It wasn’t our perfect life, but it was the best I could do.
At home that afternoon, I took the stairs up two at a time and knocked on Mom’s door.
“Come in,” she called, her voice soft and breathy.
In March, she’d had good news that her latest cocktail of meds was holding the cancer at bay. But lately she’d been tired a lot and losing weight when she didn’t have weight to lose. Dad was taking her in for more scans in a few days, but a pall hung over the house. She wasn’t supposed to have made it to Christmas. Now, it was nearly a year later but we were all terrified that her extra time had come to an end.
Mom lay against her pillows, swimming in a silky bathrobe. Her hair was short, like a Marine. I liked to tell her she looked like Charlize Theron’s character, Furiosa, in Mad Max: Thunder Road and was just as much of a badass.
Amelia was sitting on the bed with her.
“I can come back,” I said.
“No, it’s fine, join us,” Mom said. “Tell us about your day.”
I met my secret boyfriend in the band room like we’ve been doing for months.
I coughed. “Not much to say. I’m supposed to be at the shop today, but I can stay home if you need me.”
“I’m fine. Dazia will be here literally any minute.”
Mom’s best friend coming had become like a portent of doom; Dazia was an infusion of energy the family desperately needed but only arrived when Mom was at her sickest.
“In that case, I was thinking of seeing a late movie with some guys tonight,” I said. “Might be home late.”
“Again?” Amelia was suddenly curious. “You’ve been staying out late a lot lately, River. What’s that all about?”
I stiffened, not looking at her. She’d been making strange remarks like that for weeks.
“River’s eighteen,” Mom said. “He’s a man now, going out and doing manly things.”
I choked out a nervous laugh. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means you’re an adult, about to graduate. As long as you live under this roof, there are rules of course, but—”
“Are you saying he doesn’t have a curfew anymore?” Amelia demanded. “Because that is so unfair.”
“He has a curfew,” Mom said, shooting me a wink. “It’s to come home one minute before his parents start to worry.”
Amelia huffed and crossed her arms. “Oh my God, that is sexism at work. He leaves the house when I have to go to bed.”
“When you’re eighteen, things will be different for you.” Mom tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Or maybe not. Your father might make your curfew six p.m. to keep the boys away.”
Amelia wouldn’t be eighteen for another three and a half years. God knew what our family would be like then, without Mom, and Dad trying to raise a teenage daughter alone.
The room grew quiet and Amelia muttered something about needing to do homework. She kissed our mother on her wan cheek and hurried out.
“I shouldn’t have joked about it. It’s hard for her and will get harder.” Mom raised her tired blue eyes to mine. “I want you to do me a favor, River.”
I braced myself. Whatever she asked me to do, I’d do it. “Anything.”
“You’re the rock in the family.”
“Pretty sure that’s you, Mom.”
“No…but if so, I’m passing it down to you. You’re solid and clear-headed and so very smart. You take care of everyone, and I know that’s what you’re going to do when I’m not here anymore.”
“I’ll do my best. I swear it.”
“That’s not the favor I’m asking, that’s a prediction.” Mom smiled gently. “I know you, my sweet boy. I know you will do whatever it takes to make sure the family stays together. Your dad and sister are strong. They’re going to be okay. You are going to be okay. I feel it in my heart. But when the tough moments come—”
“There’re going to be a lot of those,” I said, my eyes filling. “In case you hadn’t noticed, you’re kind of a big deal.”
Mom touched my cheek. “I know you’ll do your best to hold everyone together. What I’m asking is that you don’t forget about you. That you take time for yourself. Remember to breathe. To cry if you have to.”
My tears spilled over as my chest hitched. I felt her hand in mine give me a frail squeeze.
“Promise me, River.”
I nodded and held my breath to keep the sobs from pouring out. I clenched my teeth and wiped my eyes on the shoulder of my shirt.
When I looked up, Mom was lying heavily against the pillows. “It’s the hardest thing. Not dying. That’s easy because it’s inevitable. The hardest thing is feeling like I’m leaving you behind.”
“Then how about you don’t?” I teased weakly. Brokenly.
“I won’t,” Mom said. “I’ll still be with you. Always.”
From the downstairs entry, the front door slammed. “Hellooo, Whitmores! Aunty Dazia is here.”
“Go,” Mom said. “Have fun with your friends. Who did you say you were hanging out with? I haven’t heard you mention Chance or Donte or any of the guys in a while.”
“I hung out with them last weekend.”
Cursory time spent with the guys to keep up appearances. Donte was hot and heavy with a new girlfriend, taking the pressure off me. But eating at the Burger Barn or walking the Boardwalk, listening to their inane talk instead of being with Holden was torture.
“No one special yet?” She smiled softly. “No pressure. I’m just…hopeful.”
I swallowed a lump and took a breath. Now was the time to tell her about Holden. What other time could there be?
“Well…”
“Hello,
