We laid out my groundsheet and Fash’s blanket. Compared to elsewhere in the woods, the ground was weirdly soft. It was because of the stream, I suppose, and seeing as it was going to be our bed for the night, I guess I should have been glad. But the ground being so spongy felt wrong somehow. Sort of … rotten. Like touching a piece of gone-off fruit.
Nobody spoke much after that. We were all exhausted, and not just from the day we’d spent searching. It was everything catching up with us, the sleepless nights since Sadie had gone missing. If you’d asked me before we got there, I would have pretty much guaranteed we’d have sat up talking all night. The way we would have when we were younger. But Luke just rolled on to his side, so that his back was towards the rest of us. Fash started snoring almost the second his head hit the ground, and soon enough even Abi fell asleep. Her phone screen went dark, anyway, which was as much of a sign with Abi as you really needed. She was sharing Fash’s blanket, whereas Luke was off lying on his own. I ended up being next to Mason, slightly apart from the others.
We lay in silence for a bit, but I could tell Mason was still awake.
‘Mase?’ I said, keeping my voice down. ‘Do you really think …’
I paused.
‘Think what?’ he said.
‘Just, that Sadie’s … that there’s a chance we’ll find her?’
‘That’s why we’re out here,’ he answered. ‘Isn’t it?’
I wriggled uncomfortably. There was something weird about his tone of voice. It was sort of … bitter. Cold. ‘Sure,’ I said. ‘I guess.’
For a moment there was just the sound of the others breathing.
‘I never believed what people were saying, you know,’ I said eventually, because I figured maybe that was why he sounded pissed off, and also because I’d been wanting to say it for a while. ‘Not even for a minute.’
‘What part of what people were saying?’
I was lying on my back, staring up at the canopy, which looked like cracks in the dark-blue sky. I glanced towards Mason, and realised he was looking right at me.
‘Just … that you had anything to do with it,’ I said. ‘With whatever happened to Sadie.’ And I meant what I said, at the time.
‘Yeah?’ said Mason. He didn’t sound convinced.
‘Yeah,’ I told him. ‘And none of the others did either. Not really. Not even Luke.’
Mason didn’t respond.
‘Do you …’ I turned slightly away. ‘Do you miss her?’ I asked him.
It was stupid, really. I’d only carried on talking because I wanted to hear someone’s voice, and because I was worried about everyone else falling asleep before me. And I don’t know what I expected Mason to say. Not what he came back with, anyway.
‘Do you?’ he said. Although maybe it wasn’t what he said, more the way he said it. Sort of accusing, you know? Which, looking back, should have been, like, a clue or something. My first hint about what he was really up to.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I said.
‘I was just asking,’ said Mason. ‘That’s all. The same way you asked me.’
‘Yeah, but …’
‘But what?’
I paused again. ‘Of course I miss her,’ I told him. ‘How could I not?’
Mason didn’t say anything, and I was beginning to wish I hadn’t started the conversation in the first place.
‘I wouldn’t have wished this, you know,’ I said. ‘If that’s what you’re thinking.’
I turned towards him. He was still looking at me, watching me, and I didn’t like the expression in his eyes.
‘Mase? Truly. I wouldn’t have.’
Now he was the one to turn away.
‘Anyway,’ I said. ‘Don’t you think …’
‘Think what?’
‘That Sadie had changed,’ I said, because I’d been dying to say that, too. ‘Just lately, I mean. Over the summer in particular. Since that night on the beach.’
I meant that night I was talking about earlier, with the wine, in the sand dunes, when Mason and Sadie had ended up having an argument, and Mason had stormed off in a strop.
‘Changed?’ said Mason, and I could tell he was suddenly all ears. ‘Like how?’
‘Just … I don’t know. She didn’t seem different to you?’
‘No, she didn’t seem different. She was just Sadie. Just the same Sadie she’s always been. As beautiful, as kind, as funny …’
His voice kind of trailed off, and I could hear how much he loved her.
‘Yeah, well,’ I said, knowing I should shut the hell up. ‘Maybe you didn’t know her as well as you think you did.’
I rolled away, and I could feel Mason watching me again. I kept waiting for him to say something, to ask me what I’d meant. But instead he just stayed quiet.
I don’t know how much time passed after that. I’m pretty sure I heard Mason get up, but I refused to turn and look. Instead I just lay there listening, because the woods had suddenly come alive. There were all sorts of noises in the undergrowth. Up in the trees, too. Owls and stuff. Bats. All the other things that only come out at night. I wouldn’t have minded so much if Abi had been awake, because I knew she would have been more afraid than I was. As it was, it was just me and my imagination, and I was convinced I’d be lying there the entire night.
I wasn’t, of course. I fell asleep soon after. I remember thinking about Sadie, and that stream, and thinking the sound of it was like the sound of Sadie’s voice. But then I guess I drifted off. At one point I woke and thought I saw a figure watching us from the tree line, but when I rubbed my eyes and
