I wrinkled my nose and Mike gave a sleepy wink. I pulled myself up somewhere near upright, still leaning against the cushions and the end of the sofa. My ears then pricked up to the sound on the stereo. There was still music on quietly – it sounded like some seventies rock of some description.
“What’s this, Floyd?”
“Nope, having a wee break from The Floyd at the mo. It’s Jethro Tull.”
I tisked. “Mike, you really have some weird bloody taste in music.”
He shrugged, leaning back and taking another draw. It’s true, his taste was a weird mix. He did like some good stuff though. He just refused point blank to listen to any of my jazz. A new song had just begun with muffled piano and acoustic guitar. Then singing.
When I was young and they packed me off to school
And taught me how not to play the game
I didn't mind if they groomed me for success
Or if they said that I was just a fool
So I left there in the morning
With their God tucked underneath my arm
Their half-assed smiles and the book of rules
And I asked this God a question
And by way of firm reply
He said "I'm not the kind you have to wind up on Sundays"
‘God?’ I hadn’t thought about Him much for a long while. Not even really when I was very nearly dead. Yeah – and where the fuck was God then?
I propped myself up. We were quiet and listened to the track. It was nice that we weren’t awkward when there were silences in each other’s company.
“Mike, can I go lie down on your bed?
“Yeah, sure… of course Vick,” he said, stubbing out the smoke.
“Would you, I mean – would you come with me – you know, I don’t mean…”
“Of course I will.”
45
Warm, comfortable (kind of aside from my injuries) and safe. I had another great doze. It felt friggin’ awesome. Mike held me and it was nice. I didn’t think any further than that that. I needed him, we needed each other. I sat up, rubbing my eyes and switched on the lamp. We were both still fully clothed. I didn’t know what I felt about him. Well that’s not true, I was grateful – for what he had done and for looking after me. But I didn’t know how I felt beyond that. I knew it certainly wasn’t the time to think too much about it.
“You okay?” he said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.
“Yep,” I said. “Thanks Mike,” I added, turning to him and giving his hand a squeeze.
“Do you need anything?”
“Yeah, I think I’m ready to talk properly about some of this shit that’s happened.”
“Okay, great,” he said, sitting up against the pillow, giving me an encouraging smile. He turned to his bedside table and started to make a rolly.
“You smoke in here?” I asked.
“Yeah, you want one?”
“Hell, yeah.”
We started chatting and then the seal was broken. I guess I hardly shut my mouth. It all came out. A few tears seeped out, but I wasn’t really too upset. I just needed to talk it out.
“I mean, how the hell do things happen? It’s all madness.”
“I know, that’s true Vick, we couldn’t have known”, he said, grimacing as he lit his rolly. “It’s no one’s fault. Well, no, that’s not right – it’s a lot of fuckin’ people’s fault – but not yours.”
“Yeah, but none of it would’ve have happened if, you know…”
“Aye, but Vick – none of this was deserved, I mean, talk about proportion for fucksake. There was no call for anything like that. They tried to murder you!”
“Alright, alright,” I said, waving my arms dramatically.
“Anyway, my point is, I’m never doing any of that shit again. I mean it -seriously.”
“Well listen, you don’t have to decide anything…”
“No, I’m serious, I’m done.”
“Okay,” Mike said simply. He said it softly too and with a soft smile. I appreciated it.
“Thanks.”
You’re kinder to me than I deserve.
“I just want you to be okay.”
“I know.”
“I’d love to get my hands on him Vick,” he said suddenly, standing and looking out of the window. “I’d really fucking love to.”
“I know Mike, I know. But we can’t. I mean, I don’t want to like… hurt him as such.”
He turned, “Even after what he’s done to you?”
“Not really.”
He shrugged.
“Listen Mike, you know I had no choice about what happened? I never wanted to hurt anyone.”
My voice sounded quiet, urgent. I smiled anxiously.
“Of course Vicky, shit,” he responded quickly, crossing the room to me, “C’mon Vick, of course – Jesus.”
He wrapped his arms around me and I shrank into him, stifling a cry.
“You’ve done brilliant, Vicky, you’ve done everything you had to.”
Then he held me out from him, smiling with what looked like pride. “You’ve actually been amazing – I mean – how you got through all of that – seriously Vicky.”
I held his gaze for a moment.
“Thanks Mike.”
We hugged.
“… now here, are you gonna show me what you got outta that locker or what?”
“Fuck me,” I said, suppressing a shocked laugh. We were both sitting on the bed cross legged, sharing another joint and pawing through what Mike had found. The messiness of the room was more clearly illuminated by the second lamp. Clothes lay on the floor and the bin overflowed in the corner. It wasn’t particularly bad and I was no domestic goddess. This was Mike’s personal space – somewhere that he didn’t have to pick up after himself if he didn’t want to. But the room was cosy, safe. There were a few band posters on the walls, they were tasteful enough, not quite ‘angsty teenager’ style. The room was nice and toasty too. I pulled off my cardigan, keeping my eyes on the document I had in front of me. I shook my head in disbelief.
“I know – I only had time for a quick flick before I collected you, but like – there’s a shed load
