I set down my phone and sipped the last of my coffee. It was good – bitter and strong. That’s what I surely was becoming. I opened my biscuit and bit half off. It felt wonderful to know I had a place booked. I knew it mightn’t be so straightforward. Relief charged through me, albeit a temporary pulse.
Right, time to cross off the next item.
The blazing sunshine outside dazzled me and I searched out my new pair of sunnies. There was a pleasant amount of background noise of chatter, laughing, some traffic. It just sounded – normal. I ambled along, heading towards a more central quarter. There was a very small area off to one side with benches beside some kind of white monument of a regal looking man and his dog. Across the road were a few cafés and a bus top. It was all relatively quiet. Nobody was in the little area with the benches, so I eased down my aching bag of bones and rolled a cigarette. I had bought a new packet of tobacco too. I didn’t particularly like bumming dead men’s smokes.
Jesus, dead men.
It only felt real on one level.
Get on with it.
Nervousness ran through me as I hunted my phone out from my new and now well stocked handbag. I felt close to manic, ready to unburden and wanting it, but unsure of what someone outside all of this might have to say. My stomach bubbled. I stubbed out my smoke and set it carefully beside me on the bench.
Okay, let’s do this.
“Hello… Vicky?”
He had answered quickly, I kind of hoped he wouldn’t answer at all.
The cigarette butt rolled through the middle of the bench, “Mike… hi.”
My brow was perspiring. The plastic of my glasses felt scratchy on my head.
“Vicky – what’s the craic? You having a good time?”
“Well, I wanted to speak to you about… em... a few things.”
“I can’t hear you so well Vick, can you speak up a bit? I sent you a few texts, but ya maybe didn’t get them. You still there?”
“…Yeah, I’m here,” I said, raising my voice a notch.
I looked around, there was still nobody too close.
“Good stuff, I can hear you better now. Hey, funny thing happened with Big Davy the other day – wait’ll you hear…”
“Listen Mike, I really need to talk to you.”
“Oh right,” he said, his voice stiffening.
I took a breath, then told him about bumping into Richard and Ivan initially. He sounded concerned already, saying, “Jesus, that’s mad Vicky.”
When I got to the part about what Ivan did to me and what happened to him, I had to light a smoke up first. Then I just told him it all – as calmly and as factually as I could. He stayed quiet, only his breathing louder.
“It’s okay Vicky,” he said soothingly, “take your time, it’ll all be alright, we’ll sort it all out.”
It felt so good to hear his voice. It helped that he was saying all the right things too. I licked my lips.
“Thanks Mike… I’ve really missed you.”
“Jesus Vicky, I’m so sorry. Are you alright?”
I began to weep. Uncontrollably.
“Mike…” was all I could manage and I stifled a wail. I turned into the bench sobbing hard.
“Aww Vick, I’m so sorry love. I’m sorry – please don’t cry… Vicky…are you okay?”
I couldn’t answer. I just cradled the phone against my cheek, trying to suck any comfort from it.
“Vicky, I’m gonna book a flight, I’m come over to you…”
“No, no,” I managed to whisper urgently. I pulled myself together, “Listen, I’m coming home… tonight. But… there’s more.”
“More? Jesus, really?” he said, trying to break the tension with a laugh, “There’s more?” he added, putting on a thick ‘culchie’ accent, “Who do you think you are – fuckin’ Jimmy Cricket?”
It raised a smile. I sniffed, checking round again. Nobody was near, no one had seen. I folded myself out again and sat, hunched over.
Okay, might as well tell him the rest.
I told him. I told him it all, well abridged I supposed. There was a lot after all. I didn’t miss anything major out – I just kind of launched it all at him.
There was silence when I was finished. He was still breathing heavily and there were a few sniffs too. Then,
“Fuck me, I’m so sorry Vicky. I’m just so, so sorry.”
He sounded really upset, it nearly started me off again. I had never heard him like that. There was a mix of shock, care and anger all rolled into that short sentence. I was glad I had told someone. I was glad it had been him.
41
I walked on, sunglasses back on, to hide the redness and puffiness. There was blackness underneath them too. I’d sleep when I’m dead. Isn’t that what people say? We had talked for a while longer. Mike had been just lovely. He gave me exactly what I needed and managed not to appear totally overwhelmed by it all. We had arranged that he would pick me up from the airport and I would stay at his place. He insisted and I agreed. He said we would take things from there, together. I was grateful. There was no one I felt drawn to more.
“Yes, a lighter please… thanks.”
I had stopped at a little vendor’s, down at the edge of a market area. The lighter was neon yellow and was inscribed with the words I love Lanzarote. I couldn’t endorse that statement, though I really hadn’t been able to give the place a fair chance. There would be no way for me to be
