Her goosebumps rushed back so fast her skin hurt and then her entire body stilled. She scanned his face, searching for a sign, a clue, anything that would explain why she felt like she was teetering on the edge of a precipice.
His usually warm gaze was wide and filled with fear.
Her mouth dried. “Oh God. All of this is somehow connected to your panic attack, isn’t it?”
Nick stared straight ahead.
Say no. Say, “Don’t be ridiculous, Libs.” Say something!
Nick dropped his face into his hands and his guttural moan chilled her down to her marrow. Something held her back from comforting him.
He finally raised his head, his face twisted in agony. “I’m sorry. So sorry.”
Her blood thundered in her ears. Her tongue sat thick and ungainly in her mouth. “Sorry? Sorry for what?”
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bouncing erratically. “For everything.”
“That’s not an answer!” She was yelling now. “Tell me what’s going on!”
He reached for her but she threw off his hands knowing whatever was coming, it was something so terrible it would pierce her clean through. Instinct told her he was having an affair with her best friend. Or worse than an affair—that he loved Jess.
“Tell me!” she screamed.
He licked his lips, opened them and then his breath shuddered out. “Leo is mine.”
She heard the words but she didn’t understand. “What?”
“Leo is my son.”
If he’d stabbed her in the heart, it would have hurt less. “Leo?” Her voice sounded foreign and unfamiliar. “Jess’s Leo is your son?”
He nodded slowly, tears spilling down his cheeks. “Libby, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to h—”
“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Her hands flew to her ears as if they were barriers enough to stop the words from seeping into her heart and soul. But it was too late. Their terrible truth spread like indelible black ink, staining her. Nick was Leo’s father. Nick had a son. Her best friend and her husband had a child.
“No. No. No, no, no!” Her gut cramped so swiftly she doubled over and then she felt the familiar thick dampness of blood oozing between her legs. Everything that defined her world and her place in it crumpled, crashing down around her like a building leveled in an earthquake.
“Libs?” Nick tried to hug her.
“Don’t touch me!” Sudden repulsion for the only man she’d ever loved made her grip the solid red gum table. Normally, she struggled to move it an inch but she heard herself roar and then it was moving across the kitchen as if it weighed nothing. It sat between them, a blessed wall blocking him from touching her. “I don’t want you anywhere near me!”
“But I want—”
“I don’t care what you want! This isn’t about you.” Shaking, she grabbed her car keys.
“Please don’t leave.” His voice quavered like Indi’s when she was about to burst into tears.
Libby ignored him and opened the door.
“Where are you going?”
She threw him a withering look. “Where do you think?”
Chapter Eight
Jess turned up the radio and sang loudly to Queen’s “We Are The Champions” in a mixture of excitement and relief. She never wanted to relive the last twenty-four hours again. Nick’s hospitalization had terrified her and her fear for him had been exacerbated by not being able to rush to Libby’s side. Finding out in the early hours of the morning that Libby believed his chest pain was caused by stress had only added to her anxiety.
During her first year back in the bay, Nick had fallen over himself to be obliging and helpful and he’d done whatever she’d asked of him. But since the New Year, his behavior had been running hot and cold and she was never certain if irritable Nick or happy Nick was on the other side of her door. But despite his moodiness, he was generous with his financial support for Leo and he played with their son whenever Jess visited Burrunan. Since her insistence at Christmas that Leo needed more of his time, Nick had done a fair job at creating opportunities, but it was ad hoc and not enough. Leo needed the same access to Nick as his half-sisters. Living next door would expedite it.
To convince Nick to help her buy the Sullivan place, she’d drawn on his sense of duty —it was part of his ongoing commitment to Leo. She’d emphasized that living next door was the easiest way for Nick to continue being closely involved in his son’s life without drawing anyone’s attention, and it would relieve the constant pressure on them both to contrive situations for him to spend time with their son. This was her trump card and she’d played it straight into Nick’s desperate desire to keep his relationship to Leo a secret.
“Libby must never find out,” had been the third sentence he’d spoken after she’d told him she was pregnant and keeping the baby. His first had been, “There’s no way it’s mine,” and his second was far less of a sentence—more like a string of expletives. Over time, “Libby must never find out” had morphed into his mantra. It was almost as if he believed if he said it often enough, it would become true.
Since announcing her pregnancy, Jess had experienced a love–hate relationship with those five words. She oscillated between her need to protect her friendship with Libby and her desire to publicly declare that like Libby, she too had a claim on Nick. But in many ways Nick’s mantra worked to Jess’s advantage. Despite his occasional threats that he’d tell Libby about Leo, years of knowing Nick had taught her this would never happen. Jess also knew that Nick wasn’t confident that she would keep the secret. That he thought this saddened her. Jess had no intention of telling Libby. Meanwhile, Nick’s uncertainty gave her an edge and although she didn’t employ it often, when the need arose, she took the threat out of its scabbard and waved it around. His lack of enthusiasm
