River hadn’t been in class for the last two days.
His empty chair conjured all kinds of terrible metaphors. Absence. Solitude. Isolation. In the immortal words of Miss Britney, my loneliness was killing me, but at least seeing River in class once a day—even if nothing could ever happen between us—was something. Now there wasn’t even that.
A little after one a.m., I stretched my fingers as my phoned chimed a text from an unfamiliar number.
Hey, it’s River. Another text came while I panicked like a dope. Can I call you?
You don’t feel like a stranger anymore.
I jabbed, Yes.
My phone lit up and I played hard-to-get—I let it ring twice before answering.
“It’s late,” I said coldly.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
His voice sounded haggard, as if it’d been dragged through the mud, crumbling my defenses instantly.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s my mom. It’s been bad lately. It might… It might be the end. And I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t be calling you. I didn’t know who else… I don’t have anyone else I can talk to. None of the guys get it. It’s too fucking real.”
My throat suddenly felt thick. “Where are you?”
“In the hospital. She has some kind of infection…spiked a fever. I’m in a hallway somewhere. I didn’t know what else to do. I feel like I’m going crazy.”
River’s words tapered to a whisper and I could see him in a cold hospital hallway, maybe leaning against the wall, letting it prop him up.
I hated that he was alone.
He came back on the line, his voice breathy and tight.
“Sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” I said softly, and another image came to me, one of River reaching out in the dark, grasping for something—someone—to hold on to. I scoured my collection of therapy sessions for something that would help him. But none of it helped me because no one asked the one question I’d been begging someone to ask.
“River.”
“Yeah?”
“What do you need?”
I held my breath until I heard him exhale his. When he spoke again, the pain had loosened its grip on him a little.
“I don’t know. Just talk to me. I need to get out of my head for a minute. I’m so fucking scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, and I’m having a thousand terrible thoughts, one right after the other.”
“Pick one.”
“What?”
“Pick one terrible thought. Grab it out of the air.”
“Okay.”
“Now tell me what it is.”
“I…I hate that she’s suffering,” he said, his voice cracking. “And I can’t take it from her. But I would. I’d take all of it…”
And this time he broke. I heard his sobs, muffled and low.
“I’m here,” I said. “I’m here, okay?”
After a few moments, he inhaled deep and let it out on a shaky exhale. “Thanks, that helped. It helped to get some of it out.”
“I’ll have to try it sometime.”
A silence descended and Saturday night at the pool slowly crept in between everything we weren’t saying.
“Holden…”
“Don’t.”
“I want to. To apologize.”
“I told you, I’m not asking anything of you.”
“I know but… I’ve been a dick in class and now I’m calling you up in the middle of the night and dumping my shit in your lap. Things are just so fucked up right now. Like trying to steer a sinking ship. My dad’s kind of falling apart, and my sister barely talks. It’s just not a good time for me to…upheave everything. The other night…that can’t happen again. It won’t. I was drunk…”
I gritted my teeth. “You’ve made that abundantly clear.”
“But that doesn’t change what I said.”
I’d kill them… Anyone who tried to do it again…
“You said a lot of things. I don’t even remember—”
“Yes, you do.” River’s voice grew deep and solid now. “What they did to you was fucking wrong, and it means something that you told me. I just want you to know that.”
For the first time in years, my whirring, chirping brain had nothing to say. No witty comeback or barb to deflect how his words hit me hard and then sank in softly.
River mistook my silence and gusted a sigh. “Okay. So, that’s all I wanted to say. Thanks for listening and…everything else. That night was just like you said. A timeout. And I needed it.”
“Will you be back at school tomorrow?” I asked and cringed at the pathetic hope in my voice.
“I don’t think so. Just trying to make it through the night.”
“The reason I ask is that you’ve missed a lot of Calculus,” I added quickly. “If you want me to tutor you, just say so. No need for drama.”
He laughed a little. “Glad to hear that offer still stands.”
“Always.”
“Okay well…goodnight, Holden.”
“Goodnight, River.”
The line went quiet and I stared at the phone in my hand for long moments, then climbed into bed.
It can’t happen again.
There it was. The official end to whatever the hell happened on Saturday night. Just another painful moment like every other painful moment in my life; a teetering stack my sanity tap-danced on. One day it would come crashing down.
In the meantime…
I wasn’t a praying person by nature, mostly because when I’d needed help, there was only cold silence. But that night, I prayed to whatever God or gods that might be listening to give River and his mom a little more time. Another day, at least. Let whatever needed to happen, happen when the sun was shining and not in the black, indifferent night.
The next morning, a text was waiting for me.
She made it. They’re even talking about letting her go home this afternoon. This is heavier shit than you need to be dealing with, but it didn’t feel real until I told you. Thank you. –R
I held the phone to
