My heart breaks for her as I see the carefully constructed facade she built crumble right in front of me.
I place my drink on the table next to the couch and grab her hand. “What’s going on? What’s so bad?”
“My mar-marriage.” She chokes on the word and I know this is the first time she’s given a voice to what she’s been feeling. “I don’t think we’re going to make it. I don’t even know who Justin is anymore and I’m pretty sure he hates me.”
I’d like to say that loyalty is one of my best qualities. And even though I’ve only known Vonnie for a short period of time, we’re on a nickname basis and she’s my new bestie. But even if she wasn’t, I still couldn’t ignore the fact that she’s a total badass who cares hard and deep for everyone around her, is funny, smart, and an amazing mom to three wild—but polite and wonderful—boys. How anyone could hate her, let alone her own freaking husband, makes my blood boil. But my anger won’t help her.
“I’m sure that’s not true.” I squeeze her hand a little tighter. “I’m not sure if you know this or not, but you are pretty freaking phenomenal. I don’t think anyone who knows you could hate you.”
“Then maybe I hate myself?” She pulls her hand out of mine and runs it through her long, bone-straight hair. “I let myself become this woman I said I’d never become. Justin and I got married in college. It was a small wedding, we had fake flowers because they were all we could afford. He was still playing football and working on his undergrad. I was in law school. His major was childhood education. He wanted to be a teacher if he didn’t make it to the League. I knew I would carry the financial burden and I was fine with that . . . he was fine with that.”
I lean back on the couch, listening as she surrenders to everything she’s been battling.
“Obviously he wanted to play in the League, but we’re both smart. Justin was good, but he wasn’t a standout in college and we both knew how quickly an injury could change everything. So when he was invited to the combine, we were pleasantly surprised. When he was drafted, we were ecstatic. He’d be able to live out his dream of being a football player and I’d live out mine as a lawyer. We figured he’d play for three, maybe five years, you know? The average career. What I didn’t realize was the career I worked so hard for would become irrelevant.”
The laugh that comes out of her mouth is the saddest sound I’ve ever heard. It’s as if she put all of her hurt and regret into that one sound. I want to pull her into my arms and hug her, but she stands up before I get the chance. She paces in front of me, her high-heeled boots clicking against the wood-looking tile floors.
“I always wanted kids. Always. I know a lot of women feel pressured into having them, but not me. I couldn’t wait. So when I got pregnant with Jagger, and Justin got his first big contract, it made sense that I would stay home. Then Jax and Jett came and I couldn’t rationalize putting them all in daycare when they could be home with me. The thing is, as much as I’d always wanted to be a mom, I hate being a stay-at-home mom. But I can’t say that. What kind of ungrateful, terrible mom can have as much money as we do and still complain about the fucking privilege to be home with my kids and watch them grow? How could I? And when I mentioned wanting to maybe get back into work to Justin, he basically reiterated what I was already afraid people would think. That I should be happy not having to work and he didn’t want his boys gone when they could be with family.”
“That doesn’t make you a bad mom, Vonnie.” I’d been trying to stay quiet, but when I see the pain and self-loathing in her grimace, I can’t keep my mouth shut any longer. “You aren’t just a mom, having kids doesn’t mean you have to give up every single piece of yourself. Wanting to have the career you worked so hard for isn’t something you should feel guilty about.”
I don’t know if I want to have kids. It’s never been a goal of mine. I thought maybe I was broken and didn’t have any maternal instincts because my mom died when I was so young. But as I got older, I realized part of it was because the way society acts like child-rearing is the only purpose of women pissed me right off. And, growing up being raised by a single dad, I need a partner willing—and wanting—to do just as much work as the mom, which is hard to find.
“Thank you!” She spins on her heels to face me. Her tearstained cheeks are filled with color, but somehow, her eyeliner and mascara are still perfectly in place. “Just because I took his last name when we got married doesn’t mean I’m not still the same person I was before we met. Being married and a mom doesn’t take that away. But after so long at home, my résumé didn’t look as impressive and my independence had turned to dependence. I did the blogger thing for a while, but the Internet is scary and I wasn’t comfortable with it anymore. So I knew I had to wait. Once the kids were all in school, it would be my time, right? Motherhood is a series of seasons, and for this season, I could suck it up and be the best stay-at-home mom possible.”
I glance out the window at the Lamar boys, who are completely oblivious to the meltdown their poor mom is having. I may not be an
