Hess stood across the area, looking at tree bark with my mother. I glanced up in time to catch his highbrow smile. Hess was on his way over with a determined look of concern in his eyes. My most dreaded conversation was about to take place in perhaps the most beautiful setting I could imagine.
Jason greeted Hess first and then excused himself to help Dredge, who was motioning to him from a nearby tree.
“This is a strange homecoming for me, Doodle bug.” Hess stood between the crowd of well-dressed onlookers and me.
“I can't imagine you were expecting this level of drama. Our grandmother outdid herself this time.”
“Drama, I expected but being related to Ol' Dredge and then having my sister married off at sixteen—now that was the shock.”
“Hess, this is what I want,” I explained quietly.
“You don't know what it means to want. You're still a little girl. You aren't even sixteen yet,” He noted.
“But I'm not a child anymore. Everything changed. Everything is crap and hard to deal with. Everything I want, I can't have.”
“What do you want? Tell me, and I will try to make it happen.” Hess leaned towards me and hushed his words as if he was offering me some forbidden magical gift.
“Like the fairy and the frog. You're going to grant me one fantastic wish?” I asked sarcastically.
“Yes, one big, green, sparkly wish.” Hess smiled.
“Fine then, I want to disappear. I want to stop crying. All the agony needs to go away. There's no peace left anywhere. I want to forget how perfect everything was. I didn't realize it was perfect.”
“Damn it, Kar. I can't conjure those things for you.” Hess looked up at the glass ceiling and took an exaggerated breath. “All that stuff takes time to change. I picture you in that fuzzy, pink zippered thing they dressed you in as a baby. You would grab in the air like you were trying to find some invisible toy. This is hard for me to get used to.” Hess confessed in a low, hushed tone.
“I'm sorry. You expected more from me, but I want this life path. I want a family of my own. I don't want you to be angry with me. I didn't mean to disappoint you.”
“No,” Hess replied, shaking his head from side to side. “You don't disappoint me, that's not worth talking about. I want you to be happy. Not the special events kind of happy but the everyday right out bed first thing in the morning happy.”
“What does that even mean?” I brushed my bangs back into place and straightened my skirt. My neck felt hot. The need to jump to my feet and run out of the building was almost overwhelming.
“I want you to wake up each day and live with a smile on your face. I don't want you waiting to be happy someday when some yearly event comes around. I don't care what you do as long as it makes you smile. I'm sure that rich boy will keep you safe and fed—but can he make you happy?”
“Nobody can make you happy. You need to choose to be happy. Besides, Jason makes me smile even when I shouldn't be smiling. It's inappropriate today, but I am happy beside him.”
“Do you love him? This is an awkward topic for you and me to discuss, but you have to tell me why you love him.”
“I do love him. Honestly, I don't know exactly why. I don't want him to find anyone else, and I miss Jason when he's gone.” I admitted.
“If this boy only means as much to you as a pet, you need to end this Kar. For about a month's pay, I can send you a synth animal of your choice to entertain you,” Hess demanded.
“You don't even try to understand me. Jason's not my pet. He is mine.” I pushed my hand to my chest and stared at my difficult brother.
“I do understand, but until you can give me a solid reason. I don't want you to marry that boy,” Hess crossed his arms over his chest and shifted his weight.
“It's not your choice, Hess. It's mine. Me being a female doesn't change that fact.”
“So, I'm a sexist Neanderthal now, because I don't agree with you,” Hess countered.
“What else could it be? You said yourself he's rich. He has an original colonist name. I must be a water whore. Why else would I want to marry him?”
“You're getting loud and becoming unreasonable.” My tone overshadowed the tranquil decay that hung thick in the air, but no one can upset me more than my brother.
“He loves me. He wants me to marry him. Isn't that enough for you?” I asked.
“No, it's not enough. You want my approval. You tell me why you want to marry this boy, or I won't sign the family documents.” Hess laid out the ultimatum I'm sure he reversed many times.
“I'll wait for the year, then I won't need you to sign anything. I may owe you my life, but I am not your property,” I scowled as quietly as I could manage.
“I didn't say you were my property.” Hess flopped his hand on my shoulder a bit harder than I expected. “I'm saying that you are wrong. I'm saying that you don't realize what you're trading here. You're throwing your entire youth away to marry a rich boy you don't love.”
“Stop saying rich.” I took a deep, silencing breath before I rose to my feet. Hess shot me his disapproving look. I brushed my brother's heavy hand off my shoulder and drifted toward the exit.
We were wandering around the manicured grounds in our most elegant clothing admiring trees fed by the liquescent bodies of our dead rotting under the soil, but somehow my tone was undignified.
I would not give Hess the satisfaction of a public tantrum. A few days ago, I might have thrown chunks of fetid soil at his stupid face and screamed at him openly,
