“Hey J. What’s up?”
J. Ugh. I gritted my teeth and narrowed my eyes on Jude. He chuckled under his breath like this was some kind of joke to him. Jealousy reared its ugly head. In a hurry to get away, I climbed off Jude, accidentally kneeing him in the balls. Oops.
His face contorted and his jaw clenched, trying to ride out the pain I’d inflicted. “The fuck, Rebel?” he wheezed out.
The momentary twinge of guilt I felt was quickly replaced with satisfaction when I remembered who had just strolled into the barn.
Served him right. Pulling the sweatshirt down so it was mid-thigh, I spun around to face Brody and Kylie. Was he sleeping with her now? Brody was laughing so hard he was doubled over. I had no idea what he found so funny.
“Sorry to interrupt,” Kylie said with a smirk that made Brody laugh harder.
Sorry, my ass. The leggy blonde carrying a bottle of vodka was a reminder of what Jude had been doing during our ten-month hiatus. She was wearing a plaid pleated skirt that barely covered her ass with thigh-high black boots over fishnets. Under her black leather jacket, she wore a T-shirt with the name of a band I never heard of.
I hated it that she looked so cool. More sophisticated and worldly than me, even though she’d only been a year ahead of us in school.
Had she and Jude gotten dirty? What had they done together?
Kylie was a freshman in college now, so at least I didn’t have to see her at school. Small victory.
I swallowed my misery. It felt like shards of glass.
Shoulders squared, spine straight, I ignored Jude who was calling my name and breezed past Kylie, shoving Brody out of my way when he tried to stop me from leaving. The scent of weed and alcohol clung to him. And that was when I realized Brody was stoned and drunk off his ass. Just another Friday night in his world. I worried about Brody. But right now, all I could think about was Jude and Kylie. Jude kissing Kylie. Jude… what had they done together?
Hands balled into fists, I trudged toward the house, the faint glow of the porch light guiding my way. My blood boiled, warming me from the inside, so I didn’t even feel the cold.
Why had he slept with her but my virginity was still intact?
It was only when I got halfway across the field that I realized I’d left my leggings in the barn along with my dignity.
It was after midnight when the boy I hated to love climbed into my bedroom window and soundlessly crept across the hardwood floor. The mattress dipped under his weight when he sat on the edge to remove his high tops and then lifted the covers and slid in next to me, tucking his arms under his head. I kept my gaze fixed on the lion and the bull on my bedroom ceiling, the stars glowing bright in my moon-washed bedroom, but watched him from the corner of my eye. He smelled like fresh air, Double Mint, and woodsy scented shower gel. He smelled like home. That’s what he was to me. My home. Tendrils of fear unfurled inside me and snaked their way up. They wrapped around my heart, choking the air in my lungs.
The McCallisters weren’t my family. They were the people who took me in when I had nowhere else to go.
Loving Jude was dangerous. I had so much more to lose than he did. If things didn’t work out between us, could we ever go back to being just friends? Doubtful. If our relationship crashed and burned tomorrow, he would still have a loving home and a family. What would I be left with?
It was nights like these, when my thoughts played on a loop in my head, that I missed my mom the most.
Next to me, Jude shifted so he was closer, so close—the heat of his body warming me as he pried my hand from their tight grip on the comforter tucked under my chin and placed it over his heart, his bigger hand on top of mine to hold it firmly in place. Underneath my palm, I could feel his heart beating in sync with mine.
“It’s only ever been you,” he said, his voice low and husky in the stillness of my quiet bedroom. “Only you, Rebel.”
But how could that be true when he’d been with other girls? For a few minutes, we lay in silence, gazing up at the stars, his heart beating steady under my hand, our chests rising and falling with each breath we inhaled and exhaled. It was Jude’s silence that spoke the loudest. And his actions. He always said that words meant nothing without actions to back them up. He could have left me to stew on this all night long but he hadn’t.
“You should be asleep. You have a big game tomorrow night.”
“I sleep better in your bed. Tell me you want me to stay.”
What I wanted to say was that I never wanted him to leave. Not tonight. Not ever. But I couldn’t say that. “You can stay. If you want.”
That was the only invitation he needed. He rolled onto his side and pulled my body against his, wrapping an arm around my waist. My body fit so perfectly into the curve of his. I cursed him for being so perfect. Not perfect, as in without faults. Just perfect for me. Sometimes I couldn’t believe my luck. I’d found this boy when I was only nine years old and he’d chosen me above all others.
“‘Night, Lila.” He kissed my hair, so gentle and loving like I was something precious to him, and I pushed aside my fears. I didn’t want to keep torturing myself with thoughts of the things he’d done with Kylie that he hadn’t done with me. I didn’t want to think about him with anyone else.
