I squeezed my eyes shut and took a few deep breaths before I pulled back into my spot and climbed out of my truck.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Brody shouted from his open window. “You almost ran her over, you stupid shit.”
My gaze swung to Lila standing next to the open passenger door of Brody’s truck. And God help me, she had that same look on her face as she did the morning she found out her mother had died.
In a few long strides, I was standing right in front of her. “I’m sorry, baby.” I tried to pull her into my arms but she pushed me away and took a step back, putting distance between us. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know...” My voice cracked on the words. “I didn’t know.”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s over now.”
It’s over now.
“Thanks, Brody,” she said, dismissing me. “Sorry about all that. I just...” She shook her head, at a loss for words.
“Don’t apologize. Glad I could be there for you.” He got out of his truck and rounded the hood, forming a circle of three. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked her. “Do you want me to—”
“I’m okay. I don’t need anything. You’ve done more than enough for one night.”
She folded her arms over her chest and rubbed her upper arms. I wanted to wrap her up in mine and keep her warm. She was wearing my old baseball hoodie. I couldn’t believe she’d kept it this long. Turning away from me, she reached into Brody’s truck and came out with a towel. It was one of ours. Forest green. My mom had given them to us. “Thank you for everything,” she told Brody, mustering a smile for him.
“If you need anything, call me.”
I bristled at his words but I was in no position to tell him that she didn’t need him, she needed me. Tonight he’d been there for her when I hadn’t. And I fucking hated myself for that.
She started walking away and I followed, wracking my brain to come up with something I could do that would make her feel better. “Are you hungry? I could—”
“I just need some time alone, Jude.”
“Yeah. Okay.” I nodded because what else could I do? She obviously needed time to process what had just happened and had figured out that I was the last person who could help her do that.
I’d failed her.
I stood on the sidewalk and I watched her walk away from me. I was still watching as the front door of the building closed behind her. Our apartment was on the second floor, and I looked up at the blue Christmas tree lights shining through the sliding glass door. I waited for a light to come on inside but it never did.
“You fucked up,” Brody said, coming to stand next to me as I kept my silent vigil outside the apartment I shared with my fiancée. My fiancée who had been ten weeks pregnant. I’d gone to the doctor’s appointment with her two weeks ago. We’d listened to the heartbeat. I’d seen our baby on the monitor and I’d vowed to be the best father I could be.
Lies. Broken promises.
Who had I become? A man who wasn’t to be trusted. A man who broke his promises and couldn’t be counted on.
“You’re so fucked-up right now, I don’t even know what to say.”
I laughed bitterly. “You think I need you to tell me I’m fucked up? You think I need you to point out the obvious?”
“I don’t know what you need but you can’t keep doing this to yourself and everyone around you. Whatever is going on with you, this shit is eating away at you. You’ve gotta find a way to deal with it.”
That was rich coming from him. “The same way you dealt with your shit? Suddenly you’re Dr. Fucking Phil?”
He just shook his head, disgusted with me. “If you need me, you know where to find me.”
I didn’t need him. I needed Lila. And I needed to find the guy I used to be and get him to talk some sense into this asshole masquerading as Jude McCallister.
Climbing up the stairs to the second floor, my footsteps were as heavy as my heart. When I unlocked the door and pushed it open, the chain prevented me from opening it, therefore denying me access to the apartment and to Lila. Guess that told me everything I needed to know. I could climb onto the balcony and get to her that way, but that door was probably locked too. So I sat outside the apartment, my back leaning against the door and I waited.
I kept thinking about the Christmas presents I’d wrapped and put under the tree last week. I needed to get rid of them before she opened them.
Hours later, the door opened but the chain was still on. I was just grateful that she was willing to give me this much. More than I deserved, that was for damn sure. I scooted over and leaned my shoulder against the wall next to the door so I could talk to her through the crack.
“Jude?”
“I’m here, baby.”
“It hurt. It hurt so much.”
I looked up at the ceiling and rubbed my hand over my chest. I wasn’t sure if she was talking about the physical pain or the emotional. Both, I guess. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry you had to go through that alone. I don’t—” I cut myself off before I made a lame excuse. She didn’t need my pathetic excuses. They wouldn’t change anything. Words were empty without actions to back them up. “Tell me what I can do for you.”
“I don’t know.” She hesitated a moment. “Just talk to me, I guess.”
“You want me to stay out here?” I hoped like hell she’d at least let me come inside and sit next to her. Hold her. Do whatever I could to try and comfort her.
“For
