‘I thought we were doing that in Brighton.’
‘It was too busy – I couldn’t breathe. It was as bad as Whitechapel.’
‘Honestly…’ I stopped and threw my hands in the air. ‘I have no idea what pleases you.’
She turned around, walking backwards, laughing, ‘Come on! Let’s find somewhere to sit down, under a tree, somewhere in the open. I miss having so much space!’
The shouting disturbed the dozing birds and started a ripple of their cries. One after another they shrieked and took to the air, out from under the canopy of the trees.
‘In London you can’t move for people, and Brighton was the same. I’m disappointed. I should like to go back when I’m rich enough to pay for other people not to be there.’
‘Good luck waiting for that day,’ I mumbled and tramped along behind.
We ambled along the uneven track for an age until Aisling found a spot under a tree in an open field. There wasn’t a soul around, just cows grazing. We sat down and leaned on our elbows, squinting at the haze of the sun as the warm air was shaken off the long grass. Aisling let out a sigh and flopped down onto her back with her hands stretched out to either side.
‘Why is it when you get a telling-off it makes you sulk so?’ she said. ‘Like after you got sent out of that lesson. You must have been told off before.’
‘I’ve been told off plenty. But it means a lot more at the hospital. I only want to get it right. I’ve pinned all my hopes on being a nurse, I don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want to be average; I want to be extraordinary. I want to be perfect. To prove it was worth it.’
‘What was worth it?’
‘Oh, you know. The upheaval.’
‘No one is perfect, Susannah. No one. Have you noticed that it’s only women who curse ourselves with such a stupid ambition? You don’t catch men worrying about being perfect. They go about the world making a great hash of things and don’t think much of it. You know what my brother says? “Do what you will, and if no one catches you, it didn’t happen.”’
‘But I did get caught.’
‘You threw a bandage, it’s hardly a crime. I’m only sorry you didn’t throw a brick at Mabel’s face – she’s such a curious combination of tart and self-righteousness. You know what my brother would say?’
‘I don’t, but I’m sure you’re about to tell me,’ I said, lying down beside her, propped up on one elbow.
She slapped me on the arm. ‘Well I won’t bother imparting my dear brother’s wisdom then. He’s a wise man, my brother.’
‘I thought you told me he shot himself in the foot with his own rifle?’
‘He did, but he was drunk. Anyone might do that.’
‘That’s why I don’t drink.’
The sun was shining straight into our eyes. I was relaxed and warm. I could easily have fallen asleep right there. Aisling rolled up onto her elbow so that our faces were now only inches apart. She squinted and picked something out of my hair. I held my breath.
‘You have grass in your hair,’ she said, but didn’t roll away.
I knew she was going to kiss me and I froze. My stomach threw itself in all directions and I didn’t know what to do. I was like a frightened rabbit. Aisling didn’t look away or move. Only her lips came towards mine.
I was saved by a distant rumble coming along the tracks behind us. I leapt to my feet.
‘Come on! It’s our train. We might miss it.’
I picked up my skirts and raced towards the station. Aisling came running behind me.
We spent the train journey home in silence. Aisling sat in her seat, stiff as a board, staring out of the window as if she might cry. I didn’t know what to say to make it right again, because I wasn’t sure what had happened or how to talk about it. We jerked from side to side with the movement of the carriage. Every so often I saw tears welling up in her eyes, but she seemed angry. When we were nearly back at London Bridge, I tried.
‘Are you speaking to me?’
‘Why wouldn’t I be speaking to you?’ she snapped.
‘Have I upset you?’
‘No, of course you haven’t.’ She still wouldn’t look at me.
When the train finally pulled to a stop and we alighted, I had difficulty keeping up, she was striding towards the exit at such a pace.
‘Where are you going, Aisling?’ I had to run to catch her up.
‘For a drink,’ she said.
‘What, on your own? In the daytime?’
‘Yes, in the daytime. Shocking, isn’t it? There I am, being outrageous, doing something simply because I want to do it. I guess I must be mad, or sick.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ I said.
‘You don’t drink, remember?’
‘I don’t think you should be on your own, drinking alcohol. I’ll come with you.’
‘You don’t think I should be on my own?’ Aisling came to an abrupt stop and several people almost barged into the back of her. I cringed, but she didn’t even notice. ‘I’ll be fine. I don’t need you looking down your nose at me.’ Then she stomped off.
What on earth was she talking about? I had never judged Aisling. I hardly considered myself in a position to judge anyone.
I caught her up as she turned out of the exit and followed her down the road. Where we were going, I had no idea.
‘I’m sorry I ran away,’ I said.
She stopped walking again, sending more people almost straight into the back of her. They moved around her, grunting and complaining. I was painfully aware of the inconvenience we were causing, but she didn’t care.
‘What are you sorry for?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know. I was nervous.’
‘Do you think me disgusting?’
‘God, no! If anything, it’s
