I set down my drink and watched the sunset over the hills and acres and acres of sprawling trees from our table on the deck. The restaurant was modern rustic with soaring ceilings, timber walls, and floor to ceiling windows that opened onto the deck. Romantic. Upscale but relaxed. Not at all where I’d expected to end up for our date tonight.
“Does it remind you of anything?” Jude asked, foregoing the glass and drinking his IPA from the bottle.
I’d never been to this restaurant, so it shouldn’t remind me of anything, but it did. It was almost exactly what we used to talk about when we were planning our dream house. Rustic. Modern. Timber and stone. Our own treehouse, we used to say, back when we had so many hopes and dreams. We were just kids, but so in love that anything felt possible.
“It reminds me of the house you were going to build for us.” I sat back as the waiter delivered our food and after we thanked him and he was gone, I picked up the conversation again. “Is that why you chose it?”
“I just lucked out.”
Knowing Jude, there had been more than luck involved in his decision. I took a bite of my Gulf Shrimp and Grits. Delicious food. Perfect spot. Jude hadn’t left anything to chance. And I had no idea why that bothered me when it should have made me happy.
While we ate our dinner, we made small talk. And everything was just perfect. It really was. But only because we weren’t talking about anything important.
“You look beautiful, Lila.”
“You don’t look too shabby yourself. You clean up nice.”
He looked down at the shirt he was wearing. “I bought it at the mall.” He laughed a little.
“I can’t believe you went to the mall. Were you okay?” I asked, remembering how hard it was for him to go to crowded places.
“I was fine.”
“I had my own wardrobe crisis until Sophie told me what to wear and saved the day.”
“It doesn’t matter what you wear. All I ever see is you.”
My gaze wandered to the scenery but I wasn’t seeing it because it was the same for me. I hated that he still had this power over me. I hated that I still loved him the way I did. I hated him for leaving me.
“Hey. Lila. Look at me.”
I reached for my ginger-infused cocktail and took a fortifying drink before I met his eyes across the table. “Why do you always do this to me?”
“What do I do to you?”
“You bring me to a beautiful place that looks like my dream home. The home we planned together. You make me forget for a little while. You make me... want something I can’t have anymore.”
“Who says we can’t start over? Who says we can’t have that life we dreamed about?”
I shook my head.
“Do you still love me?”
“That was never a question. I have always loved you.” It was you who stopped loving me.
“Then I don’t see what the problem is.”
I laughed bitterly. “Seriously, Jude? After you left, I kept waiting for you to come back. Even just a phone call or a message. Anything to let me know you were still... out there, thinking of me. I had no way to contact you. You just disappeared and I didn’t know where you were or if you were okay. I kept imagining the worst case scenario.”
“Not a single day went by that I didn’t think of you.”
“Thoughts without action mean nothing. You’re the one who always told me that. I get that you were going through a horrible time. I get that your head was in a bad place. But what I’ll never understand is why you felt like you had to go through all that on your own. You broke your promise. And you know what? After all the sadness wore off, I was so angry at you. I hated you for leaving me. I hated you for enlisting. And that was how I got through the bad times. By being angry with you. By blaming you. And now you come back here... and you expect me to put my faith in you again?”
His jaw clenched and he looked out over the rolling hills, the beautiful scenery ruined by our ugly truths. “I’m not the same man I was when I left you.”
“I can see that. But I’m not the same girl you left behind. I need to be there for Noah. I need to stay strong for him. And if I let you in again and it doesn’t work out, it would destroy me. I can’t go through that kind of pain again.”
“So that’s it?” His eyes got hard like he had any right to question me. “You’re just giving up.”
“This isn’t giving up. It’s self-preservation. How many times can one heart break, Jude?” I tossed my napkin on the table and pushed back my chair, walking out on him and leaving him alone at the table.
Chapter Forty-Two
Jude
How many times can one heart break, Jude?
That was the question that kept running through my head as I drove. I could have told her that hearts don’t break. They were made of muscle. Left neglected and malnourished, muscles atrophied. But you could build them up by putting in the work, and you could make them stronger. That was what we had to do. Feed our hearts. Make them stronger.
Our love story had played out like a fucking tragedy. Redemption never came easy but I was up to the task.
Lila was silent, her posture rigid, the tension thick. But even so, I kept glancing at her. She looked so fucking beautiful in that green dress that matched her eyes, shoulders bare, and her hair falling in waves down her back. I wanted to fist my hand in it, drag her across the center console and crush my lips against hers. Slide my hand up her thigh and sink my fingers inside
