a long wait at Bristol for the next Totnes-bound train. She was hungry and tired. Yet back in West Coombe, her senses came alive.
The familiarity was almost a relief. She might have been eager to leave the place but it had been her lifelong home. Every tree, hedgerow, and building was familiar. The sour salt smell of the sea was very different to the smoky air of London. Although she could barely admit it to herself, part of her belonged here, part of her missed this place.
She caught her first glimpse of the sea, black and smooth, reflecting the lights of the town. She’d barely even thought of the sea when she was in London, and yet here it was, the same as ever. Nothing had really changed.
To imagine that West Coombe had simply gone on without her was almost a surprise. Of course, she was not so selfish as to imagine that she was more important than anyone else in the town. It was just that it was strange to picture the town, here, the same as ever, while she was experiencing all she had in London. Just as, she realised, it was now very odd to think that London was there, going on. Clara and Courtney, Dorothy, Vernon, James and Lilian. Jos. They were all living their lives in places familiar to them just as they had before she had arrived. The buses were still travelling London’s streets, jazz was still playing at the Orchid. She did not like to think of everything being the same, just without her there to witness it, be part of it.
Although it wasn’t the same for Jos. She could be fairly certain of that. Now that she was off the train, her sense of her distance from Jos was very keen. Even if Jos wanted to find her, to hold her through the night, she could not. Jos was out of her reach now, and Evelyn had no way of knowing if Jos would care about that or not. Perhaps she was still out drinking whisky and seducing any easily led woman who came near her. Perhaps it was best that Evelyn believed that.
Evelyn approached her family home slowly. Now, all thoughts of London were overcome by the tension of being home. Despite everything, she prayed there had been a mistake, that she would walk through the door and find Edward there, in his usual chair. Whatever censure came from her family, she was sure she could cope with it if Edward was there.
At the door, Evelyn hesitated. She would never had knocked on it before but this was not her home now. Still, the idea of knocking on the door of her own family home seemed ridiculous and far too miserable to contemplate for long. Instead, she summoned her courage and went inside.
Evelyn found her family gathered around the large kitchen table. Her mother and father, Annie and Peter were all there. With them was Annie’s husband. Edward was not there, just as she had known would be the case. At her entrance, they all looked up.
“Evelyn!” her mother exclaimed. For a moment, she sounded relieved and pleased to see her. Then her expression changed to one of cold anger. “You’ve decided to honour us with your presence, then?”
“Hello, Mother. And everyone.” Evelyn paused. “Annie wrote to me and told me about Eddie.” Was she supposed to fall on the floor and beg their forgiveness? Were they waiting for an apology? It was difficult to tell. “I’m sorry if I gave you all a scare, or if you thought it rather selfish of me to go off like that. I’ve come home to see if I can help with Eddie.”
“Selfish is the word,” her father said. “And I don’t just mean that we needed the help in the shop. You disappointed a very good young man.”
“But I didn’t want to marry him, not really,” Evelyn replied. It seemed like such a long time since she had accepted Michael’s proposal. Clearly it was still far more important to her family than it was to her.
“You’re a very silly child,” her mother said. “Living in a fairy story. He’s a good man and you were too selfish to see it. Too concerned with what you want to be a good wife.”
Evelyn wondered if her mother could really hear the words coming out of her own mouth. “Mother, it would have been awfully selfish of Michael to marry me, knowing I didn’t want to.” Her mother seemed about to respond, so Evelyn continued. “Besides, it’s in the past now. I wrote to him and apologised.”
“He’s found someone else, you know,” Annie said, with a tone that suggested she wanted to hurt Evelyn.
How little her
