Relief ran through my body so fast it felt like I’d fallen into a cold winter ocean, then into something hot. Momma right here. Right in front of me. Holding on to my arms. Talking crazy but here.
“Oh thank goodness. I looked for you all day,” I said. “Looked for you all over the Winn-Dixie.”
Momma’s hands loosened some. “Too much,” she said. “Too many people for her. I took her away.”
Momma talking like a man. Like Granddaddy?
“Momma?”
“I told her,” Momma said. “Hanging’s not a bad way to go. You kick some. Try to get free. Try to breathe. But being dead leaves everyone else with the trouble.”
“Momma?” I leaned next to her. She smelled sour. Bad. Still I came close, putting my face near to hers. “It’s me, Lacey.”
“I see you, baby,” Momma said. Her voice soft and normal. Hers again. Tired. “Granddaddy wants me to go with him. He came to get me. But I said I had to wait for you. So we could all go together.”
Excuse me?
I felt like my heart changed places with my stomach.
Momma put her arms around me, tight. “We waited for you, baby. So you could come along. I didn’t want you to have to do it alone. Didn’t want you to find me.”
“What are you talking about?” I squirmed in Momma’s hold. Loosening her grip a little.
“The hardest day of my life was getting your granddaddy down,” Momma said. Now her voice was sad sounding with her terrible memory. She got a better hold on me. “I didn’t want you to have to do that. Didn’t want you to have to breathe into my mouth. All cold.” Momma tried to get us to her feet, but I sat heavy so she couldn’t pull me up. She kept grabbing under my arms, like you might lift a baby. “Now that you’re here, you and me can go together.”
“Go where?” I said, but Momma didn’t answer. She just kept pulling to get me to my feet.
With a jerk I pushed her away. “What are you telling me?” Underneath my fingers I could feel the itchiness of the carpet.
“We’ll do it in your room. Like Granddaddy did.”
“We’ll do what? What are you saying, Momma?”
“I found him in my closet.”
“I know.”
“Hanging in that closet that’s yours now.”
“I know.”
“We’ll join Granddaddy. It’ll make life so much easier.”
Was Momma saying I should … was Momma saying I should kill myself? That we kill ourselves together? Hang ourselves like my grandfather had so many years ago?
I tried to get to my feet.
“No!” My voice came out loud. Harsher than I meant. “No!”
“Lacey.” The Granddaddy voice was back. “I want you both with me.”
“I’m not doing it!” I scrambled away from Momma, kicking the air and the floor with my feet.
Momma grabbed me again, and this time she had such a grip that I knew a bruise formed under her fingers.
“Ouch. Momma, let me go. You’re hurting me.”
“Get into your room.”
It was like with Granddaddy’s voice came a man’s strength. I couldn’t break away from my mother. So instead, I stood. And walked with Momma without a fight.
“Lookit, Momma,” I said. “I’m not doing what you think Granddaddy told you to do. Whatever it is. I’m not going to do it.”
“This is for the best,” Momma said in that weird voice. “We’ll be together. I’ve missed you both.”
“Momma?” I squirmed a little. We walked into the dark hall, passing the stairs. “I never even knew Granddaddy. He couldn’t miss me. Let me go.”
Across the hall. To my closed door.
“Open it.”
I did.
New air rushed out of the room. Everything felt damp and fresh in here. The moon let in light through both my windows.
“To the closet now.” Momma’s voice was back. She rubbed at my arms with her cool hands, like maybe she wanted to take away the pain that had been there.
“Listen,” I said, turning to face her. “This isn’t what I want to do.” I put my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder. “I don’t want to go away. And I don’t want you to, either.”
“I know. But it has to be, Lacey. I won’t do it without you.” Momma’s voice was smooth and, for the first time in a long time, she sounded determined. “I found him hanging from the rafter in my closet,” she said. “It was just before you were born. I was eight months pregnant with you and so big. I almost couldn’t get him down. I kept screaming for someone to call 911. But Linda was in the backyard. She didn’t hear me at first.”
“Don’t think about that,” I said. I hugged my mother tight. Tried to soothe her away from this memory.
“By the time the police did get here, Granddaddy was too dead to be helped. I kept breathing for him though. And they pulled me away. Took me to the hospital.
“And you were born that day.”
I knew Granddaddy and I shared the same day, but I hadn’t known what happened that afternoon. My voice came out shaky and weak, like an old man walks. “It’s okay. You’re all right now. I’m here,” I whispered in her ear. Pet her face. Smoothed her hair.
“No, I’m not.” Momma sounded weepy. “No, I’m not okay. And I don’t want you to ever feel this way. It’s awful. I hate the way I feel.” She folded in on herself like her feelings hurt her. Then she straightened and pushed me to my closet.
“No, Momma,” I said.
She pulled on the door and I turned to look behind me. A fat flashlight lit the space. There were two nooses in there. My clothes had been pushed aside, some dumped to the floor. Both ropes hung from the rafter of Momma’s old closet. My closet. Mine!
“No,” I screamed. “I’m not doing it.” A flowerlike smell swooshed into my room with the wind. The door slammed shut.
“This is where I found him,” Momma said. “We’ll do it together.” And then
