I kissed him hard, holding him tight to me. Infusing every touch with heat, praying it would break through the cold of what they’d done to make him feel unworthy of anything real.
But Holden was too fucking smart. His mind too sharp, too tuned up. He felt my intentions and wrenched away from my kiss to attend to the business at hand. He retrieved a condom and a small bottle of lube and tossed them both on the bed.
“Those are for you,” he said, coming back to me, his voice hoarse with need. “Do what you want to me, River. Whatever you want.” His hand closed around my cock and he licked his lips. “Or I’ll give it to you.”
He started to sink to his knees, but I stopped him, not recognizing my own voice, panting and desperate. “No, I…I want to be inside you.”
“Good,” he whispered and reached for the condom and lube. Chest to chest, my breath rasping in my nose, I watched him roll the condom down my aching cock. “You need this,” he whispered against my mouth while coating my fingers with the lube. “I want this.”
With an inhuman growl, I roughly turned his back to me. My left arm in its cast went around his chest, locking him tight. My right hand slipped around to grip his cock, squeezing hard and stroking slowly.
“This is what you want?” I growled, out of my mind and half-drunk with him. “You want to get fucked?”
“Yes,” he hissed. “God, yes…”
I slipped my fingers from his cock, down between his legs. Holden sagged against me, his breath coming in short pants, as I worked him open, loosening him for me.
“Now,” he gritted out when I moved two fingers in and out of him easily. “Please…”
He bent over the foot of the bed, his back rounded, muscles playing under perfect, smooth skin. His ass, round and taut, poised in front of me. Slowly, I pushed in, gripping his hips and pulling him on me at the same time.
“Ah God, yes,” he hissed. “More. Harder.”
I was in a delirium but hadn’t lost myself enough to be reckless. I couldn’t hurt him though I wanted to. Wanted to punish him.
Holden braced himself with both hands on the bed, rocking back into me. I reached around and gripped his cock, stroking him in time with my thrusts, creating a rhythm out of the chaotic lust and love that roiled in me like a tornado.
How was it possible to feel this broken and yet whole at the same time? To have my heart saturated in grief and love in equal parts. To have my body wracked by the greatest pleasure I’d ever known while pain gripped my soul. Wanting to hold on while saying goodbye. I fucked him because he was leaving. I fucked him to make him stay. I gripped his hips and used his body, driving against him, my own release ready to detonate.
Not yet…
I chased after it but I didn’t want it to come. I wanted to remain suspended in this mindless bliss with Holden’s body shuddering from the pleasure I gave him. To hold onto the night and make it stretch into forever. Because his absence in the morning was going to break me all over again.
And it was breaking him too.
Holden sank onto his stomach on the bed, and I braced myself over him, my chest to his back, wanting as much of his skin on mine as possible. We rocked together, our bodies sealed. His hand found mine and we locked fingers; I heard the shaky inhale of his breath. Hot tears trailed down his cheek and I kissed them away as I moved in him, our bodies in perfect harmony, giving and taking.
“Ah, God…” Holden gritted out. “River…”
“Come.”
I wanted him to come on my bed, in my sheets. It was dirty and raw, but I was going to sleep wrapped in everything that was him.
Holden tensed, his sharp cry cut off and his entire body went rigid except for my merciless thrusts that drove him back and forth, his cock trapped in the friction between his body and the bed. I kissed him between his shoulder blades, then bit back a harsh curse as my own release shuddered through me.
I sank against Holden, blanketing him, and we lay there for long moments, our breaths rising and falling together. But I was too heavy; I gently pulled out of him and slid to the mattress. I rolled to my side to dispose of the condom in the wastebasket and stayed there, my back to him. Drained. Ribbons of the orgasm still coursed through me and yet the terrible hollow grief sucked it all away.
The bed dipped and Holden’s warm skin met mine all along the length of us. His arm wrapped around me, his muscular legs tangled with mine. Our fingers twined and I held on, sinking too fast into sleep.
“Holden…”
“Shh,” he whispered, his breath hot against the back of my neck. “Sleep now, River.”
I fought it but the sleepless nights and overwhelming emotions of the last few weeks were driving me toward merciful oblivion. My eyes wouldn’t stay open. All I could do was cling to him, relish the feel of him in these last moments.
Just before the black came, his chest expanded against my back and his breath wafted warmly over my neck.
“I love you.”
But he was gone in the morning. The bed empty and cold, so maybe I
