Leo loved all the week’s activities, but what continued to surprise Jess was how much she enjoyed spending time with women who had children of a similar age. She’d discovered an unexpected camaraderie in sharing stories with other mothers in the toddler trenches. Of course, just like any group, there was an element of competition and while Jess consoled the women who struggled with some tasks, she couldn’t help feeling a little bit smug about Leo’s hand–eye coordination and his sure-footedness on the gym equipment.
“Were you sporty as a kid?” the instructor had asked her at the first session.
“Not really. It’s why I chose a donor who was.”
“A donor? I don’t understand.”
“Sperm donor. I’m doing the parent gig on my own.”
“Oh, I see.”
But it was obvious from the woman’s face that she didn’t at all.
From the moment Jess had announced she was having a baby, she’d learned from the almost universal response that it was easier for people to understand the decision of a woman who’d chosen the single parent path after unexpectedly falling pregnant than it was to relate to a woman who’d actively sought it. It was no different when she’d arrived back in the Bay, although by then Libby had accepted it and was championing her decision. It paved Jess’s way, making her re-entry into the town smoother than she’d expected.
Most of the women she’d met since returning had moved to the bay in the years since Jess had last lived there. Many had partners who worked on the oil and gas platforms, which meant they were single parents two weeks out of four. They had more of an understanding of Jess’s life with Leo than women whose spouses worked regular hours in town. There were only a handful of women from her high school days still living in the bay and their welcome ranged from enthusiastic to lukewarm, depending on who they’d married. Although Jess had made her peace with her wild years, people had long memories. The irony was that during her period of indiscriminate sex with boys, none of those women were dating them.
Jess had no intention of apologizing. Nor did she wish to revisit those lackluster moments of inexpert sex in the sand dunes or on broken couches in beach shacks, even if the boys were now grown men and had likely learned a trick or two. With a couple of exceptions, the sex had never been about the boys or the elusive hope of an orgasm. It had been about her mother’s love of bourbon and rum ahead of her love for Jess. It had been about living life on her own terms and taking what she wanted and thought she deserved. It had worked right up until the terrifying moment at sixteen when she’d thought she was pregnant.
At first Jess had been paralytic with fury when Libby had disclosed her secret to Karen, but unlike Linda, Libby’s mother hadn’t hit her or screamed that she was a slut and a whore. Karen’s eyes had dimmed, but all she’d said was, “Before we panic, let’s find out what we’re dealing with.” Instead of taking her to the family planning clinic in town or even in Bairnsdale, she drove Jess the extra distance to Sale to protect her from the Kurnai Bay gossips. Libby had wanted to come and Jess had desperately wanted that too, but in that regard, Karen had been an immoveable force. Jess had spent the drive to Sale lurching between gratitude and shame, punctuated by moments of anger. She sensed Karen’s disappointment and discovered that she much preferred being called a useless waste of space—her mother’s favorite pejorative—than wearing Karen’s sadness.
On the drive home, Karen raised the elephant in the car. “You’ve had a scare and this time you were lucky. Please take the pill and use the condoms the clinic gave you.”
Jess stared out the window, burning with embarrassment. It had been bad enough when the nurse had banged on about it and demonstrated how to use the condoms on a carrot.
“There’s nothing wrong with having sex, Jess, if you enjoy it,” Karen said quietly. “But it comes with responsibility. I just want you to be happy, healthy and safe so you can achieve your full potential.”
No one had ever talked to Jess like this before and although her insides were squirming, something made her say, “What if I don’t enjoy it?”
“Sex?”
“Yeah.”
Karen’s hand left the steering wheel and she patted Jess’s knee. “Then ask yourself why you’re having it. If it’s to hurt your mother, you’re only hurting yourself.”
“What would you know?” Jess hated that Karen understood.
Karen sighed. “My mother wasn’t the mother I wanted her to be either and my father was worse.”
Jess’s head snapped round, stunned by this revelation. “Did yours drink too?”
Karen murmured something unintelligible before clearing her throat. “We don’t get to choose our parents, Jess. Believe me, you can waste a lot of energy being angry and acting out, hoping it will shock Linda into cleaning up her act. But all it does is hurt you. I decided to live my life very differently from my parents. I chose to put myself first and protect the people I love. It didn’t mean I wasn’t angry. I was angry for a long time, but I channeled it into getting out and staying away.”
Jess couldn’t imagine Karen angry. “Does Libby know this?”
Karen shook her head, her face suddenly stricken. “Can it be our secret?”
For a moment, Jess considered telling her friend for no other reason than she could. But then the harsh truth broke over her and she realized what set herself
