This was how I’d always imagined our life. Full of joy and laughter and love.
After Noah had begged me to tell him a bedtime story and I’d complied, Lila kicked me out of his bedroom so she could say goodnight and tuck him in. It hadn’t gone unnoticed that she’d put stars on his ceiling, similar to the ones I’d put on her ceiling all those years ago. Noah slept under the constellation Orion, and I took that as a sign that she had been thinking about me. That she still remembered some of the good instead of all the bad and ugly. After her comment in the driveway the other night, I hadn’t been so sure that was the case.
I picked up one of the framed photos on the bookshelves and studied it. Lila was holding Noah in her arms. He must have been a newborn. So tiny. So precious. Wrapped in a white blanket. She was smiling down at her son. Brody was standing next to her hospital bed, his smile aimed at Lila. He was looking at her like she’d put the stars in the sky. And she had. She’d given him a son. And I fucking hated him for it. Hated that he got to share something with her that I never had. Probably never would.
At the sound of her footsteps behind me, I set the photo back on the shelf.
“Do you love him?” I asked, my back turned to her.
She didn’t answer right away. As if she needed to give it some thought rather than gifting me with the automatic no I was praying would come out of her mouth.
Steeling myself to hear the truth, I turned around to face her. “Do you love Brody?” I repeated.
“Not the way I loved you.”
Not the way I loved you. Loved. Past tense. “So you do love him?”
She came to stand in front of me, her gaze drifting to the photo I’d just set back on the shelf. “I love him as a friend. As the father of my son.”
“What happened? How did this happen?” All the hurt and anger I’d harbored since I’d found out she and Brody had a son together, threatened to burst out of the compartment I’d shoved it into. A place I’d refused to visit or acknowledge in the years I’d been away from her. “Why him, Lila?”
She averted her gaze and let out a breath. I wasn’t sure she’d answer. Maybe she didn’t feel like she owed me an explanation but fuck it, I deserved that much.
“Would you prefer I’d hooked up with some random stranger? Brody was there for me. He was my friend through it all. And the night… it was just one night. One drunken night.”
“It was only one night?” Only one night and the stars had aligned. She’d gotten pregnant and she’d delivered a healthy son.
She nodded. “We were so drunk, I barely remember that night.”
That son of a bitch. “You were drunk and he took advantage of you?” My voice shook with anger.
“No. It wasn’t like that. He would never... God. Jude. Brody is a good guy.”
Debatable.
“It was one year after you left and I was...” She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. You were gone and you weren’t coming back. Brody didn’t do it on purpose like you seem to think he did. The last thing he wanted was a baby. He was always on the road and he wasn’t looking to get tied down. But accidents happen. And no matter what you think about him, he’s a good dad. He loves Noah and he’d do anything in the world for him.”
I rubbed my chest, trying to ease the pain her words caused.
“I’m sorry, Jude. I know this is hard for you to accept. But I love Noah, and I can’t call him a mistake. He’s the best thing in my life. He’s the most important person in my life.” She held my gaze, wanting to make sure the words hit home. She might as well bludgeon me with them for all the times she’d already hit me over the head with them.
“I get that. I’d expect nothing less. I always knew you’d be a good mom.”
She averted her gaze so I couldn’t see the effect my words had on her. Lila was strong and knew how to be tough when she needed to be. She’d suffered a lot of loss in her life and that changed people. Hardened them. But underneath the tough exterior, she was still vulnerable.
I wanted to stay. I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her. I wanted to do a lot of things but she showed me to the door.
“You need to go.” Her voice was firm and I knew this wasn’t the time to push my luck.
“I want to see you again. Soon.” Like tomorrow. And the day after that. And every day that followed.
She shook her head. “This is so like you. You turn up here after six years of radio silence and you expect everything to go your way. We’re not the same people anymore. You destroyed us, Jude. You broke every single promise you ever made. And I have no idea how to forgive you for that.”
I had no idea how to forgive myself either, and I sure as hell had no intention of forgiving Brody. I don’t care what she said. He took advantage of the situation, of her vulnerable state. There was such a thing as being a good friend, and being there for someone without having to fuck them. But Lila and I had to start somewhere and this was as good a place as any. “We can rebuild. We can start where we are. Right here. Right now. And we can find our way back to each other.”
“It’s too late,” she said, but her voice lacked conviction and that gave me all the hope I needed that we could turn this around.
It
