“Hey, baby girl.” I whisper, strolling to the living room, patting her back as I go. Her sweet baby smell washes over me as I drop my ass to the couch. Laying her across my knees I stare at her. It’s been a lifetime since I’ve done this, but I’m sure not much has changed. “You got my eyes,” I note, studying their brown color.
Her legs kick my belly.
“You’re a strong little squirt.” I pick Wylla up and cradle her to my chest. “I’m sorry I’m not around for you. Life’s not fair, and I got my reasons. Things you’re too young to understand. But I stay away for your protection. There are people who’d use you to hurt me. An evil woman who will hurt your mom if I’m not careful, and I can’t and won’t allow that. You’re too important to me. You need your mom more than you will ever need me. But I want you to know that I love you. Love your mom too. You were born out of the love we share. No matter where this life takes us, I’ll watch over you.” She grabs a handful of my beard, tugging on the whiskers and cooing.
“One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is walk away from you and your mother.” This sweet, pure child of mine pats my cheek as though she understands. “You got your whole life ahead of you. I’ll be damned if I let you pay for my sins. Only want the best for you. To give you that no one can know you’re my flesh and blood. I lost one daughter then you came along. I was told someone else would raise you. I tried to make my peace with that, but your mom changed her mind. Gotta tell you, Wylla Mae, I’m damn glad she did.” I kiss the top of her head and close my eyes soaking her in. Committing this moment to memory because it can’t happen again. I can’t afford to be weak. Not when her future depends on it. I gotta do this for her. For Alexa.
“She likes you,” Alexa whispers, startling me.
“I don’t know about that,” my voice comes out hoarse. “Listen...”
“No. I’m done listening to your broken promises and lies. You can’t just show up in my life whenever you want. I still love you though I know I shouldn’t. I thought you loved me too, but this...whatever we are is far from love, James.”
“I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. Give you the life I promised. But this is all I can give. You said you’d take me any way you could have me. Did you mean that?”
A tear slides down her cheek. “It’s not enough.”
“Doing the best I can. There’s shit you’re better off not knowing. Can you trust that I wish things were different, and I’m fighting like hell to stay away for your own protection.”
“Did someone threaten me?”
“Nothing for you to be worried about.”
“Don’t shut me out.”
I get up and hand Wylla Mae to her mother. “This is how it’s gonna be.”
“Just tell me why. Make me understand. Give me one reason. A real one.”
“Not tonight.”
“Then when?”
“When the time is right.” I stroke her jaw, and she turns into my caress. “I love you, Alexa. You can question everything else but never doubt the way I feel about you or our daughter. I’m doing what’s best. I need to know you’ll wait for me. As long as it takes to pull us through the other side of the mess I’ve made of things.”
“I’ll wait for you, James, but don’t make me wait too long. I need you. We need you.”
“You gonna keep dancing?”
She shrugs, and I contain my anger even though my blood is boiling at the thought. I don’t want to fight with her in front of the kid. “I need to change her.”
“I can do it.”
Her brows shoot up. “You want to change her diaper?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Her stuff is on the changing table in the bedroom. I’m going to make her a bottle.” She shoves Wylla Mae back into my chest.
A putrid smell wafts up from the back of her sleeper and something wet touches my hand. “Fucking hell,” I mutter.
“Did I forget to mention that she’s wet?” Alexa rolls her lips inward fighting her giggle, but I hear it under her breath. Serves me right though.
“She’s more than wet.” I stomp down the hall and lay the baby on the changing table. First damn thing I do is clean my hand off with a baby wipe. “All right.” I rub my palms together. I can do this. It’s just a shitty diaper. No big deal. I unsnap her sleeper and go to undo the latches on the diaper when she rolls to her side, and that’s when I see it. Greenish yellow nasty fucking oatmeal looking shit streaked up her back. I throw a hand over my mouth and gag. “What has your mother been feeding you? Alexa,” I holler. “I’m gonna need a damn hose.”
Wylla Mae blows a spit bubble at me then kicks her legs, making it worse.
“You’re lucky you’re cute.” I scowl at her and she babbles at me.
“Just like her dad,” Alexa says from behind me. “I started her bath.”
My heart squeezes in my chest. This is how it should be, and I feel like a rotten bastard that I gotta leave soon with no idea when I’ll return. But she said she’d wait for me. As long as it takes.
Part Two
Chapter Twenty-nine
Present day
I climb on my
