“Having fun?”
I knew I was in with some sort of chance with him, because he was speaking to me.
“No,” I replied. “You?”
He shook his head. “You from round here? Not seen you before.”
“How did you guess?”
“Your T-shirt kind of gives it away.”
“Pourquoi?”
He laughed. “And the fact you just said ‘pourquoi.’ Both of those things could get you beaten up round here.” He glanced at me and bit his lip. “I mean, you should have seen the fuss when I came out as bi.”
He was almost smooth about it. Almost.
“Who are you here with?” I asked.
“My parents.” He sounded glum. “My younger sister’s in that dance troupe. You?”
“I’m with the guy who won,” I said.
“With him, as in…”
I smiled. “He’s my cousin.”
“Oh, OK.” He glanced at me again. “He’s cute.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Runs in the family, huh?”
He blushed then and rightly so, and so did I, because wow.
And then our eyes met, for that second or two longer than normal that makes your heart skip a beat.
“Fancy a wander?” he said.
“Sure.”
And then, after a bit of charged silence: “I’m Connor.”
“And I’m Jack. Nice to meet you.”
And we turned into each other, just by the wall, and started kissing. This is not love. Of course it’s not. But something in me needed this, and I think something in him needed it too. It’s nice. I know I won’t see this lad again, and I don’t even want to. I just needed to feel like someone out there might still like me.
*
Elliot jabbers on for the entire journey back to the hotel, which is good, because Nate is really, like, really silent. Not just quiet. Silent. So something’s up with him … again. Man, I try to do a nice thing, bring Elliot along for some of this thing, and he’s still not happy.
Elliot bounds into the huge bedroom and immediately starts showing us around. “Bathroom through there – two sinks! That’s 0.66 recurring of a sink each!” The fact he doesn’t need to hesitate before telling us that makes me feel deeply inadequate. “Minibar,” he says, pointing to a small cabinet in the main room. “I had a vodka and Coke last night – don’t tell Mum!”
“Elliot, it’ll show up on the bill,” I tell him, but he carries on, oblivious.
“Armchairs and occasional table…”
Pretty obvious, but great. Not entirely my style, slightly too old people’s home for me; they look way too comfortable.
“Windows!”
I smirk at Nate, but he appears to be taking the tour seriously, nodding at everything Elliot’s pointing out.
“The bed!” he says with a flourish.
We all look at it.
It is a big bed.
“So, to save awkwardness,” Elliot says, “are we sleeping in our boxers, or—”
“OK, so, you’re my cousin, Elliot,” I say. “We’re not gonna be naked. This isn’t Alabama.”
“OK, but, I was going to say or jim-jams.” He looks at me with wide eyes and a look on his face of, Really?
“Oh.”
“Jim-jams,” Nate pipes up. “Or loungewear, as Jack would call it.”
I nod.
“Cool, and again, to save any awkwardness, just to also say that first thing in the morning, I usually have a—”
I put my hand up. “Elliot, it’s cool, I know, it’s a guy thing, we probably all will have. But we don’t need to talk about it.”
He blinks at me. “A little sing and a dance to Britney, it’s my wake-up morning routine,” he says in a small voice.
I nod again. “Ah.”
Nate snorts, then jumps on the bed, landing on the far right side. “I’ll take this end,” he says.
I wonder where Nate would prefer me. He seems off, so I reckon safest bet would be the other side, with Elliot in the middle. Plus, if Nate likes Elliot he’ll probably want to be next to him anyway…
“You OK in the middle, Elliot?”
Elliot grins. “I’ll put my loungewear on in the bathroom.” And he nips off.
I turn to Nate. “All right?”
“Yeah. You?”
“Yeah.”
His eyes flick away and then flick back to me again. “Have fun tonight?” he asks.
There’s a pointedness in his tone. It puts me slightly on edge. “It was OK.”
He nods. “I popped out to come and find you – I think you were with some guy.”
Ohhhhh my god. Awkward.
“Fast work,” Nate mutters.
“Just checking I’ve still got it,” I quip.
Nate rolls his eyes. “Not a competition, but OK.”
“Who said anything about a competition?”
“Just feels like you’re out to prove something,” Nate says.
“Excuse me? What?”
He shrugs. “Maybe I’m wrong.”
“Yeah. You are.” I stare at him.
He looks away. “OK. Sorry.”
I stare at him. What the actual hell?
Elliot reappears, in black shorts and a grey marl T-shirt with the NASA logo. “Wow,” I say. “You really like space, huh?”
“Space is infinite,” Elliot says. “Don’t you ever look up there at night and think, wow?”
I really hope this isn’t the sort of late-night chatter we’re going to be having. I am way too sober if it is.
Nate and I change too and we hop into the bed, and so there the three of us are, like some wholesome fairy tale, all tucked up, in our pyjamas. I have a quick check on Insta. The post from the talent show is doing well – plenty of likes, and lots of comments, mainly asking who it was we saw. Ignoring them will heighten the mystery. I know how to play the game and there’s more power in what’s left unsaid.
Then I make the mistake of scrolling and seeing Dylan’s pic – him and Tariq cuddled up together, also in some hotel bed. You’ve stolen my heart and made me the happiest boy alive, says the caption. They. Look. So. Content. And. In. Love. And all of a sudden, the snog with Connor feels cheap and pointless, and being in this stupid bed with Elliot and Nate feels ridiculous. Dylan’s out there living his life, and I’m here just pretending.
It’s two a.m. and we’re getting no sleep, thanks to one hyperactive little ball of energy in the middle of the bed.
“So, so, so, but was there a moment when you realized you were gay,
