Lauren glided up to him, making very little sound in her bare feet. She moved in slowly, making sure he knew she was there before taking his beefy arm with hers. She latched onto him, and the two leaned into each other and swayed, Lee’s husky form seeming to visually devour Lauren’s petite frame. They stood there, bound together, if for no other reason than to hold each other upright.
In time, Lee broke the silence. “Everyone was asking about you, wondering where you’ve been.”
Lauren’s only response was to squeeze his arm.
“I don’t remember seeing you wear a dress before. It’s nice.”
“Don’t get used to it.” Lauren sniffled and brushed her bangs away. “It’s the only one I have.”
Lee glanced downward. “Didn’t have any shoes that matched?”
“I…left them in the woods.”
“Oh.” Lee almost grinned. “Is that where you’ve been hiding?”
“I haven’t been hiding, I just haven’t been around. I haven’t wanted to be around.”
Lee nodded. “I don’t blame you; me neither. But I’m glad you decided to show up today.”
Lauren didn’t say anything.
“You didn’t miss much. Some crying and a few nice words, then some more crying.” A pause. “Your dad said some nice things. It couldn’t’ve been easy for him, not remembering a lot. I think Michelle helped him. But he did good. What he said made a lot of us cry.”
“He’s always been good at that,” Lauren said.
Lee wavered a moment. “Did you want me to leave or give you some space? So you can have some time with him?”
“No.” Lauren sniffled. “I want you to stay right here. I’m not sure I deserve time alone with him.”
“Lauren…”
“I mean it, Lee. The way I’ve been to him…the way I treated him…it wasn’t fair. I was…horrible to him.” She choked up a bit. “And I never got the chance to make it right…I told him I was sorry, and he never forgave me.”
Lee hesitated to speak. “You weren’t horrible to him. You weren’t perfect, either. But neither was he.”
“So you agree, then.”
“No. I’m not agreeing or disagreeing. It’s not my place to judge either of you,” Lee exhaled. “John loved you because of who you are and who you were to him. How you treated each other was between the two of you and none of my business.”
A moment of silence followed while Lauren considered her next question. It broke her heart to think the words, even more to utter them. “Lee, do you think…” She trailed off. “The things I did…what I did to him…did it somehow have a hand in what happened? Did I…put him here somehow?”
“What?” Lee prompted, his tone bitter. “What did you say?”
Lauren shuddered. “Did me becoming who I am…disappearing like I did…did it drive him to this?”
Lee jerked away from her, burning red animosity flooding his cheeks. “Don’t do that! Don’t you dare do that, Lauren! For fuck’s sake, I just buried my family today! My brother and my father! The only family I had! I don’t have anyone left now, okay? No one! Damn you to hell! This day is theirs! It belongs to them! And you don’t get to take that away from them, do you hear me? You are not taking this day from them!” He backstepped and took a long moment to himself, inhaling and letting out deep breaths to reach a level of calm. “And no, this wasn’t you. You’re not the reason John is gone. You didn’t bury him, Dad, or any of these people. Some lunatic asshole did that. A sick son of a bitch who hates us, wants us dead, and plays four-dimensional chess with the world because he hasn’t found any other way to win.”
Lauren nodded accord, turned and inched her way back to him. She reached for his arm, waited for him to offer it, then clutched him to keep afloat of the passions drowning her. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Lee.”
“Me too,” Lee uttered. “I’m sorry for yelling at you, but dammit, Lauren, John loved you, and that’s as real as it gets. You were the only thing, the only person who mattered to him. He lived every day for you. He didn’t die because of you; if anything, you gave him something to live for. You were his reason for living. He used to say all the time how he would’ve done anything to protect you and die for you if he had to. But you didn’t put him in this grave. So please, don’t think that and don’t ask that question. Not today. Not ever.”
Lauren rolled her lips between her teeth and pulled even closer to him, the worst misery she had ever felt evident in her wilting posture. “You’re right. I was out of line. It was stupid of me to ask.”
Lee whimpered and embraced her. “I’m not mad at you. Just…sad; so sad that I’m angry. I know you lost someone too, and I know you’re hurting, but I lost everything the other day. And I hate this whole…piece-of-shit world for it.”
“That makes two of us.” She squeezed him. “And you didn’t lose everything.”
“Thanks, but from where I’m standing, it sure feels like it,” Lee groaned. “It goes without saying how much John loved you, but Dad did too. All of us did. You’ve always been like the sister I never had, and Dad thought of you like a daughter. Back when we were kids, we were always together, you know? Grace, too, when she started coming around. Dad was always hanging out with your parents…remember all those cookouts and parties? Throwing football in the yard, fishing, camping…” He trailed off. “We were like one big family. But we’re all older now, and after this…without Dad and John, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I mean, what’s going to happen to me? My family is gone.” Lee’s lips trembled. “I hate
