A combination of stewed rage and impotence battered her. She had no idea how long before the obsessive thoughts, the nightmares and the flashbacks would stop. Or when her hair-trigger responses to so many things would cease whipping her from fulminating anger to the depths of despair. How long before she could look at Nick without pain, loathing and misery and once again see the man she fell in love with at Bunga Arm? Did that man even exist anymore? And how long until Nick could look at her without shame, guilt and regret shining off him like a beacon?
Maybe it was impossible. Maybe their marriage had been in its death throes two years earlier, when Nick had turned away from her. Perhaps holding it all together was not only too hard, it was pointless. Was walking away easier than this half-life they were living?
Recently, Lucy had asked, “Mommy, why are you sleeping in this bed?”
The question had caught her off guard and she’d fought back the words, “Because your father’s hurt me in the worst possible way and I feel worthless and unlovable.” But it was her job to protect Lucy and Indi from the mess that was her and Nick.
“Daddy’s snoring keeps me awake.”
But going by the concerned phone call from Lucy’s teacher, her elder daughter was picking up on the anguished vibes in Burrunan and acting out in the classroom. Would it be better for the girls if she ended this agonizing impasse with a clean break?
Who was she kidding? She and Nick were forever connected by the girls. They had a lifetime of birthdays and Christmases, graduations, future weddings and grandchildren ahead of them. In the immediate future, they had years of school runs, dance recitals, swimming and soccer to juggle, not to mention a million shared parenting decisions. Their lives were inextricably joined and the only end to it was death.
As it was, it felt like part of her had already died.
Jess was working at the patisserie doing the accounts. Sitting in the back room and enjoying the spicy scents of baking and the aroma of good coffee was a welcome sanctuary from all the other parts of her life.
“Café et gateau, cherie.” Patrice put down a tray as she always did at 11:00.
Jess patted her belly, which was more rounded than it had been since her pregnancy. Not only was she comfort eating, her exercise routine of walking, running and surfing with Libby, had come to an abrupt stop. “Thanks, Patrice, but as amazing as it looks, I think I better pass on the cake.”
Patrice gave a Gallic shrug and returned to the kitchen.
It had been a rough few weeks but Patrice was one of a handful of people who only judged Jess by her ability as an accountant. Jess wondered if it was because the woman was French, but she hadn’t asked, because she wasn’t about to open herself up to unwanted comments. She got enough of those from the rest of the town.
Having finished with Patrice’s ledgers, Jess logged into her own bank account. While she waited for the page to load, she sipped her latte. The balance finally appeared, lower than expected, and she set down her mug and clicked on the recent transactions. Double-checking everything, she swore and automatically reached for her phone to text Nick. She dropped her hand and swore again.
In moments of high stress, she forgot she no longer had his number. Not that it was from lack of trying. The first time she’d heard the disconnected message, she’d phoned the boat hire office. Missy confirmed Nick had a new number but instead of giving it to her, she’d only offered to pass on a message. After the sixth unanswered message, Jess called Will.
“Sorry, Jess. I don’t have his new number.”
“That’s BS!”
“It’s not. Libby’s got him on a pretty tight leash. Not many people have it.”
“So, she’s not only stopping Nick from seeing me and his son, she’s blocking you too?”
There was a long silence. “Will?”
“What?”
“You’re his best friend.”
“Yeah.”
“So how do you contact him?”
“I call him at the office.”
“I’ve tried that but he’s not calling back. You need to tell him to call me. He’s Leo’s father. He’s got responsibilities!”
Will sighed, the sound soft and loaded. “Maybe it’s time to accept Nick’s not calling you back because he doesn’t want to.”
“He’s not calling me back because he’s a pussy!” As she’d slammed down the phone, Jess didn’t know who she hated more—Will, Nick, Libby or the town.
She’d tried asking numerous other people but everyone claimed they didn’t have Nick’s number, or if they did, they weren’t prepared to share it with her. Not even the individuals who happily bad-mouthed Nick in public over what Kurnai Bay was calling “babygate.” The town that had welcomed her return as a successful and community-minded adult, instead of the wild daughter of an alcoholic, had now mostly turned its back on her.
Rationally, she knew this was no different from the censure she’d endured from many for being Linda’s child. She should be used to it and not care. But in the early hours of each morning when her resistance was at its lowest ebb, it was always a shock how much worse it was to have known approval and lost it, than never to have known it at all. She ached for the loss of respect, the sense of belonging and purpose, and for the friendships she’d forged.
She grieved for Leo.
Fortunately, when the dawn light came it replaced those unwelcome feelings with the more familiar and far more palatable fury. She raged at the petty-mindedness of most of the Kurnai Bay residents. This situation wasn’t all on her. Other people were involved—people who the town had elevated to virtuous and above reproach. The unfairness of it flared and roared inside her like a chained dragon.
Now, weeks after the name of Leo’s father had been leaked to the town,
