“Oh. You think I care that you kissed Ashleigh?” I laughed like that was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard. “Why should I care?”
“Because if you kissed someone, I’d care.”
I snorted. “You don’t want to kiss me but you don’t want anyone else to kiss me.”
“What makes you think I don’t want to kiss you?”
“Do you?”
He shifted as if he was going to move in and kiss me. Which was when the lights came on and the TV blared so loud, I nearly jumped off the sofa. Jude grabbed the remote and lowered the volume and we sat back and watched TV just like nothing had happened. Because nothing had happened. He glanced at me but I kept my gaze focused on the TV. We were watching a movie but I didn’t even know what it was or what it was about.
“You can go now. The storm has passed.”
“Okay,” he said but he stayed right where he was, sitting next to me on the sofa, close enough that I could feel the heat from his skin and smell his boy scent. Close enough that I could hear his inhales and exhales, feel the rise and fall of his chest. Was his heart beating wildly like mine was? Was his pulse racing? I felt like I could barely breathe. Neither of us dragged our eyes away from the screen.
“You told Ashleigh we were just friends. Figured you wouldn’t care what I did with her.”
That was a year ago when I was younger and stupider. “What exactly did you do with her?” Using my middle finger, I chipped away at the indigo blue polish on my thumb.
“I don’t kiss and tell.”
I used my middle finger in a different way. He chuckled under his breath. “Is that for me... or Ashleigh?”
“You.”
It was for the best. Even worse than knowing where his mouth had been was knowing where hers had been. I punched a throw pillow in frustration which made him laugh even harder. I was a source of entertainment for him.
I was sixteen, and I’d never been kissed. It was all Jude’s fault. He’d staked his claim and all the other guys thought I was off-limits.
“He’s the most amazing kisser. Oh my god, he’s so hot,” Ashleigh gushed. Pretty sure she only called me to gloat and rub it in my face.
How amazing could it have been? Not like he had tons of experience. How had he even known what to do? Maybe he’d been hooking up with girls left, right, and center and I just hadn’t known about it. In the past year, he’d gone to a lot of parties that I’d missed.
I’d never be his first kiss now. Not that he even wanted to kiss me. Ugh, I didn’t know.
I didn’t know what Jude and I were to each other anymore. It used to be so simple. He was my neighbor. My best friend, sometimes enemy, but not really. The boy I grew up with. The most annoying boy in the world. Mr. Know-It-All. He was the boy who taught me how to climb a fence and skip rocks and swing from a rope tied to a tree. He was the boy I’d gotten skinned knees with. He was my summertime. My childhood memories.
The boy who knew I was scared of thunderstorms and ran down to my house in the pouring rain to make sure I was okay. If he hadn’t been here, I would have been huddled on the sofa, alone and in the dark.
He pinkie linked with mine and we just sat like that, our eyes glued to the TV screen.
Me and the boy who gave me his favorite hoodie when I got my period, and he hadn’t made fun of me or made me feel like a freak.
When I told my mom the story, she’d smiled and said, “That’s what I call a true love story.”
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“It was an act of chivalry. Not all men are honorable. And I don’t know of many teenage boys who would have handled that situation quite so well. When you fall in love, make sure he’s worthy.”
The front door opened and I looked up as Derek stepped inside the living room, his gaze darting from me to Jude.
“Thanks for keeping Lila company during the storm,” he said, roughing his hand through his dark hair just as if he cared about my safety and well-being which I was pretty sure he didn’t.
“Yeah. Sure. Anytime.” Jude’s jaw was clenched and I knew he was fighting the urge to tell my stepdad what he thought about him not being here. It was nothing new though. He was never here anymore, and that was just fine by me.
But the question that kept nagging me was, What would happen when my mom wasn’t here? I wasn’t Derek’s kid, and my real dad had never been in the picture. I’d never cared because I always had my mom and she was like two parents rolled into one. But now I had no idea what would happen. My mom assured me that Derek would look after me and he had promised he would.
But promises were made to be broken and I’d seen him break too many to rely on his word alone.
Distracted with his own thoughts, Derek said goodbye and wandered into the kitchen, his footsteps heavy. I heard the refrigerator open and then the sound of him flipping the tab on a beer can before the patio door slid open and shut. This was his new nightly ritual. Drinking beer on the back deck until he passed out. Sometimes I’d find him there in the morning.
It was like he’d already checked out. I rarely saw him and when I did, we didn’t talk about anything important. Sometimes he tried to make small talk but it was so awkward that I’d prefer he said nothing at all.
Jude’s
