For the rest of the night, Aria wrangled with the part of herself that wanted to hope. She could hear her inner voice make a hundred and one excuses for why it wouldn’t work between them. She suffocated that excitement beneath a blanket of pessimism until the wrestling match she had been playing with herself was put to rest by Aston running up to her through the dark.
“Where’s my mommy?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Why don’t we go look for her?” Aria said, taking his hand to lead him toward the purple van.
Aria cupped her hands to look inside. The van was cluttered, but empty of life. So she led Aston over to Mike’s tent. But it too was deserted. “When did you see her last? Did she say anything to you about where you’re supposed to be?” Aria asked, kneeling down to face him at eye level.
Aston’s usual bullish demeanor had been reduced to the suddenly fragile mien of a child that had found himself abandoned. “Mommy put me to sleep in there and told me that when I woke up, I should go to Grampy’s,” he said, pointing first to the van and then to Mike’s vacant tent.
Aria felt the anger rise up inside her in response to her intuition about what was really going on. It was an all-too-predictable pattern. She didn’t care if it was knowing neglect or miscommunication on Ciarra’s part; it was damaging either way. Before confirming her suspicion that Aston had been left at the lot completely unattended, she walked with him, scanning the other encampments for any sight of either Ciarra or Mike.
When their search turned up nothing, she brought Aston back to the Land Cruiser and did her best to distract him. It was a method she had learned from the many social workers she had seen working with young children at the group homes. She pulled one of the juice packets that Omkar had left for her from her backpack and watched him sip it in between his running commentary about cars. When Aston finished, she tried to wind his energy down by singing to him like she used to do to her younger siblings sometimes at the Johnsons’.
“Hush little baby, don’t say a word, Mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird won’t sing, Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring. And if that diamond ring turns to brass, Mama’s gonna buy you a looking-glass. And if that looking-glass gets broke, Mama’s gonna buy you a billy goat. And if that billy goat won’t pull, Mama’s gonna buy you a cart and bull. And if that cart and bull turn over, Mama’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover. And if that dog named Rover won’t bark, Mama’s gonna buy you a horse and cart. And if that horse and cart fall down, you’ll still be the sweetest little baby in town!”
Aston began to quiet under the soft stroking of her fingertips against his arm. “Again,” he begged when she had finished and she repeated the song again.
Rhythmic breathing eventually governed his little body. His innocence was painted in the dirt stains on his face. When Taylor came back for the night, Aria shushed him as he opened the door and explained what had happened in a whisper just quiet enough not to wake Aston up.
Before she fell asleep, she avoided the inclination to think about Omkar by staring down at Aston as he slept against her. Aria unexpectedly began to miss her younger siblings. She wondered what story they had been told or had told themselves about her disappearance. Aria felt more guilty for running out on them without explaining herself than she felt for anything. Her body remembered the weight of them leaning up against her, like Aston was doing now.
She took Aston’s limp hand in hers and thought to herself, “In this hand is the power to open or to close. And every moment is a crossroads. I hope he decides to open this hand instead of close it.” Aria could see how the bankruptcy of compassion that had plagued Aston’s life might make him choose to be hard and closed off to love and to life. After all, she was tempted to close off to it herself some days. But meeting Omkar had made her glad that she couldn’t find it in herself to do it.
Looking down at the baby fat still ornamenting Aston’s face, she wished that same failure upon him. Despite her youth, she had already found there to be more strength in softness after all.
CHAPTER 23
Cars flowed down the highway. The tall palm trees bordering the roads were coddled by the wind. Aria and Omkar were headed for the ocean. Omkar was trying his best to focus on his surroundings and the navigation system on his phone, which was in the habit of barking directions a second too late for him to follow them. It was difficult to focus through the elation of having Aria next to him.
Aria was reserved because she was embarrassed. The truth was that she had never seen the ocean. The closest she had ever come was visiting Lake Michigan as a child. And since coming to LA, she had been so forced to focus on survival day to day, on foot, that she had not had any opportunity to travel west to see the ocean. Of course, she had not admitted it to Omkar because it made her feel classless.
“Are you too cold?” Omkar asked, his hand on the dial of the air conditioner, ready to make an adjustment.
“Nah, I’m OK,” Aria said, growing uncomfortable with the quiet between them. “Wanna play a game?”
“Yeah – I mean, yes, what kind of game?” Omkar asked.
“OK, it’s a fun game that I used to love to play when I was at school, except I used to be the one guessing for other people. Basically, I’d sit in my desk and
